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What Does Matt Canada Need to Learn On His First Day?

The Tigers’ newest coach is having his first day.

Derek Ponamsky

So LSU’s new offensive coordinator is officially on the job today. As somebody who has had to go through the whole “first day of school” aspect of a new job somewhat recently — and will be doing so again — I can relate a bit. And while the action gets pretty hot and heavy for Canada and the rest of the staff next week, when the recruiting dead period ends and LSU’s coaching staff begins the final push to National Signing Day.

But in the meantime, what are the really important things that Canada needs to learn to get the fullest out of his experiences in Baton Rouge? We compiled a list...

  • No slaw, extra toast is the only way to eat Raising Canes. (NSXT may as well be printed on the Baton Rouge flag.)
  • Pinch the head, suck the tail.
  • It really isn’t the heat, yes, it really is the humidity.
  • LSU is a Nike school. DRI-FIT IS YOUR FRIEND.
  • If you go take in an afternoon baseball game, make sure the Box isn’t downwind of the cow pasture that day.
  • Don’t worry about the basement in looking for a house.
  • The small and large gumbo at The Chimes both contain the same amount of food.
  • Avoid College Drive on all days ending in -y.
  • If you want to go to Louie’s, go BEFORE 7:30 a.m. so you can get a biscuit.
  • Never, ever, try to take a left on Highland at Boyd.
  • Or at Nicholson and Lee. Don’t make any left turns, really.
  • The Dillard's at Cortana has way better deals than the Mall of Louisiana.
  • ...although you may want to have your shots in order before you make the trip to “The Old Mall”.
  • You should already know this, but yes, you will wait for them to fry up some fresh spicy.
  • If the new bridge is too backed up, just go north and take the old bridge.
  • It’s spelled “T-C-H-O-U-P-I-T-O-U-L-A-S”, “A-T-C-H-A-F-A-L-A-Y-A”, and “T-H-I-B-O-D-A-U-X.”
  • Also “B-O-O-S-I-E-B-A-D-A-Z-Z”.
  • The Varsity doesn’t charge you for watching Game of Thrones, but you’ll probably end up watching that on Aranda’s newly mounted television.
  • Should you ever have the displeasure of interacting with them, Riverside Towing only accepts cash because they definitely are not a money laundering front.
  • Raoul take care of you five dollar juicy juicy fill you up yes.
  • Just because Baton Rouge has a nearly nonexistant Irish population doesn’t mean that Acadian won’t going to be shut down on St. Patrick’s day.
  • Don’t ask about the flamingos. Just go with it, okay?

Get these things all square and cleared up and your life will be much, much more fulfilling here. You know, until one of the quarterbacks throws an interception.