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What Does Auburn Do?

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They lose to LSU in Tiger Stadium.

NCAA Football: Louisiana State at Auburn
A reminder: we actually beat Auburn on the field last year, too.
John Reed-USA TODAY Sports

1999. That’s a long time ago. It’s also the last time LSU lost to Auburn in Tiger Stadium.

LSU has not had a losing season since 1999. I’m not saying the two things are related, but I’m not saying they’re not either. The Golden Age of LSU Football has been fueled by two things: fun and a burning hatred of Auburn.

If LSU’s home streak against Auburn were a person, she would be starting her first semester at LSU this year. She’d likely have terrible taste in music, like video games way too much, and be addicted to her phone. But the one thing we could absolutely agree on, other than that bourbon is delicious, is that LSU does not lose to Auburn at home.

It hasn’t been easy. There have been more than our share of close calls, but in the end, the prime directive wins out. LSU does not lose to Auburn a home.

In 2001, they stomped on the eye and we stomped on their team. We smoked victory cigars and immediately after the game tried to figure out our travel arrangements to Atlanta.

In 2003, they were just another team caught in the treads of the irresistible force of the Tigers march to a national title.

In 2005, John Vaughn went doink. And doink. And doink. And doink. Then, finally, DOINK.

In 2007, Matt Flynn waited until nearly the last second to throw the game-winning touchdown pass.

In 2009, LSU scored the first 24 points of the game, keyed by three touchdowns from Jordan Jefferson. That’s right, Jordan Jefferson lit up the 2009 Auburn defense.

In 2011, LSU set the series record for largest margin of victory. That had to smart.

In 2013, Jeremy Hill staked LSU to a 21-0 lead, and the team spent the second half trying to figure out if they could run a 30-minute victory formation. The answer was yes.

In 2015, Leonard Fournette ran for 228 yards. And this happened.

SB Nation

Boy, that was fun.

What I’m saying is, LSU has been beating the pants off of Auburn in increasingly original and demoralizing ways for most of my adult life. And that is not a tradition I am prepared to give up any time in the near future.

LSU has had a rough start to the year, but I will be damned if we lose to multiple teams from the godforsaken state of Alabama in one season. We’ve already reached our quota. I am totally done with it.

This team stiffened up and beat Florida because losing to this Florida team after they have run their mouths for about a year and a half was unacceptable. That was the gut check game. LSU passed that first test, and now we move on to final exams.

Auburn is a better team than Florida. Kevin Steele has decided he wants to actually coach defense again and they boast an offense with a terrific running threat and a competent passer. Sort of what we thought we would have in these parts this year.

It’s time to do the thing we do. It’s time to beat Auburn. Yes, they are a pretty good team, but since when are we afraid of pretty good teams? Especially ones from Auburn? We eat Auburn’s lunch when they come to Baton Rouge. It’s time to welcome them to Baton Rouge, give them their loss, and then send them merrily on their way. Back to being second fiddle in their own state.

We can rebuild all we want. We can have a reboot for all I care. You can call this a rebuilding year or even a reset. That’s all well and good. But one thing does not change. We beat Auburn in Tiger Stadium. We have standards around these parts. And that does not include losing to the cut rate, off-brand Alabama.

We don’t need to rebuild that. The beating Auburn part has already been built. No excuses. Geaux.

Beat Auburn in Tiger Stadium. Just like we’ve done every time this century.