clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

BIG. GAME. PREVIEW. 2017: LSU vs. AUBURN

New, 7 comments

Time for a Louisiana Hayride.

Wise men say

Only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin

If I can't help falling in love with you?


SERIES RECORD*

by Paul Crewe

Record: 28-22-1

Last 10: 6-4

Last Game: 18-13, Auburn

LSU/Auburn is more of a new-fangled rivalry. The schools have only played 51 times in history, compared to 105 matchups vs. Ole Miss, 81 matchups vs. Alabama, and even 64 vs. Florida. Usually something stupid happens. You will probably learn a new penalty you will have never heard of before and will never hear of again after.

The 2007 team will be on-hand to be commemorated for the 10-year anniversary of the National Title winning team. The 2007 LSU/Auburn game is one of best games of the Les Miles era. Miles said there’s some magic in that stadium on his podcast. Basically, we’re gonna win.

*Poseur privately messaged me to let me know he’s rooting for Auburn this weekend, so he’s been revoked from BGP privileges. He said, and I quote, “Auburn are the real Tigers, you know?”


JUST ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL COACHES MEETING

by Paul Crewe


THE MINGO

by Paul Crewe

You would think a guy named Big Kat would sew this up, but when you got a Brodarius Hamm, what can you do? I mean, look at him:

He’s 344 pounds. That’s a man deserving of the name Hamm if I’ve ever seen one.

Additional props to Devin Guice, the smaller, non-factoring, not-related brother of our star running back.


OOTD: Auburn

by Christina Stephens

Look, I’ve spent more time on Auburn’s Instagram this week than any self-respecting person should have to and they don’t appear to preview their uniforms. The good money is on Auburn wearing its navy blue jersey with bold orange accents and white pants to the LSU game on Saturday. Prediction: as soon as this goes lives, they’ll announce the introduction of holographic helmets with orange chrome accents.

That’s fine. Auburn hasn’t won in Baton Rouge since bucket hats were in style (if they ever really were), and we’re all supposed to adopt Delusional Optimism since LSU defeated the jorts wearers last weekend, so history tells us the lowercase tigers will lose.

You’d be remiss to discuss history without a mention of that God Awful, No Good, Super Tacky, Way Unfashionable Monstrosity that is Gus Malzahn’s freaking sweater vest. Sure, there’s been discussion of this abomination against all that is good and decent in fashion in the past – but I literally DGAF.

Sure, he’s possibly switched over to ever slightly less flattering sleeveless fleece vests. And maybe sometimes he wears one shirt with actual arms (curious).

Sure, he’s unlikely to wear a sweater vest over a turtleneck with pleated front khakis in the afternoon in Baton Rouge when the high is set at 91.

But for me, the enduring image of Gus Malzahn is that lumpy sweater vest, with “Auburn” emblazoned across his chest like some kind of “At Least I Didn’t Go To Alabama” badge of honor, over a white turtleneck, his pressed khakis a testament to Bland Dude Fashion and his inexplicable visor adding an air of someone who is not going to let his face get too sunburned at that beach volleyball tournament again this weekend.

Nothing says Sportsball and Victory and Athleticism quite like dressing as Tenth Grade Hall Monitor of the Month for November.

Also, Auburn’s tiger mascot literally looks drunk in that way dudes look when they’ve had four Jager bombs chased by bottom shelf whiskey and they think they can dance, but really everyone is just waiting for them to pass out so the party becomes fun again.

Anyway. Also: be sure to check out Florida’s uniforms this weekend. They’re so bad and ill-advised that they make Gus Malzahn’s sweater vest look like the vision of Karl Friggin Lagerfeld.


HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

by Paul Crewe

Familiarize yourself with some of Auburn’s biggest playmakers aka let’s guess which one of the guys will be named in the next Auburn NCAA violation case.

Daniel and Anders Carlson. Auburn has an All-American kicker. LOL. We all know Auburn is famous for missing field goals. Say, 5 in one game? What type of kickbacks are the Carlson family receiving to send not one, but two kids from Colorado down to the Plains? I bet they are both driving unreleased Teslas, aren’t they? The Carlson brothers haven’t gone to a single class in their time at Auburn. They dedicate their days kicking field goals and accepting $500 handshakes.

Robert Muschamp. Former defensive coordinator Will Muschamp’s nephew. His 2015 stat line states “he did not see any action.” Based on my conversations with numerous sources on campus, I can confirm that is true.

Jarrett Stidham. QB1. Formerly highly recruited QB that washed out at a former school with an exotic offense and wound up at Auburn? I wonder how much Mississippi State was offering.


AWARD WATCH

by Paul Crewe

Les Miles. The winningest coach in LSU history returns to Tiger Stadium this weekend. He will be re-instated as Head Coach at halftime. Half the crowd will cheer. Half the crowd will boo. We will mount a tremendous comeback against Auburn before running the ball 6 times in the final minute, without any timeouts, while trailing by 6. He will also run a fake Punt Goal. It’s something new he’s been working on in his time away from coaching.


THIS SEASON OF SCANDAL LOOKS INCREDIBLE

by Paul Crewe


COACH ALLEVA GOT THEM BOYS READY

by Paul Crewe

Joe’s been watching film and really put together a strong game plan this week. You will also be taxed 25 cents every time you stand up from your seat. Parking will be double cost this weekend as it is a “GOLD GAME.” Plz go to the basketball scrimmage later.


REALISTIC POSEURISM BY DAN

by Paul Crewe

An anonymous CBS Sports employee gives his thoughts on the Tigers, as dictated to Poseur who dictated to Dan.

Danny Etling is a bad quarterback but he is very tough, unlike the LSU defense, which wilts at the very sight of adversity. Hell, adversity only has to show up to the building, LSU doesn’t even need to see it, for them to crumble. Auburn will beat LSU by at least 42, and that’s only because they will take their starters out at halftime.

This is the easiest money bet of the century, because LSU is bad at football and Kevin Steele is the best defensive coordinator in football today. Conversely, LSU’s coordinators are not allowed to coach because Orgeron calls all the plays and makes all the substitution calls after they messed up with the 3rd string running back vs. Troy. O may be fired after the game, but it won’t matter because LSU will just hire another stupid coach that will fail just like Les Miles and Ed Orgeron did.


ONAN THE BARBARIAN

by Paul Crewe

...I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

Oh you think we forgot, Auburn? Sure, you cost us our coach. Sure, you wound up with our Sugar Bowl bid. Right, right, right, water under the bridge and such. It doesn’t quite work that way, around here. We haven’t forgotten. We tasted the blood of defeat and we didn’t like it. So we spit it out, just like we will to you, tomorrow.

No one will remember if we were good or bad. No one will remember why we fought or died. But they will remember that we crushed your skulls beneath the soles of our spiked boots. They will remember the piles of bodies left in the wake of our destruction. They will remember that we were courageous and they will remember that we found vengeance.

LSU 35

Auburn 17