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How To Football: Week 9

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Inside: a stripped title, some serious deja vu, and overrated cups. Bye week football!

Winter is here. I know this because GameDay is at a conference game that happens at 2:30. There would be no other reason for doing that unless it was a B1G conference game where it would be too cold at night to play the football game.

Let’s enjoy us a bye week y’all:

Poor Boys Of Beaverton Shift

I think the schedule really speaks for itself here. We get some #MACtion here and there, but it’s on a Thursday night so it’s just a warmup for next week. Also it’s cut with Fun Belt, so it’s not really the whole experience.

The “big game” of the night is Stanford playing at Oregon State. I would like to take this time to speak directly to the Cardinal football program from the heart.

Stanford...don’t do this. What are you going to gain from this? Nobody is going to watch this because everybody knows what is going to happen. You’re not going to gain any media points for throwing them off the balcony. You don’t have to do this. Save your players, save your energy. Go up by 28 and just cruise. Oregon State doesn’t deserve this, they don’t deserve any of this. Be nice. Do what you have to do and get out. Spare us and spare them. It’s in your best interest.

Shippin’ Up To Bos...Chestnut Hill Shift

Last week it was Clemson who lost on the road in a Friday night conference game to a very northern opponent. This week it might actually be Florida State. The Seminoles are in full “wait out the winter” mode and is really playing for 2018-19. Because of that, they’re pretty lean on experience. Usually that’s not a problem when you travel to Chestnut Hill but uh, apparently Boston College can score now? Like, two straight games of 40+ points? I don’t know if they can pull that against Florida State, but that might not actually be necessary.

Also! Tulane has shown marked improvement and last week raced USF deep. A valiant effort, Greenies, but this life is cold and hard and unloving. As such, you have to travel to Memphis. And Tulsa, you have to deal with Chad Morris. Bad times all around for building AAC teams.

#WakeyLeaks Shift

Saturday actually gets a thirty minute head start with Buffalo at Akron over on CBSSN if you want to cut to the chase and eschew the picks segment on GameDay.

When the shift really gets going, it’s led by Oklahoma State at West Virginia. The Cowboys survived a clunker in Austin last week and are still in line for Big 12 Championship game contention. But believe it or not, the Mountaineers are right there with them, creating a de facto Big 12 elimination game for the title race. For that reason alone, this is the game of the high noon wave and you should really build around this one.

A rapidly waning Louisville gets a rapidly improving Wake Forest over on the mythical ACC Network. This is their first meeting post-Wakey Leaks, but I don’t really expect that to matter much given how it was a rogue agent operation.

Elsewhere Arkansas travels to Ole Miss that is without Shea Patterson. If the Hogs lose that game, then Bielema may get really familiar with Oxford’s famous chicken on a stick. Of course no noon shift is without some bad B1G game, and we get Wisconsin at Illinois to fill that role. Thirty minutes later, Virginia and Pitt kick off to really round out the shift in terms of interesting games. There is also Miami at North Carolina, but the Tar Heels have been hot garbage all season. Still keep an eye on that one in case it breaks containment and melts down.

World’s Largest Outdoor YETI Convention Shift

Hoooooooo boy. The afternoon shift is slammed, so let’s get to it, working left to right on your screen.

Penn State-Ohio State: Last year Penn State beat Ohio State, represented the East in the Big Ten championship, won the Big Ten championship, and still Ohio State got over Penn State. I’m sure James Franklin will in no way remind his team of this gross injustice presented towards the Nittany Lions in no way, shape, or form as a motivational tactic.

Also, Ohio State is wearing gross grey uniforms so...WE ARE BAYBAY.

Florida-Georgia: Georgia is supposed to roll in this one, and for that reason it is going to end after two overtimes and two blocked field goals. That’s just how this rivalry is, no different than the fact that it’s randomly played in Jacksonville and the meeting of two of the most stereotypical fanbases in not just the SEC but all of college football.

TCU-Iowa State: Iowa State is one of those teams that are just kind of...hanging around in the Big 12 with one conference loss. TCU is setting the curve. We already know the Cyclones are capable of keeping pace with the big boys in the conference and then some. They can definitely pull the trigger and land the shot that throws the entire conference into a chaotic free fall.

UCLA-Washington: Washington wanted exposure that comes before 10 PM central, and they got it. Now all they need to do is not duff it up against a desperate UCLA.

NC State-Notre Dame: Last year the Irish lost a game to the Wolfpack where they decided that passing in a hurricane was a good idea. Now Notre Dame is good now and is playing this game in a location that is not conducive to hurricane weather. So they got that going for them, which is nice.

506 Sports

CLEMPSIN Shift

Kind of a light shift at night this week for whatever reason (PodKATT: Baseball and Matlock reruns) (EDIT: That’s not what I mean, PK. I mean the games on not-FOX and CBS are boring). To wit: there is an ABC/ESPN2 at night. Usually that happens during the 2:30 slate, but here we go with it at night. One of the games on the split is our lead car, Georgia Tech at Clemson. Clemson is reeling after their loss to Syracuse, and what better way to bounce back from that than with a dangerous triple option team? I realize I say that every week, but it’s true every week.

The opposite side of the split it Texas Tech at Oklahoma, which yeah sure maybe Texas Tech can get the Sooners into a track meet.

After that split the shift falls off a cliff with Mississippi State and A&M and Minnesota at Iowa taking an early late kick.

Rounding out the shift we have Tennessee at Kentucky, which is less of a football game and more of a three and half hour train wreck. The past month has been home to a non-stop “THIS is the week where Butch gets kicked out” narrative so I’ll spare y’all that spiel. Of course, that doesn’t stop it from being true. In fact, if Butch loses to Kentucky then it’s more true than it’s ever been.

506 Sports

Stros Bros Shift

Maybe you’ve heard, but Arizona State has a defense now? Well go ahead and say it while you still can because a pissed off USC is coming to Tempe. Meanwhile down in Tuscon, Arizona hosts Washington State. I really have no clue why I’m even talking about this game because nobody actually gets the PAC-12 Network. In fact, I’m going to take this time to update the stylebooks: CBS Sports Network no longer holds the title of The Forbidden Channel or The Network Unwatchable. Instead both of these titles shall be transferred to the mythical PAC-12 Network.

Back on topic, the rest of the schedule is your typical west coast bullshit games: Boise at my beloved Utah State Aggies, UNLV at Fresno State (a sneaky good Fresno State), and San Diego State at Hawaii at 10:15. ESPN2 picked up that game, so sadly we will be without out old friend Robert.