The University of Florida, having been left broken and battered by our LSU Tigers at their Homecoming Game, have apparently snapped, opting to wear a uniform that contains about six percent actual Florida colors and 96 percent bad decisions when they play Texas A&M this week. (The formal excuse for these uniforms is to honor 25 years of Florida’s stadium being named the Swamp.)
The majority of the uniform is somehow swamp green or dull gray and covered in graphic reptile print? The shoes literally somehow manage to look like both costume feet and those running shoes with the individual toes that creep anyone with good sense out. There are blue and orange accents.
Oh, and the helmet is literally the color of your soul after you lose at home to an unranked opponent for Homecoming.
Apparently, these uniforms have been in the works for more than TWO YEARS with Nike. Dear God, think of the number of people who signed off on The Uniforms during the two-year design process.
These Uniforms look like what would happen if you let a class full of drunk freshmen fashion design majors who had never seen a football game before design an alternate uniform with the theme “TEXTURE.”
These Uniforms look like someone signed a contract for alternate uniforms without reading the fine print that said, “Oh yeah we’re going to go with the look of skinned mascot, but don’t worry the helmets will somehow be inexplicably black.”
These Uniforms look like rejected novelty tuxedoes for prom in whatever city Swamp People was filmed in. (No, I will not dignify that monstrosity of a television show by Googling it.)
In fact, I’d believe that someone from Louisiana who hates the University of Florida designed These Uniforms, only I know that if you tried to make an “ugly” University of Florida uniform on purpose, it would still be more attractive than These Uniforms, which Florida will wear, inexplicitly in public.
These Uniforms would only be more Florida Man if they featured denim pants.
Imagine being the person who had to describe These Uniforms as taking “after an alligator's armored body and channels its ability to be a master of camouflage.” Yes, you will want to not be seen by anyone when you are wearing These Uniforms.
Good news: fans can, for some reason, buy matching sideline gear.
The only thing worse than These Uniforms is losing to a team you hate. At home. For Homecoming.
Which happened on Saturday, by the way.