I hear the train a comin'
It's rolling round the bend
And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Razorback hell, and time keeps draggin' on...
Last 10: 5-5
Last Game: 38-10, LSU (2016)
Ugh. Look at that. LSU is still 5-5 against the Hogs in their last 10, and that is just sad. LSU has won 4 of the last 6, so there’s some legacy there, but how on earth does LSU consistently fail to dominate the Razorbacks? This is a team that regularly describes its wins over LSU as Miracles. With a capital M and everything.
This is the Bama hangover in a series. Ever since 2011, LSU has won two games by less than a touchdown, and lost twice by 17 points. Until last year. Then, LSU blew Arkansas’ doors off by 28, ushering in a new era in which the Bama Hangover is a thing of the past. Right?
Right? Is this thing on?
BRUNCHIN’ WITH BERT
by Paul Crewe
POSEUR’S RANDOM OLD MAN 10+1
The rules, as always, I plug in my trusty iPod and I make a Spotify playlist out of the first 10 songs. No cheating to make myself look cool. What I get is what you get.
Holy crap. The iPod went into almost full 80s punk mode. It was certainly in a mood this week. Guy the iPod is mad as hell about that 500 record against Arkansas and it wants you to know it. Or at least piss off his parents.
We start off with some Bad Religion, and I think that World War III slightly overstates the game’s importance, but I like the attitude. Then a lost J. Giles classic which I’m never gonna complain about as a change of pace. Then some 90s alternative which came straight out of the 80s punk scene. Perhaps Guy is suggesting our current regime is going to see a full flowering in a short while, based upon the foundation set by the early classics.
Then we congratulate ourselves, and make a weather prediction while also doing a head nod to my mom’s generation. There’s always room for 60s Motown. But then we go into a finishing stretch where even the non-punk songs are basically punk songs. Circle Jerks, Screeching Weasel, Fugazi… you could make a worse Punk Rock Mount Rushmore right there, with room for the greatest rock n roll song ever recorded, Fortunate Son. Which I think tells us how excited the iPod is for the game. It’s expecting a great one.
And then we wind down with a hip hop classic from Talib Kweli. Consider the Hogs touched.
THE LEGEND OF BAGGER NANCE
by Paul Crewe
Arkansas is caught between Texas and Louisiana on the cool name front, so it usually has to dip into those states to get the stereotypical names from each. Maybe they go down to New Orleans and sign Giovanni LaFrance (nickname: The France) or go to Argyle, Texas to sign Cole Hedlund. Those are guys who sound like where they are from. But nobody has a name which reflects their place of birth more than Hjalte Froholdt, an offensive lineman from Denmark. I’m sure in Denmark, his name is probably akin to Bob Smith or something, but here… I can’t even begin to imagine how to pronounce it. We here at the Mingo Committee are truly impressed.
REAL LIFE DEPICTION OF WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TITANIC ON ITS FATEFUL MAIDEN VOYAGE
by Paul Crewe
by Christina Stephens
I have bigger fish to fry than what Arkansas is going to wear to its loss on Saturday. Red? Sure. Makes sense. You gotta wear something, right? I’d go head-to-toe red, including the helmets. Dress dramatically, hold your heads up with pride. Don’t worry, there’s only a few games left and your coach will be gone soon. #ThereThereGif
The larger atrocity is the Golden Boot, which is the alleged prize for the victor (LSU) in Saturday’s game. If you’ve not seen the Boot – and if you’ve seen it you’ll know because it will haunt you – it is a large golden map of LSU and Arkansas that seems perpetually smudged with fingerprints.
An OCD-haver’s worst nightmare, I can assume the trophy’s base has a drawer for a cloth and some Windex.
The trophy is unwieldy and strangely large. When the players (from LSU) hoist it proudly in the air, I usually gasp and hope that it doesn’t fall over and decapitate an innocent bystander. I imagine the boot tipping forward, crashing to the ground forcefully, radiating energy, cracking the earth. (I might’ve watched too much Stranger Things this week.)
It’s also no longer geographically accurate. LSU has some amazing coastal scientists on staff and, I think, they should revisit the coastline on the Boot and update it accordingly.
Sadly, The Boot isn’t even the ugliest rivalry trophy we’ll have to display this year. That honor belongs to the Magnolia Bowl trophy, which we “accidentally” broke on the field and should lose in the off season to spare everyone having to see it again.
In conclusion, The Boot is a smudged, geographically incorrect monstrosity and while I’ll gladly keep it in Baton Rouge for another season, we really must get better at trophies.
HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
by Paul Crewe
Familiarize yourself with some of Arkansas’s biggest playmakers or name your fashion brand knockoffs that can be found at your local WalMart.
Cole “Haan” Kelley
The everyman’s nice shoe brand. You pick up a pair of these and they’ll have you lookin’ sharp for that big Prom Date with your cousin. Arkansas: Uber, but for Incest.
Austin “Ethan” Allen
Knock-off furniture that still looks pretty nice. You know, so that special day with your cousin won’t look trashy in the wedding pics. Arkansas: It’s not Illegal if Both People Consent.
Brandon Doc Martin(s)
The official shoe of the 90s. Congrats, Hog fans, you held on to those bad boys for so long they actually came back in vogue. Maybe you should extend Bielema at this point? At any rate, we know you’ll wear those chunky brown sandals to his funeral, after he finishes his 3rd decade as Athletic Director. Arkansas: We can’t help our Nepotism; we’re all related.
Derrius Guice. Despite missing part of the season and playing injured for most of the first two months, Guice sits at a slightly less than 100 yards off the pace for the SEC rushing lead. Nick Chubb currently has the lead in yards/attempt at 6.19, but Guice is at 5.47 with three less-than-stellar run defenses ahead of him. He could very well lead the SEC in rushing average for three consecutive seasons. He’s good, y’all.
Devin White. His pace has slipped a bit, but White still has the SEC tackles lead. He’s played his way into Butkus contention, though he likely won’t be a finalist because of bias against guys they didn’t realize were awesome in the preseason. But he is still in the running for SEC Defensive Player of the Year. He needs a few more monster games. Which isn’t a big ask.
Dave Aranda. Legitimately named a finalist for the Broyles Award, given to the nation’s top assistant. The year started rough, but LSU’s defense is back to being its usual dominant self. Aranda is the guy responsible for that.
HULK O-GAN GONNA RUN WILD ON YOU
by Paul Crewe & Billy Gomila
Well let me tell ya somethin' Mean Gene! The O-ster's really got his hands full with King Kong BERTy. We all know that he's 6-foot-6 and 400 pounds, and he wants to drop that avalanche right on your chest and crush the life right out of ya.
But the O-ster's been trainin' real hard brother. He's been puttin' those extra 45s in the squat rack. He's been pushing out those extra reps of 450 on the bench. I'm ready for the challenge of the monster. But the trainin' and the prayers and the vitamins can only take you so far Mean Gene. I'm gonna need that little extra boost from all my Tigermaniacs out there in the crowd. I'm gonna need you to put those hands up and be ready to pass on that energy, brother. To help me power through when that avalanche comes on down.
But you better be ready King Kong BERTY! You better be ready for the largest arms in the world. You better be ready for the 24-inch pythons to pick you up, up higher than you've ever been and toss you right out into the Mississippi, brother. You better be ready for what the O-ster and the Tigermaniacs and the power surge in Tiger Stadium. And when all that electricity is in the air, and the sun is beating down and the largest arms in the world are pumpin' WHATCHA GONNA DO KING KONG BERTY, WHEN THE O-STER RUNS WILLLLLD!! ON YOUUUUU!!!
Poseur speaks to an anonymous CBS Sports employee and transcribes their comments.
Oh, look. LSU completed its annual loss to Alabama. Know what comes next? Its annual post-Bama hangover. This is when LSU packs it up and starts talking about next year, like they always do, forgetting to play this year. Also, an early start? Forget about it. LSU’s fans can’t find the keg before noon, there’s no way they will be their usual selves, negating the one advantage LSU has, its home field. At least they still have a tiger, but he doesn’t even come to games anymore.
Danny Etling sucks. The offensive line sucks. The receivers suck. If there’s a team that could fail to take advantage of an awful Arkansas defense, it’s LSU. The Hogs will be motivated to save Bert’s job, and the kitties are going to roll over and say die. Like they always do in November. Don’t trust the process. Your process sucks.
by Paul Crewe
Don’t push it.
Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe.
Woooooo Pigggggg Sooooieeeee! That’s right, we’re calling the Hogs right here and now. Come on out little piggies. We are the big bad wolf and guess what? We don’t care if your house is made of bricks: we’re still gonna blow that shanty down.