How To Football: Week 12

Welp.

After looking at this schedule, I am obscenely happy to be travelling to Knoxville to watch a game between teams coached by Ed Orgeron and Brady Hoke.

It’s...garbage, like all the way down.

There is one (1) game worthy of GameDay, and that is where they are heading: Michigan at Wisconsin. As far as bearing on the postseason, that’s as important as we’re going to get. And outside of that, there are like, four good games total.

It’s...bad.

WatsonTiger Excel Productions, LLC.

More Like Frank So-Lit Shift

Tuesday night is pivotal in the race for the MAC East championship: division-leading The Ohio University of Ohio (OH) traveling to second-place Akron. The Bobcats have a game up on the Zips, meaning this is a must-win for Frank Solich.

Less importantly, Central Michigan plays Kent State.

Thrice The MACtion Shift

Three MAC games on Wednesday night, lucky us.

The first game off the block is Western Michigan against Northern Illinois. At 4-2 in conference play with a game against West-leading Toledo in the wings, the Broncos aren’t out of it but they’ll need a win here and some help against Central Michigan.

That’s on ESPN2 at 6:00, and over at CBS Sports Network at the same time we get the tough luck Eastern Michigan trying to keep it close and hope for a favorable break for once against THE Miami University of Ohio (OH).

Wrapping up the night we get Toledo fending off hapless Bowling Green to keep their mark.

River Bell Classic Shift

Only two FBS games on Thursday, but if you want some extra credit via FCS it’s available to you.

The night starts with Buffalo and Bowling Green, two who are scoring at almost exactly the same clip so the potential for some good ole MACtion is there. Outside of that, it’s a pretty insignificant game.

Thirty minutes later, uh Tulsa gets slaughtered by South Florida. By all in tents and purses, this is the beginning of the stank that is this weekend in college football.

You could watch that, or your COULD be watching YOUR MIGHTY HEROIC LIONS FROM HAMMOND, AMERICA DEFEAT THE COMMUNIST SCUM TO THE SOUTH IN THE 27TH MEETING OF THE RIVER BELL CLASSIC.

LION UP, ASSHATS.

(CST’s ESPN3 Blackout will apply over most of Louisiana, so be prepared for disappointment)

Also, Tennessee State-Jacksonville State (they’re very good) and Prairie View A&M playing Incarnate Word on ELVN, whatever that is.

Perfectly Symmetrical Violence Shift

5-5 and 3-3 in conference play Middle Tennessee State plays 5-5 and 3-3 in conference play Western Kentucky in a battle of C-USA mediocreness. The Hilltoppers have scored 13 more points than the Blue Raiders have, but have also allowed 12 more so this really is almost as even of a game as we’re going to get this weekend.

And then to ceremoniously transition us into the weekend, there is UNLV at New Mexico. Oof.

WatsonTiger Excel Productions, LLC.

Death by SMU-SMU Shift

Well, things start off well enough on Saturday.

After 12 weeks, Wisconsin finally plays somebody of note, it just happens that it’s a 5-2 Michigan team that right now is finishing fourth in their division. Congrats guys, this is by far the most important game of the day unless we find an upset down the line.

If that’s the most important game of the day, then SMU at Memphis represents the game with the most potential to be fun. Memphis is in line to win the AAC West but getting over SMU is no easy task. Chad Morris has done a great job getting the Mustang program at least pointed in the right direction before his probable departure to greener pastures at the season’s end.

In the Big 12 we have Texas Tech feigning an upset of TCU and Texas paying a visit to Morgantown for just the second time in program history, and looking to cut West Virginia’s series lead to one. Yes, WVU holds the all-time series record over Texas. Wonder how many teams can make that claim?

...it’s 14, but only eight of which have played Texas more than three times.

After that, the shift’s quality falls off a cliff. UCF should turbokill Temple, but watch the start of that to see if the Owls get any bright ideas. There are three games to keep off to the side to check on for when Scott Frost runs around with it.

Chip Kelley should go back to college Shift

Aaaaaaand here is where the shift really gets offensively bad.

The best game of the shift is, I guess Navy trying to give Notre Dame the what for (again)? Right now Oklahoma State is still technically alive in the Big 12 race, but I wouldn’t it put it past Bill Snyder to utterly destroy any dreams of chaos held by Pokes fans, but I’m not exactly banking on it.

Outside of that...a pissed off Georgia putting the work on Kentucky, a Michigan State and Maryland nuclear reactor meltdown...and...well, I see no reason as to why you shouldn’t have on UAB at Florida. I mean there may never have been a more hungry team than UAB is this year, talent aside. And from the looks of things, Florida has decided to mail it in completely.

Of course now that I said that, Chip Kelly is going to be announced Thursday and the program will get an instant jolt in the arm.

The Comic Sans Sanction Shift

Yeah, this shift is bad. Not just bad, but bad enough that I’m stripping it of Palatino Linotype privileges AND Calibri privileges. This shift has been demoted to Comic Sans. It warrants no further discussion.

The Calves Of Disrespect Shift

So it’s been a disappointing year for Kyle Whittingham and his Utah Utes. They haven’t picked up the wins against teams that have improved around them and it shows in the standings. It’s been a while since the nation was reminded of who the scrappiest team in the nation is, and frankly I’m concerned they’re starting to forget who that title belongs to. Would be an absolute shame if they did that.

The leftover scraps from the Mountain West: MWC Mountain-leading Boise State travelling to Colorado Springs to likely beat up on Air Force and Nevada playing San Diego State to close out this ugly day of football.

And all because I said this, it will go down as the beginning of Ragnarok.