Y’ALL. They told me the Football Mikes beat the Football Cochon de Laits, which I totally missed because I spent much of Game Day sleeping in my yard and dreaming about bacon, like a good American.
The good news is this Saturday we’re beating the University of Tennessee, but, apparently, I can’t eat their mascot because they’re a people and everyone here gets VERY TENSE when I joke about eating people, even though to me it sounds delicious. And because I’m joking. (I still don’t know what a joke is.)
I don’t even know what the Tennessee people are volunteering for? Maybe to be football coach? To be the first to leave the game, heads hanging in shame? To shelter poor Smokey the Dog from seeing the score?
I’m here to volunteer to explain why having your mascot being your actual mascot and not just a random dog or eagle or something is a good idea. (I give Reveille a pass because, well.)
Mascot consistency leads to a strong brand presence, more unified cheering, a happier fan base and a more exotic on campus mascot experience.
And you get to have a Me and everyone wants a Me, tbh.
Plus, you don’t have to constantly explain what your real mascot is. If you’re constantly having to be like, “Well, our mascot is an Earthworm, but we also are the Garden Gnomes and at games we yell Battle Snail,” then you are DOING IT WRONG.
Anyway, bottom line is that I slept through Game Day last weekend and then I saw that, like, one million people took pictures of me sleeping and PRIVACY, I don’t come to your house and take pictures of you snoozing on a Saturday. (And then they posted my weight on social media and, seriously, I will help 4chan hack your iCloud, LSU School of Vet Med Social Media Manager. Your nudes will be posted on Wikileaks.)
Not for nothing, but I am very excited about the basketball, also. I thought for sure that Coach Wade would come swim in my hot tub with me – his name is freaking WADE, does he not get how freaking epic that would be for him? (Meeting me is epic for most people.) Unfortunately, they keep telling me my home is a Tiger Place and not a People Place and literally you people constantly think I’m going to eat you.
I’m your spiritual leader and meat mentor, not your tormentor.
I mean, I DO want to snack on all of you, but I also want to shave SeVeN into my fur and I haven’t done that yet, either. I can be trusted. Probably.
Rocky Top Will Never Be Home To Me,