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BIG. GAME. PREVIEW. 2017.: LSU vs. TENNESSEE

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More like Volunteer for a beat down, amirite?

But don't tell my heart

My achy breaky heart

I just don't think he'd understand

And if you tell my heart

My achy breaky heart

He might blow up and kill this man


SERIES HISTORY

by Poseur

Record: 9-20-3

Last Game: LSU 38-7 (2011)

Historically, Tennessee has flat out dominated LSU. Which is probably why the Vols are not even among the top ten of LSU’s most frequent opponents. We had the good sense to avoid the bully that kept stealing our lunch money. Among teams LSU has played at least 10 times, Tennessee has the best winning percentage against the Tigers. This hasn’t been so much a rivalry as an infrequent beatdown.

However, things are changing. LSU has won four games in a row in the series (yes, we used to be 5-20 against the Vols, disregarding ties). A win here would be LSU’s tenth in the series and ge us somewhere resembling respectable. Just two more decades of Tennessee hiring substitute teachers, and we might catch them in (/checks SEC future schedules)… about a century.


BUTCH JONES HAS TIME TO EXPLORE NEW OPPORTUNITIES

by Paul Crewe


POSEUR’S RANDOM OLD MAN 10+1

by Poseur

The rules, as always, is I hit shuffle on the trusty old man iPod and whatever I get, I get. No skipping songs, no trying to look cool.

Guy starts off confused right from the get go, playing Anne Arbour, thinking he was making a tribute to another washed up, well past its prime program. Good try though. However, there’s not a song which sums up Tennessee’s season better than Stop Breathing.

The iPod then delves heavily into emo, which makes a lot of sense. This game should make you want to cry. By the time you’ve come out of it, you’ve Fried Your Little Brains. And let’s be honest, after this game, Tennessee fans will have seen another day go by With Nothing to Show For It.

The Hound Dog is sort of cute, though.


HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

by Paul Crewe

Familiarize yourself with some of Tennessee’s biggest playmakers or let’s speculate about Tennessee’s next coach like VolQuest sources.

Bill Belichick

Hell Tennessee is a step up from New England and he’s probably tired of dominating the NFL anyway. Plus, Tom Brady is about to retire and he’s not gonna want to risk his legacy breaking in a new QB. This is choice number 1. I’m told terms are agreed upon. He’s bringing Saban as recruiting coordinator.

Nick Saban

Back up plan to Belichick. I’m told Saban would take the job if offered, but Tennessee wants to slow play him. Saban is restless in Tuscaloosa and feels resurrecting another blue blood program would solidify his legacy. Terri was house shopping in Knoxville this week.

Chip Kelly

Choice no. 3. Florida wants him, but I’m told Chip thinks he can win faster at UT. Chip’s an amazing coach and the NFL rules really held him back. Recruiting won’t be a problem. We have a huge budget (unlike Oregon!) and I’m told he’s gonna hire some of the top SE recruiters in the nation (think Jimbo Fisher as OC here).

Albert Haynesworth

Big Al is a Vol legend, but obviously the concern is lack of head coaching experience. I’m told boosters aren’t too worried because recruiting will be so good, he should be able to win, kinda like Big Ed at LSU. Dark horse candidate, but don’t be surprised if he winds up being the choice after they pass on the others.


OOTD: TENNESSEE

by Christina Stephens

If you think that Tennessee deserves a pass on its Crimes Against Color because of the truly awful season it is having, and because it just fired its coach and because it is currently Co-Worst Team in the SEC with VANDERBILT (which, like, can’t we trade them for a real SEC team please?), then you clearly aren’t from around here.

Let’s be clear: the University of Tennessee Volunteers likely have the worst orange in all of football. It lacks the richness of the jewel-tone of Champions of Orange Syracuse. And when paired with white, it is drained of any actual depth. (Much like it’s bench. Amirite?) Simply put, it’s an orange you would describe as orange, but that you would never wear unless you were maybe a traffic cone or a pumpkin or in an orange crayon costume.

So, naturally Tennessee fans put it in a checkerboard pattern and wear it from head to toe. You almost have to admire the willingness to go all out in Ugliest Orange Ever for a team that let SEC Powerhouse Missouri hang 50 on it last week, but then you see the orange again and, no, definitely not.

Who volunteers to explain to the Vols how style works?

When paired with gray, as the Vols did against Georgia in its Smoke alternate unis, the orange is toned down slightly. (Though, the gray of the Smoke alternates is reminiscent of rubber garbage cans, which is pretty appropriate, if we’re being honest.) You’d call this Dumpster Fire Orange, but even flaming garbage is prettier than Tennessee Orange.

Tennessee accents many of its uniforms and work out options with a white and orange checkerboard, mimicking the grass in the end zone of Neyland Stadium. This is the one fashion touch which, if used sparingly, could be a clever accent the uniforms. But, it somehow seems like an afterthought. Vintage, in a We Ran Out Of Ideas way. (Much like it’s football team. Amirite?)

2/10 Do Not Wear


VOLUNTEER STAGES OF GRIEF

by Paul Crewe


AWARD WATCH

by Poseur

Derrius Guice. LSU announced that Guice needs just two carries to become the all-time SEC leader in yards per carry among backs with at least 400 career carries, passing the incomparable Bo Jackson with a 6.9 average to 6.6. That’s a cool feat, and I don’t want to take anything away from Guice because he’s awesome, but the all-time leaderboard minimum is 300 carries on sports-reference, so Guice only ranks third all-time, and there’s no way he’s going to catch Felix Jones at 7.7. Jones had 386 career carries.

Greedy Williams. Back into a tie for the SEC lead in interceptions at four. However, Greedy is the clubhouse leader with 14 passes defended, so how about turning some of those PBU’s into picks, Greedy? Though he’s just following the example of Donte Jackson, who has 10 PBU’s and 0 interceptions. Throw in Kevin Toliver and Grant Delpit’s 8 passes defended each, and LSU’s starting foursome has 42 passes defended. #DBU.


BRADY COKE

by Paul Crewe


THE MINGO

by Poseur

Tennessee has a Shaq and that’s just wrong. I appreciate honoring the greatest athlete of his generation, but Shaq is ours, and shouldn’t be in Knoxville. While we’re on the subject of guys clearly at the wrong school, Princeton Fant sounds like an extra in Trading Places or at the very least, a Vanderbilt finance major. Tennessee even has Logan Punch on their roster, which sounds like a stage direction in an X-Men film. I’m also a fan of the descriptive Shy Tuttle. Someone should help him break out of his shell.

It’s a goldmine, is what I’m saying. We’ve become used to it, but Jauan Jennings is just an awesome name. It’s like modern Dickens right there with the alliteration and everything. But our winner this week is Quay Picou, a defensive lineman from Sugar Hill, Georgia. It sounds like he was actually in the Sugar Hill Gang.


PAUL CREWE IS A GOOD BLOGGER

by Paul Crewe


REALISTIC PESSIMISM

by Poseur

Poseur talks to an anonymous CBS Sports employee and transcribes their conversation.

I can’t even do it this week. Have you seen Tennessee play football? Holy crap, they’re terrible. Even a team as lousy as LSU can beat these losers. But Ed Orgeron is still stupid.

Honestly, Tennessee’s total collapse this year proves how great Joshua Dobbs really was...


DR. O

by Paul Crewe

[As a hearse flies over a cliff and explodes]

Man:What happened?

Bond:I think they were on their way to a funeral.

It’s hard to trash talk a corpse. Tennessee, you fancy yourself a blue blood but the glory years are long departed. Sure, you own our history. But history doesn’t repeat itself. No one cares that you dominated before the invention of central heat and air. Peyton Manning already retired from the pros and even he couldn’t deliver a title to Rocky Top. Hell, the QB that did is living the good life in Southern California with no interest in coming home. It’s a shame to see you in shambles. I mean, I should hate you, but really, I want you to be good, Tennessee. I want you to weaken the pair of teams we share on our yearly schedule: Alabama & Florida. So, of course, you are gonna hire another blow-up doll and call him coach. Good grief man, get it together.

This will be a romp.

LSU 55

Tennessee 3