Playin’ “Nice” with Roll Bama Roll

1. Would Alabama hit a man with glasses?

Here's the problem you're running into, a'ight? When you are reading your keys, filling your assignments and focusing on the fundamentals, you don't have time to look at a player's eyes. Nothing good ever happens when you look in the eyes between the snap and the whistle. We don't care if that's a blind guy on the field. It could be Chester Marcol out there for all we care. We've got enough problems getting our corners to turn around and look for the damned ball, and watching the receiver's hips. Now you want us to look in an opponent's eyes?

That's not how you play to a standard. Is that what we want football to be?

2. Is Respect For The Tide more like salt, in that the right amount wakes up all the other flavors of a dish but too much overpowers; or like sugar, in that the right amount cuts through some bitterness, but too much leads to diabetes and poor oral hygiene?

If "Respect for the Tide" is to be equated somehow to a white, powdery substance, I would pick Rat Poison. You guys just want to puff our players up, get them all excited about what they have already accomplished, but that ain't gonna help you the next time a helmet slams you in the gut, a'ight? So you just go on trying to sprinkle that stuff on our Soylent shakes, or spread it around elsewhere. (Note: where other campuses are concerned, the white powder for Knoxville would be crystal meth, the white powder for Gainesville would be cocaine, and the white powder for Auburn would be Spike 80DF.)

**Ed. Note: we all know there’s way more booger sugar in Tuscaloosa, Ricky.**
-Billy

3. Does Nick Saban put the rat poison in his own goblet, or his enemy's?

He puts it in both. As part of The Process, he has spent the last several seasons developing an immunity to iocaine powder.

4. Is it true that Nick Saban is using the assorted cartilage and ligaments from his broken-down, used-up former players to grind up into some sort of youth serum to try and coach into his 90s?

That is entirely untrue. Our Dark Lord's elixir of youth is made up of deer antler spray, shards of the One True Ring thought to have been smelted in the fires of Mount Doom, and shredded contracts of the coaches he has forced into early buyouts. And andouille, because he is not a savage.

5. Alabama has ruined the Southeastern Conference and more or less sucked most of the fun out of football. What will Nick Saban ruin next?

There had been speculation that he might be popular enough, and a solid enough executive to run for governor in Alabama. However, the last few years have already ruined politics at both the state and federal level, and he would have a hard time topping that to leave a larger legacy of destruction.

Which leaves us with the following possibilities:

• Reality Television
• the Miami Dolphins (hah! just kidding)
• Air guitar
• Interpretive dance
• Blackjack
• World Series of Poker
• Detective novels
• Anime
• Industrial occupational safety
• 8K television
• The next Playstation
• Group therapy
• Candy corns (which are trash, and ought to be expunged post-haste)
• Ed Orgeron
• NASA
• Tesla. The band.
• Tesla. The company.
• Tesla. The engineer.
• Elon Musk, on principle.
• Pumpkin spice anything. Is that what we want foods to be?
• Cut blocks
• Miramax
• Bitcoin wannabes