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There Is No ‘Lesser’ Evil in the Iron Bowl

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No, you can’t cheer for Auburn

Auburn v Alabama
Neither Nick Saban nor Gus Malzahn deserve your support.
Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

This week is the Iron Bowl, the rivalry game for those two schools two states over, literally the biggest thing to happen in the state of Alabama each year, the largest annual gathering of some of our most irksome football foes, a reminder of everyone we as LSU fans should rise up against.

Yet, for some reason, each year LSU fans pick sides in this game, either cheering for Alabama as SEC Delegate to the Championship or Auburn as the Official Slayer of Alabama.

Both of these groups of LSU fans are terribly wrong and misguided.

When the Iron Bowl is on, you cheer for a game-ending meteor to crash at midfield, shutting down an Alabama touchdown drive more effectively than Auburn ever could, in a fashion so spectacular that we’ll tell our great grandkids about one day. (Just imagine the 30 for 30 potential of The Meteor Game.)

Roughly 75 percent of the LSU fans I know will decide they’re going to stick it to Alabama and cheer for Auburn to win the game, as if anything other than actually beating Alabama ourselves counts. The twisted logic is that the Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend. And while that might work in politics, all girls’ high schools and international espionage, this is college football and we don’t cheer for our enemies here. It’s bad for your soul.

Excepting years where LSU might somehow directly benefit from Auburn beating Alabama (and let’s face it, until we figure out how to actually beat Alabama ourselves, there will rarely be a benefit to LSU of the Tide winning that game), thinking of Auburn as our scrappy sidekick and not our foe is pointless. Need I remind you of the Cigar Game? Do you think they’ll forget about our come-from-behind win this year? Doubtful. Quit cheering for a team that’s gunning for us always. They literally celebrate victories with toilet paper. They have 17 mascots.

Case, rested.

But, you protest, “I want to pull for Alabama because they have the best chance of winning in the playoffs.”

Oh, so you’re an SEC purist? How cute. #PatOnTheHead

Like that social media post everyone shares each year says – “Cheering for Alabama because it is in the SEC is like cheering for Satan because he’s in the Bible.” Take your SEC LOYALTY elsewhere, my delusional friend.

Do you honestly think that anyone from the University of Alabama would cheer for anyone but their team in the Championship? Hell no. Nick Saban would have none of it. Alabama spends all season crushing the dreams of every team it plays. Its coach calls the heaps of praise any team would die for RAT POISON. Alabama doesn’t need, or quite frankly DESERVE, your support.

And, spoiler alert, the rest of College Football is over the idea of SEC DOMINANCE in the sport and, short of the SEC somehow sending four teams to the playoffs, will give the SEC zero bonus points for an Alabama win. And what does LSU get for all those, “Man the SEC is GOOD” mentions that come when Alabama does win anyway? Absolutely nothing … unless you enjoy placing third or lower in the SEC West each year, which we can do without selling out and rooting for Auburn. So don’t.

This Iron Bowl, wear purple and gold and cheer for the meteor or an asteroid or the Shadow Monster from the Upside Down or literally anyone other than Alabama and Auburn. Because they wouldn’t root for us, because no outcome really helps LSU a lot and because either of those teams winning is a gut punch that we don’t need.

Happy Thanksgiving, real Tigers.