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BIG. GAME. PREVIEW. 2017.: LSU vs. ALABAMA

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RESPECT THE PROCESS. RESPECT THE TIDE.

Well, my friends, the time has come

Raise the roof and have some fun

Throw away the work to be done

Let the music play on

Everybody sing, everybody dance

Lose yourself in wild romance, we going to

Parti', karamu', fiesta, forever

Come on and sing along

We're going to parti', karamu', fiesta, forever

Come on and sing along

All night long (all night), all night (all night)

All night long (all night), all night (all night)

All night long (all night), all night (all night)

All night long (all night), ooh yeah (all night)


SERIES RECORD

by Paul Crewe

Record: 25-51-5

Last 10: 2-8

Last Game: 10-0 Alabama

LSU is on the wrong side of history against Alabama, much like the rest of the football world. After flirting with a brief run of dominance in the 2000s, the Tigers returned to the regular order of the universe and let me tell you, this universe sucks. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but at some point they laid the foundation. Time to start building a new streak.


RESPECTIN’ THE TIDE-O-METER

by Paul Crewe


THE MINGO

by Paul Crewe

It’s tempting to pick men named Minkah and Hootie, but that’s a little overt, no? So the choice is Wheeler Harris, a lowly walk-on back-up QB. That is the most Alabama sounding QB of all-time. I look forward to watching his Heisman-level place holding.


WE FOUND NICK SABAN’S DELETED TWITTER

by Paul Crewe


AWARD WATCH

by Paul Crewe

SEC West Champions. The winner of this game will be in the driver’s seat for the SEC West and sitting in pretty position to represent the division in Atlanta. While LSU and Alabama would technically be tied, LSU would hold the H2H advantage and get the nod. Which initiates CHAOS SCENARIO THE SEQUAL, in memoriam of 2007 college football.

Let there be chaos.


RETIRE THE REPLICANT

by Paul Crewe


HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

by Paul Crewe

Familiarize yourself with some of Alabama’s biggest playmakers or name your Alabama undeserving Heisman candidate.

Jalen Hurts

Alabama’s No. 1 running back is their starting QB. Because he plays for Alabama, no one in the media wastes any time highlighting his porous throwing ability, instead choosing to focus on his “leadership” and “composure” and whatever other nonsense they can to prop him up as a leading Heisman candidate despite being the most replaceable player on the field for Alabama. But hey, he throws a helluva screen pass!

Minkah Fitzpatrick

He’s been compared to the Honey Badger by such idiots like the host of the Sneaky Good Podcast, but he has only one interception and one sack. That’s a solid half in Mathieu’s world, not three quarters of a season’s worth of production. But he will probably win the Heisman, because you cannot measure the worth of a player whose real production is actually hidden.

Nick Saban

Bored with coaching dominance and realizing he actually has a single year of eligibility remaining, Saban will suit up for the final four games. He will, of course, get obliterated because he is a 66-year-old man trying to compete with young athletes hitting their physical primes. It will not matter, as his courage will garner enough Heisman votes to take home the trophy.


OOTD: BAMA

by Christina Stephens

Saturday’s game against Alabama may (or may not) be a battle for the ages, but don’t worry, LSU wins the fashion competition before it begins.

Our mighty foes from Alabama will wear crimson and white, a crisp, but terribly boring combination befitting a team of football playing robots set to Win At All Costs. They may be the more skilled, talented, experienced and overall better team on Saturday, but we do have a unique color scheme and classic uniforms. (And a live tiger.)

In football fashion terms, Alabama is that kid in school with the best trendy (not unique) clothes, who didn’t have to wear hand me downs or dresses made by Mom. Alabama wore army pants and flip flops, so everyone else bought army pants and flip flops. They have the best of everything, their hair shines in the light just right, their Instagram is on fire.

You envy their style, not because it is somehow exceptional, but because it is what you’re told is on trend. It’s a sad, empty kind of beauty – anything less than every hair in place, every angle perfect is ugly. Anything less than complete domination is a loss.

And LSU’s just over here trying to make an outfit out of some new accessories and a few leftovers from last year’s closet, with an entire can of dry shampoo in our hair and the remnants of last night’s makeup on our eyes, just faking it until we make it.

In terms of high school movies, Alabama is somehow a mix of Regina George in Mean Girls, Johnny from the Cobra Kai dojo in Karate Kid and Tracy Flick in Election. They’ll be dressed to perfection (probably in an outfit you wanted), mean as hell and driven beyond what is healthy. (That makes LSU Cady Heron, Daniel the Karate Kid and, possibly Matthew Broderick, if we’re following this ill-fitting comparison to completion.)

Bottom line: sometimes, in the end, the kid with the mismatched clothes wins, the not popular girl removes her ponytail to reveal a knockout, the villain loses.

And, even if it doesn’t happen for LSU on Saturday, we do still have a live tiger.


REALISTIC PESSIMISM BY POSEUR

by Paul Crewe

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Have you watched Alabama and LSU this year?


ORGERON’S ELEVEN

by Paul Crewe

That’s a pretty narrow-minded attitude.

We get it. It’s a tall task. The house’s money is well protected and deeply barricaded in the most elaborate defense system designed in modern football. The fact that we are not worthy is well established. The fact that Alabama is impenetrable is understood.

Which is exactly why we’re going to come in like thieves of the night. You might call us dirty rotten crooks, but you’re just frustrated you didn’t see our plan unfolding before your eyes. Oh we have every scenario plotted; we have every situation accounted for. We schmoozed the security guy, liquored up the pit boss’ wife and deployed the decoys well in advance. This ain’t your regular old smash and grab. We’ve tried that before and wisened up. We’re playing a new game now. One with which you may not be familiar. It will feature jet sweeps and double-halfback reverse passes to the TE from the end zone. Our plan is to hit you where you’ll never guess. You ready?

LSU 37

Alabama 34