My snacks, it’s been a minute. Or so they tell me: I still don’t have a watch, despite dropping a lot of hints and trying to steal one from a graduate assistant who will never get that close to my house again.
I feel like you guys think I don’t understand technology, but as the world’s most Instagrammed tiger, I do. I think I should be the first tiger with FaceID, which would really solve my whole problem of not being able to control my own brand identity. I want agency as a being and the first step to truly becoming my best self is definitely selecting an Animoji.
The Apple CEO supposedly likes Tigers, so I dictated an email to him requesting a BIG iPhone X for my fish bowl (my trainers are awesome at typing and I am persuasive, with the teeth and all), but apparently, Tim Cook actually likes War Eagle, which isn’t even a thing, though I will admit it does sound delicious. (Not as delicious as beating Auburn in a stunning, historic comeback. GEAUX REAL MEs).
So, I guess no iPhone X for No Longer Harvey.
In a pinch, I’d also accept an Apple Watch so I could stream my band’s music on my paw, like a boss. My band? The Golden Band from Tigerland? Yeah, you might’ve heard of them, I’ve been pretty into them for awhile.
But back to the subject at paw, let’s not speak of that loss to the Unsmiling Man. I’m super pumped to see all y’all Saturday morning, with your Coach O-approved spiked coffee. (Spike it with booze, not actual spikes. #MikeProTip).
If we can speak confidentially for a moment, I’m most excited about this game because at the start of the season I ranked the other mascots (except for Reveille, I would never harm majestic Reveille) by taste level and apparently razorback is just WILD PIG and well that just sounds delicious, so I ranked them No. 1 to taste, which they should be super excited about because it’s the only football ranking they’ll be seeing for awhile.
I was thinking of how delicious your Saturday shrines to me will smell this week – bacon, pork belly (hipster bacon), cochon de lait from my Cajun fans, pork sausage, maybe some gas station cracklins? I love when you guys cook the other team’s mascot as an offering to me, Your Mike.
In conclusion, even though we play the White Bean Seasonings at what they tell me is an ungodly hour, y’all better enjoy this last month, because we could win our last three games and go to a good bowl (not a food one, they explained that to me last week and I felt dumb for being confused) and that would the kicker to my first football season as your Chancellor.
Mike the Tiger is coming back, y’all.
Let’s end Bielema,