For the first time since 2005, LSU has a new head football coach and with him comes a new exciting offensive coordinator, a new Mike the Tiger, and a new Cold War. Isn’t it time you update your tailgate to reflect these changes?
It doesn’t matter what you think if you’re older than I am. Your options are to either become a relic of the past forgotten by the younger generation or update your tailgate to reflect the tastes of a demographic that you don’t belong to. You don’t want the everlasting scorn of the hip kids, now do you? Nobody ever does.
I understand it’s a hard process if you don’t actually understand how to be a millennial, so I am here with a few pointers to make your tailgate millennial approved.
- Never cater. I commend catering for the laziness factor, in that sense it is a true millennial act. But us millennials are actively trying to kill off all chain restaurants by any means necessary. And what is by far the most catered items for tailgates? Finger sandwiches. And what do sandwiches have? That’s right. Gluten.
- Instead, pass off cooking to somebody else. By all means, don’t actually do the work yourself. Find somebody who is quickly becoming out of touch with the blossoming youth that is the early to mid 20’s and pin that duty on them. Some light persuading will be needed, but shouldn’t be too too difficult if they’re really washed up.
- Ditch the hot dogs and hamburgers. For one, it’s basic. Two, it’s problematic. Hamburgers are made from cows, not pigs. Stop appropriating pig culture, cows. And if you can’t list what’s inside of a hot dog in a tweet, then you shouldn’t be eating it. The Snapchat Hot Dog is totally fine, though. In fact, it’s encouraged.
- Come up with something different. Oh, you have jambalaya at your tailgate? How quaint. Let me guess, you did fried alligator when Florida came to town. At ours we start off with a bacon French avocado toast and mimosa brunch before moving on to a pre-game meal of zesty lemon-garlic chicken parmesan. It’s a lot of work yeah and your cook probably won’t have time to participate in whatever new dance is out at the time, but that’s their problem to deal with.
- Speaking of, take credit by not giving it. Everything at the tailgate is because of you. The bacon French avocado toast, the zesty lemon-garlic chicken parmesan, the kegs of Miller that you say are a gluten-free American pilsner and the white wine, everything you post on social media is your doing because you never say it isn’t. If you post it enough, people will assume you did the labor on it.
- Goad your parents into buying you a cheap television and satellite package. You obviously have to have a way to watch other games while you party, and this is the easiest and second-most millennial way. But what if it doesn’t work? Then you go to the most millennial way of doing this:
- “Reclaim” an old TV and use somebody else’s ESPN login information with some student’s campus wifi login. I mean, obviously.
- With that TV, watch English soccer until it’s time for the picks on Gameday. These last two go without saying. Nobody wants to cry into their mimosas because of Tom Rinaldi, they want to exchange witty banter on why Klopp is a “right wank” and how Ozil hasn’t moved all game. I know what these terms mean because I’m a millennial, but it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t. All that matters is that things like this are said.
- Increase your brand awareness. Gotta spend money to get likes here. Coozies are the obvious go-to and you should plaster stickers on everything, but Comfort Colors shirts are a good idea. Nevermind that you’re spending the entire day outside in late August and September, you pretty much have to get the heavy cloth three pound Comfort Colors. Nike dri-fits are an option, but you can’t really screenprint those and get mileage out of them. Plus, they’ll clash with your Yeezys.
- Pocket batteries for your phone. What good is a lit tailgate if you can’t snap it all and then delete it when you’re hungover on Sunday morning?
- Vapid, airy pop songs are good now. It isn’t ironic to like pop music anymore, and it’s funner to listen to than country songs about blue jeans painted on trucks with the good ole boys down by the river and easier than rocks songs with interesting composition and blaring solos. People will yell the lyrics to Tongue Tied and mumble through the Spanish in Despacito at the drop of a hat, but nobody wants to sit and listen to the chord progression in YYZ. Being a nerd is cool now, but not that kind of nerd.
Theme your tailgates. Start out small if it seems intimidating, and then build from there. Purple tailgates, gold tailgates,
white tailgates, Wade Boggs Challenge tailgates, Halloween tailgates, Game of Thrones tailgates, 80’s movie taikgates, pop culture reference tailgates, joke about your depression for likes and retweets tailgates, so on and so forth.
- Don’t actually go to the games. Why would you possibly do that? You could watch the game for free in the air-conditioned comfort of your house on your HDTV while beating the traffic, or you could sit in a stadium and be compelled to contribute to the atmosphere that makes college football so unique.
Thanks but no thanks.