**Ed. Note: Welcome back Mandy! Be sure to follow her at her more regular digs over at the Red Stick Moms blog! Great resource for anybody with kids in the Baton Rouge area.**
Hey y'all! I'm back for another season of LSU football! I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to offer you my slightly interested, mostly amused insight into any other sports last year. Basketball noises make me cringe, and that week of baseball couldn't quite hold my attention. But, I think I may have found a way to make it up to you.
As you all know, Coach Orgeron blocked the media from fall camp. When I heard about this atrocity, I knew that I had to find a way to get preseason information to the loyal readers of ATVS. You'll be happy to know that I was able to get a sneak peak, and I'm here to give you all the details you've been waiting for.
The burning question at the start of every season is "What is our offense going to look like this year?" Well, I can assure you that they looked great when I saw them. While Myles Brennan's dreaminess isn't quite up to par with Paul Walker's "Lance Harbor," he is pretty close. And, Danny Etling's boy next door look is a dead ringer for James Van Der Beek's "Mox." So, like I said, we have a good looking offense this year, no worries there. And since I'm throwing around Varsity Blues references, I'll add that Coach Canada has definitely been watching the movie for inspiration. Don't be surprised if you see some Oopty Oop-like plays this fall.
Now, with all of the transfers and injuries this year, I made sure to pay close attention to the offensive line. Unfortunately, they kept tripping over the "help wanted" signs, making it hard for me to get an accurate picture of their progress. HR confirmed they should have the spaces filled by September 2, so you'll know when I know.
LSU defense has always been pretty reliable as far as size and quickness, and this year is no different. I had no idea what they were doing, but they were very large and moving faster than they should be able to move. I was more curious to see how Coach Aranda gets his guys motivated and keeps them in check with him being a low talker and all. It turns out that his mind-control eyebrow furrow does just the trick. The Rock's "The People's Eyebrow" has nothing on Aranda's "I'll probably be disappointed" stare down. Rashard Lawrence even attributes his recent improvement to finally allowing Aranda's eyebrow furrow gaze to linger as it should. Just let yourself get lost in a piercing glance, and you'll see.
Towards the end of practice, a coach finally pointed to the far corner of one of the practice fields and said, "Oh yeah, the kickers are over there." I couldn't quite make out what they were doing, so I moved closer and discovered they were kicking empty Red Bull cans into a dumpster. I'm glad Coach Orgeron was finally able to find a use for both the remnants of his Red Bull addiction and the kickers. He truly does excel in evaluating talent.
Before I left, I saw that Karl Malone was there smoking a cigar and taking videos with his flip phone. I'm not sure if he was allowed to do it because he is Karl Malone or because everyone knows that the video files from a flip phone are worthless. Most likely, it was a combination of both.
If you were amused enough to read this ridiculous teaser of a post all the way to the end, I do have a small reward for you. Someone I know did actually get a peak at practice. I can't disclose any real details, but I can tell you that they are very excited for the season and you should be too.