/knocks at door

Hello, may I have a few minutes of your time to discuss the wonders of our Lord and Savior, college football?

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Series History

by Poseur

Record: 0-0
Last Meeting: Never

The teams have never met, which seems so unlikely given our similarities. BYU is a school from the west, LSU in the south. BYU is in the mountains, LSU looks up to see the river. BYU is famous for its offensive fireworks. LSU is famous for its offensive tire fires.

But we both have cat mascots, so that’s something.

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Poseur’s Old Man Random 10+1

Where Poseur plugs in his old iPod classic, hits shuffle, and then makes a Spotify playlist out of the first ten songs that pop up. No cheating, no trying to look cool. Whatever songs pop up, that’s what goes on the list.

Very punk heavy, even for my iPod. It wants LSU to come out angry. To be fair, there was an Aimee Mann song in the middle of that shuffle, but “Jimmy Hoffa Jokes” is not on Spotify. Which tells us that we are going to bury a body in the end zone.

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COUGAR WATCH

ETLINGMANIA II

by Paul Crewe

Reporter: Danny, there’s a lot of people asking questions about whether you are up to the challenge of being LSU’s starting quarterback. What do you have to say to the critics?

Etling: I DON’T CARE ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE... MANNNN! I’M TIRED OF ALL THE HUFFING AND THE PUFFING. I’M TIRED OF ALL THE CHIRP CHIRP CHIIRRRRPPPINGG, MEAN GENE

Reporter: Um, my name is Ross Del...

Etling: THAT’S RIGHT MEAN GENE. ALL THE ETLINGMANIACS ARE STANDING UP. THEY ARE STANDING WITH ME ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN. THE TRUMPETS ARE BLASTING OUT THE HYMNS OF TRUTH. EVIL SHALL NOT PASS. THERE SHALL BE NO DEATH. VICTORY HAS BEEN SEALED. I AM DELIVERED. I AM THE DELIVERER. I AM QUARTERBACK. AND ALL YE WHO SHALL DENY ME WILL SOMEDAY SHOUT MY NAME. WHHHHATTTTCCCHHAAAA GONNA DOOOO BROTHAAA WHEN ETLINGMANIA RUNS WILLLLLDDDD ON YOUUUUU.

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The Mingo

by Poseur

Where we honor the best nomenclature on the opposing roster...

There’s an embarrassment of riches on the BYU roster for this week’s Mingo. There’s a wonderful mix of Samoan and names that seem spit out of some generic Mormon Name Generator online. But after some consideration, I gave the award to Sione TakiTaki.

If there’s one thing I enjoy more than a bag of Taki’s snack chips, its two bags of Taki’s. Just saying the name makes my mouth water. And not just from the heat.

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How To Talk To a Mormon/Cajun

by Paul Crewe

So you’re making the big trip to NOLA (that’s a colloquialism for New Orleans, the Capitol City of Louisiana)? Well, besides the buckets of gumbo, assorted fried foods and perpetually imminent foreboding weather issues, it’s really a lovely place. I’ve been searching the interwebs to find a resource that can really help bridge the cultural gap between the fine people of the South and their many indulgences and the more reserved, devout folks coming from, I believe it’s Utah? (You should really put that in your school name to help us out). At any rate, here’s a quick step-by-step guide to talking with your new cross-cultural friends:

1. Approach cautiously, but with a smile
2. Extend hand as gesture and introduce oneself
3. Engage in chatter (this is a slang term for conversation)

Good luck!

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Matt Canada: Contortionist

by Paul Crewe

Matt’s going to put you in a bunch of different spots and contort you, and we’ve contorted in a bunch of different ways.

-Dave Aranda

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by Paul Crewe

Familiarize yourself with some of BYU’s biggest playmakers.

Tejan Koroma

Koroma plays with great leverage, as pictured, and uses his hips, which have both been surgically replaced, well, according to Coach. Looks to be a big challenge for Greg Gilmore and Ed Alexander in the middle.

Tanner Mangum

BYU’s QB, a 15-year starter, really impressed our own Seth Galina, with his performance against Portland State, a university that didn’t even have a football program when Mangum was conceived amongst a littler of 27 brothers and sisters. Galina states he’s known for “accurate balls... behind the center.”

Squally Canada

BYU’s leading rusher is neither a gust of wind nor a country, which is pretty confusing. He doesn’t wear a helmet because it’s against his particular brand of Mormonism.

Fred Warner

BYU’s multipurpose threat: Leading tackler and highest credit score (836 FICO baby). Warner recently retired from 32 quality years at Holman, Holman and Maddux, where he made partner. He poses for stock photos in his spare time.

Mo Langi

He plays defensive tackle.

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Award Watch

by Poseur

Derrius Guice. No yards on no carries. If you divide by zero, that means his yards per attempt is incalculable. Just give him the Heisman.

Arden Key. Will sit the game out to give everyone else a chance. It’s only fair.

Danny Etling. There’s no college football award for Most Handsome. Yet. This bears watching.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

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OOTD: BYU Edition

by Christina Stephens (@CEStephens)

Unsurprisingly, BYU’s official colors are navy and khaki (was khaki and darker khaki not an option?) and they’re sporting some kind of Nike designed vapeing uniforms this season. Overall, the uniforms aren’t completely unfortunate, but they’re not groundbreaking fashion statements either. Basically, if you’re going to rep your team with the color combo of a tame and boring, you should lean completely into it. Give us some faux pleated front khaki football pants and cleats styled like loafers.

Thick white stripes adorn the shoulders of BYU’s players (average age: 24). In media photos and at in their opening game, the Cougars went with a navy and white color scheme, though the team and their fans apparently sometimes wear royal blue — not just blue, not turquoise, not lapis — when the overwhelming normal-ness of navy and white is too much.

The confusing part of these navy and white uniforms is the large royal blue patch on the front, which seems out of place with overall Lands’ End catalog vibe (crisp white pants pair nicely with a classic navy top!) of the whole ensemble. The patches are a sweet tribute to a legendary BYU coach, LaVell Edwards, who passed in 2016. There is no higher honor in college football than a uniform patch, at least until they name the stadium after you, which BYU did for Edwards when he retired.

BYU gets points for adding some much-needed flair to its uniforms in the form of this patch homage. Embellishments are TOTALLY in this season on jeans, jackets, backpacks and football jerseys. But the BYU patch doesn’t match enough to coordinate with the look and it doesn’t clash enough to bring a much-needed pop of color to this straight-from-The Preppy Handbook outfit. While the styling of the patch is sort of bold and graphic, the overall effect would be stronger in a nice complementary color, like orange, or, if you’re feeling crazy, lime. To be totally on trend and Instagram ready, the patch really should’ve been Millennial Pink, which is that mauve or dusty rose color that everyone is LIVING for. #pink #coloroftheyear

A bigger issue for the uniforms is that, apparently, BYU borrowed its athletics logo from Yahoo! circa the late 1990s, incorporating a free-standing Y onto the side of its helmets, in the center of players’ chests and in relief on their thighpad region. No word on if they’re integrating the yodel into their pregame.

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As dictated to Poseur by an anonymous CBS Sports employee

This is not just the first game of the year, this is the first game of the college career of multiple players in the LSU two-deep. Like never before, LSU is relying on freshmen to contribute right away. Meanwhile, BYU is an experienced team with tons of married guys in their twenties. They have life experience. Nothing is going to surprise them.

LSU’s second leading returning receiver is Derrius Guice. And he had 9 catches for just over 100 yards. There’s a complete absence of wide receiver production returning. Pair that with an offensive line that has been shedding players this offseason, and you have a recipe for disaster.

The total lack of experience dooms LSU. As soon as something goes wrong, as it always does in a football game, the team will mentally fall apart. LSU plays tight, BYU stays in the game, and a late special teams blunder costs LSU the game. The Tigers have no chance. There’s a reason this is a popular upset pick. Buckle up for a long year.

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COMING THIS FALL

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Defensive line coach. Cajun. 10-25. Failure. Politics. Not qualified. Too old. Too Louisiana. Nobody else wanted him. Red bulls. Crootin’. Scandal. Lane Kiffin. Pete Carroll. Wild boys. Rip your shirt off. Compete. Compete. Compete. 10-25. Ole Miss. Just a position coach. Interim. Loser. Failure. Cost saving measure. Stop gap hire. Panic move. Cajun. 10-25.

OOHHHHH LOOK WHAT YOU JUST MADE ME DO.

The talk stops now. You had your fun for 10 months. But the games are over. Say what you will, how you will. Mock our coach. Mock our state. Mock our team. Oh we’re young? Oh, we don’t have a quarterback? Oh, our coach is an idiot? Your originality is jarring. We’ve heard it all and it didn’t upset us. No, each line... each jab... each murmur...each smirk... We’ve read them. We’ve felt them. We’ve heard them. We’ve seen them. The thing you seem to have misunderstood is that we don’t shy from critics... we welcome them.

Step right on up, here’s your premium ticket for a front row seat for an ass whipping. Sorry BYU, it’s not your fault. You are going to bear the punishment for 10 months of restless bullshit chatter that we finally get to put to rest.

The past is dead and gone.

The Era of Orgeron is upon us.

LSU: 56
BYU: 3.5