Hey y’all —
There’s been some confusion over the past few days about me potentially rushing to … pet … your fake stuffed tigers and banging my head against the glass of my biodome, which is pretty unpleasant actually. Apparently, SOME PEOPLE around here think I don’t get the difference between food and not food.
Because I’m a tiger.
Not for nothing, but no one tells the other tigers to stop running when they’ve got the ball. They’re not like, “Hey Derrius, don’t run into that wall behind the touchdown!”
Nevertheless, I wanted to clear the air a little because I’m new here and you guys seem like super obsessed with me? Probably unhealthily so. Literally, I walked outside one day and there were people everywhere and cameras and it was really confusing because no one called me Harvey anymore. (Except for Doc Baker, who calls me Harvey, but only when I misbehave and he’s disappointed in me.)
And, I mean, who likes the name Harvey, right? What am I, a bouncer? A dude who drives trucks? (I don’t even actually know what a truck is, sounds delicious.) But I still needed some advance notice about the name change? It’s just fair.
What if I just started calling you My Dinner 27?
But, back to my point.
Look, your dog looks like food. So does your stuffed animal. And probably your kid, too. Really, everything looks like food? This is why I can’t have mirrors.
I’m a tiger. What do you want from me?
Also, I want to hug you.*
TBH, I don’t think I’ve seen a full human face out in my yard in weeks? I think there are faces, but as I stare through the barriers that keep me from hugging/mauling/eating you, I just see iPhone screens. Am I on Facebook Live now? Did you just Snapchat me without my permission? You better have tagged my official freaking Instagram account. And #NoFilter that pic, because I am amazing looking. Some of us don’t need help. #Blessed
You people have no chill. And they won’t even let me run my own Snapchat anyway because I don’t have thumbs, so I can’t even see the Stories you are posting about me. Did you put that licking dog filter on me just now? DO NOT PUT A FLOWER CROWN ON ME. I am a majestic freaking hunter.
Also: I ate the last iPhone that got too close to me. LIVESTREAM THAT, FLOWER CROWN.
Be-tee-dubs, I am very excited to see you on Saturdays. First one was live. I heard some kids say that. I don’t know what it means. Sounds delicious. After I eat my standard Game Day meal of Mascot Shaped Ground Meat, I’m going to come out to greet you from inside my snow globe. Just do me a solid and don’t bring anything that looks edible if you’re not going to actually let me eat it.
Because I am a tiger.
* I don’t know what hug means. Sounds delicioius.*