Who Does Ole Miss Choose?

As we all know, the average Ole Miss fan would sooner be caught drinking out of an imitation Yeti tumbler than root for LSU. Especially with Ed Orgeron at the helm of the program. There's no love lost for Mississippi State, but it's just not the same. However, events of the last year or so have um...well, let's say it's changed the tenor of the Battle for the Golden Egg. Just a bit. Now, LSU travels to Starkville, and that's creating some conflicted feelings among the Rebel faithful. Jim Lohmar of RCR helps us explain.

1. Now, for starters, would you care to explain your feelings towards LSU?

Our feelings toward LSU are mixed. When Mississippi State loses, or wins, their fans are insufferable. When LSU loses, their fans are still fantastic people to be around. When LSU wins, their fans are terrifying. Our feelings toward LSU are that of the older, bigger stepbrother whose father is a raging alcoholic but can still work the grill. That stepbrother HAS ISSUES.

2. And this Saturday night in Starkville, care to give your thoughts on the Tigers' matchup with Mississippi State?

So you mentioned in your pitch for this interview that Ole Miss fans face something like a Sophie's Choice situation, and that's certainly applicable here. State isn't necessarily Ole Miss' son (they are), but more like Ole Miss' troubled, younger dipshit brother. We'll stick up for you as much as we're able, but when you go and drive a front-end loader into the lake, well, that just doesn't really scan. As for LSU, we're personally hoping the Tigers crush CLANGA into the Earth's core by a score of exactly 600-0.

3. And how does that make you feel?

This makes us feel somewhat ambivalent, though not in any real sense that inspires internal reflection. You two go do your thing and we'll see you later in the season. Given the Sophie's Choice context here, we're definitely keeping State, because we need these dweebs to wedgie every week on Twitter. And also Dan Mullen is a giant doofus, whereas Ed Orgeron can probably beat the hell out of us in an ax fight.

4. Would you describe this situation more as a conflict of interest, or a full-on existential crisis?

Neither, really. This situation is a full-on voyeuristic horror show. We're going to watch it happen, swallow it, accept it, and move on to CHAOS TEAM night with Cal out in Berkeley. If a major injury occurs, that'll suck, and we'll mourn with either of you that suffers that fate. Really, we actually kinda wish we could be there with you both, drinking heavily and eating unhealthily. Because you're both hilarious, glorious people to be around. Except when State wins, or loses.

5. Any messages you'd like us to give Steve Robertson if we see him?

SEND JIM A DAMN REVIEW COPY OF FLIM FLAM FOR HELL'S SAKES. HE'S REQUESTED IT TWICE NOW, VIA THE PROPER EMAIL CHANNELS. HOW HARD IS THIS, STEVE? JUST SEND THE DAMN REVIEW COPY AND GET FREE PUBLICITY AT RCR. I'M GOING TO RIP THE THING TO SHREDS BECAUSE IT'S REPORTEDLY AWFUL BUT SEND JIM THE DAMN REVIEW COPY. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE STILL LITIGATING THIS THING.

6. Finally, care to venture a guess as to how this thing will go?

My guess is that LSU will arm wrestle this thing away from State midway through the third quarter and just sit on them for the duration. State can be explosive -- their quarterback can rip off some serious yardage -- but I don't trust any other piece of CLANGA's set right now. Dan Mullen will come out conservative, COACHO will dial up what he always dials up, and that will work well. Derrius Guice could set a school record in this one, especially if Orgeron just feels like pouring it on. That'd be great. If you want a score predication, I'm going 35-14, LSU. GEAUX TIGERS.