We gotta get out while we're young
`Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run...
Last Game: 40-31, LSU (2008)
LSU and Troy have played twice, and both times LSU needed a dramatic fourth quarter comeback to put away the Trojans. We’re all hoping the third time is a charm. How about a nice, boring game in which we get to put in the backups and then, in an odd twist, the starters don’t have to come back in the game to save our collective asses?
On the bright side, LSU has a winning percentage of 1.000 against 47 programs, and Troy is one of them. However, there’s only 12 programs that LSU has a perfect record against that we have played three or more times. Troy has a chance to reach rarified air of one of LSU’s premier punching bags. But damn, they have made us sweat for it.
I’M HERE FOR A GOOD TIME, NOT A LONG TIME
by Paul Crewe
Oh, it was so close. Troy boasts a Jeremiah Jones which is tantalizingly close to Jeremiah Johnson, the Robert Redford film which has bestowed upon the world one of the greatest reaction gifs ever created. We were so close to this, y’all:
But alas, close doesn’t cut it. There were a bevvy of options, and I was tempted to try and pick out the most stereotypical Southern prep school name I could (Clark Quisenberry, in case you were wondering). However, after careful deliberation, the Mingo Selection Committee settled on Tron Folsom. That’s right, Troy has a linebacker named after the second most iconic role of Jeff Bridges’ career. Do you know how bad ass it would have been to have the name Tron in my elementary school? Kids would’ve backed up out of respect for my mad cycle game.
We here at ATVS do not recognize the sequel.
Edit from PodKATT: The opinions expressed by Poseur in the above sentence do not necessarily reflect those of the other members of this site. Tron: Legacy was a fine film. #FlynnLives
by Paul Crewe
TROY (Turkish City): Set in what is modern day Turkey, Troy is where the Trojan War was fought. The Trojan War is the colloquial nickname for a battle for condom supremacy that took place during the Classical era.
TROY (Canadian City): Tiny town on Nova Scotia. It’s located in the very famous country of Canada.
COWBOY TROY (Rapper): He’s a rapper.
LIL’ TROY (Rapper): He’s also a rapper. Son of Cowboy Troy.
PASTOR TROY (Rapper): He’s also a rapper. Pastor of the Son of Cowboy Troy.
TROY AIKMAN (Broadcaster): He’s on television starring alongside Joe Buck in FOX’s Kneel or No Kneel Game Show.
TROY DAVIS (Running Back): He was a Heisman Finalist from Iowa State.
TROY DAVIS: (Dad): That’s my dad. He is not a former Heisman Finalist Running Back.
Greedy Williams. Greedy’s third pick of the season was so close to a pick six, which certainly would have helped his case. He has admitted this error, and agreed to rectify the situation on his next interception. This is a man who plans ahead.
Derrius Guice. Guice has not gotten off to the start he would have liked on the football field thanks to a series of injuries, but we here at ATVS salute his twitter skills which are award worthy. He’s out there throwing body blows, just a few days after asking for your favorite Forrest Gump quotes. I’m glad you asked, Derrius.
HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
by Paul Crewe
Familiarize yourself with some of Troy’s biggest playmakers or hey, Paul makes use of fast food similes.
Brandon “Long John” Silvers
He’s the fast food of QBs. 66% and nearly 1,100 yards of passing through 4 games looks pretty great on the menu, but those 2 INTS and 7.0 Y/A are gonna give you diarrhea later.
Jordan “Big Mac” Chunn
Chunn rushed for 1,200+ yards and 16 TDs last year, so you know he at least brings something to the table. At 6’1”, 235, he’s a meaty fellow and he truly brings the special sauce to Troy’s offense. Also, it will give you diarrhea later.
Kris “Dairy Queen” Weatherspoon
Weatherspoon leads the team in INTs. His surname actually comes from the founding fathers of Dairy Queen, who believed you’d need your utensil properly frozen before it could delight in their chilled delicacies. Also, they will give you diarrhea later.
That is Troy’s coach. All guys named Neal look the same. You can’t prove me wrong.
by Christina Stephens
Before we get into Troy’s uniforms this week, let’s pause for a moment to talk about the Elephant in the Room. Some people at ATVS like the white helmet-white pant combo LSU will wear on Saturday. Those people are tragically wrong.
As a strong believer in classic, fail-proof looks, I am never happier than when LSU rocks its white jersey/gold pants combo. Like a perfectly tailored suit or the catch-all Little Black Dress, LSU’s classic look is both timeliness and seasonless.
Plus those white helmets are a poor imitation of the signature LSU gold helmet. (Though I do like the purple lettering on the helmet and the old-school LSU “L” on the hip.) Overall, LSU’s alternate uniform this week is too much white, not enough gold, if you ask me. (And ATVS may be regretting that it did.)
Speaking of terrible helmets, the Troy Trojans will don Lady Gaga-esque “chrome domes” as their Instagram so ineloquently put it, when the travel to Baton Rouge. Mirrored balls as helmets are a gaudy touch to any uniform and could detract from a very basic red pant/white jersey combo that the Trojans will wear Saturday. The white will be a stark contrast to LSU’s purple jerseys for this game. (I’m a fan of the all-gray ensembles Troy wore last week.)
Hopefully, the drama will be confined to uniform choices and LSU will dispense with Troy like a football team that has a fair bit to prove. (Because, right now, it does.)
As style icon Coco Chanel noted, “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take at least one thing off.”
Those silver monstrosities are the shiny touch that the Trojans should leave at home.
P.S. Don’t @ me Monsters, I love Lady Gaga’s fashion forwardness, though less so when it invades the players’ uniforms.
Poseur’s Random Old Man 10+1
Again, the rules: I take out my old iPod classic, set it to shuffle all songs, then I press play. No cheating to look cool. These are the actual results, then put into a Spotify playlist.
After last week, in which my trusty iPod tried to cheer me up, I was hoping for more of the same. But it seems Guy (named after the bassist in Fugazi) is still experiencing a hangover from the Syracuse game.
He starts off whiny and depressed and then moves straight into nihilism. OK, the Minutemen never fail to cheer me up, but it still suggests swinging to extremes, and then bam…. We’re back on the losing streak theme. Followed up by a lot of injury complaints. Come on, guy. Help a brother out.
The mix takes a nice diversion, even if “I Was Married” suggests a break up and even more depression, but then the iPod goes back to cautioning us all to chill out. There’s the Guy from last week, if only for one song, then he’s back to nihilism in a big way, and then a total lack of enthusiasm for this week’s game. At least he closes with a song with a chorus that is “Do It.” Then again, I’m not sure that’s meant as a posivie.
This week’s theme: everything is awful and we’re all going to die. Thanks for nothing, Guy.
A CLOCKWORK ORANGE FILM STUDY
by Paul Crewe
Troy runs a very similar scheme to Syracuse. I’ve done an extensive film study to identify some tendencies to help you all prepare for game watching on Saturday. Remember, BGP is the most in-depth preview on this side of the internet. Here’s some major things to keep an eye on:
X crossing Y bubble trap slant screen pass double trips
Troy’s favorite play and they will run it to the power or field side, depending on the misalignment of the nickel when the defense substitutes. Neal Brown likes to go to this play from his own 35 yard line to the opponent’s 27 yard line but film study shows he doesn’t believe it’s a scoring play. Look for Aranda to counter with a Robber defense and soft coverage on slot to help balance the run action confusion generated by Troy’s quick snap tendencies on the overloaded side.
Down Up Down Up Right Left Right A B Select
No one has yet figured out why Neal Brown keeps mashing buttons on an original Nintendo controller on the sideline, but it seems to be working to the tune of 36 tries and 943 hidden yards.
Right 36 Power
This is a simple running play.
An anonymous CBS Sports employee gives his thoughts on the Tigers, as dictated to Poseur.
LSU will lose this game in the final minutes. The past two times these teams have met, the defending champion LSU Tigers needed a miracle comeback to win. Well, this LSU team is no defending champion. So, we have the usual Troy but a much worse LSU team than usual, not that LSU is ever any good even when it wins the title, and you have the perfect recipe for an upset.
LSU is mentally weak, the fans are terrible, and this Mike isn’t even as good as the last one. He won’t come to games? What a millennial tiger. Soft, like everyone in his generation. The moment something bad happens, this team will give up. They won’t come back like they used to because Miles isn’t there to get lucky anymore.
CLASH O THE TITANS
by Paul Crewe
Hades: “I am a God! I will live forever!”
Perseus: “...But not here.”
Let’s make one thing perfectly clear: this is no longer a business arrangement. You’ve tried to renege on your part of the deal twice now. And really, I appreciate you trying to get some shine from playing well against upper tier opponents. Years ago we’d be content to accept a solid half of effort only for you to lay down and taking your paid for penance. But not now. No, we have something to say. A point to prove. Try as you might to play spoiler, this will be your reckoning. Your gods be damned, we will slay you.