clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

BIG. GAME. PREVIEW. 2017: LSU vs. CHATTANOOGA

Mama put my guns in the ground

I can’t shoot them anymore

That cold black cloud is comin’ down

Feels like I’m moc’in on football’s door

Moc moc moc’in on football’s door...


Series History

by Poseur

Record: 1-0, LSU
Last Game: 26-19, LSU (1954)

The last time LSU faced off against the Mocs, Gaynell Tinsley was the LSU coach. It was the last year of his tenure, and perhaps the worst stretch of LSU football until He Who Shall Not Be Named began his reign of terror. In the style of Tinsley’s not-so esteemed career, the Tigers struggled to put away a “Non-Major” team, as they were designated back then, before we cared about people’s feelings.

Outside of a win against Florida, it was LSU’s biggest margin of victory that season. You can always count on Florida. I sincerely doubt this year’s game will be anywhere near as close, but at least the Mocs have something to shoot for.


Orgeron, Son of Long

Pretty Man

What’s your name? What do you want it to be?

Poseur’s Random Old Man 10+1

The trusty iPod Classic is in a chill mood this week, not wanting anybody to get too high. Sure, it’s an LSU football game, but it’s a long season, and it’s time to pace yourself. Don’t waste all of your energy on this one. Instead, sit back with a beer and listen to some Dawes and Patterson Hood. Get nostalgic for high school, and keep repeating the Squeeze and Peter Gabriel songs.

But mainly, listen to Ian MacKaye be calm and quiet with the Evens and remind yourself that even Fugazi’s frontman slowed down once he got old. It’s okay to take this one easy, maybe dig into the Dirty Projectors some more. Or, if all else fails, you still got some Wayne Kramer on here. But don’t go too crazy.

Feel free to post your own random top tens. Put your preferred music device on shuffle and hit play. No skipping, no trying to look cool. What you get is what you get.


by Paul Crewe

Familiarize yourself with some of Chattanooga’s biggest playmakers. (or what happens when you google image search some of their players)

Nick Tiano

Their starting QB. Appears to be an underwear model of some renown. 10/10 looks better without pads than with them. The Mississippi State transfer completed 23/43 passes in their opener, which is a decidedly Mississippi State passing line.

Just wait till we get our Hanes on you.

Richardre Bagley

Bagley is a multi-purpose threat as a runner, receiver and kick returner. He exists only inside a television, which makes him something like Samara but unable to escape and terrorize. Also, if no one is calling him Richardre 3000, they have really fucked up.

Tavon Lawson

Recorded 10 tackles in Week 1. Apparently also a host of some type of television program about “Playoffs.” You can’t wear a suit to a football game, buddy.

Hawk Shrider

You may question their strategy, but Chattanooga has the digital game on lock and as we all know, Digital is the future. I’m not sure if he counts for one or two men on the field, but he accounted for 4 tackles and 1 TFL in Week 1, or, they accounted for 2 tackles and .5 TFL.

Tom Arth

Actually their coach, star of the award-winning television series Friday Night Lights, and former member of 98 Degress. Arth has a current petition open to the NCAA to be the league’s first player coach.

Will still be the 2nd most handsome man on the field, Saturday.

Suck it, Tom.

OOTD: Chattanooga Edition

by Christian Stephens (@CEStephens)

As several UTC fans mocsplained to me on Twitter, the mascot of their school is not actually a mockingjay. This isn’t going to stop the Effie Trinket jokes, though.

Somehow trains are also involved, because sure. Makes me feel like just getting a golden retriever and calling it Moc might’ve been a better option here, but no one asked me. Ride the rails to victory, implores their fight song.

Oh well, ALL ABOARD THE MOCS TRAIN.

The Mocs have a classic navy and gold color scheme, which is a fine choice if you’re not interested in making a bold color statement. Despite their affinity for trains, it appears UTC did not incorporate conductor’s hats into their helmet design, which seems like a lost branding opportunity.

Their uniforms are, you know, uniforms. They’re not a complete MOCSTROSITY, but they’re really nothing to write home about. The Mocs do sometimes seem to wear snazzy undershirts with Chattanooga written all over them, which lends an almost snakeskin effect from afar. This gives the ensemble a certain je ne sais quoi, though it seems unlikely that the balmy Baton Rouge weather will necessitate undershirts on Saturday. (I’d wear them for the sake of fashion.)

Their logo attempts to make the mockingbird look fierce, which is adorable. It’s going to take more than the courage, valor and skill mockingbirds allegedly possess to compete with LSU on Saturday.

May the odds be ever in their favor, right?


The Mingo

Poseur picks the best name on the opposing roster

We’re sad to see BYU go. The Cougars gave us a pool of candidates almost too deep to sort through, it’s blessings were so great. Now, we’re back to reality and a fairly mundane Mocs roster. We’re talking about a team that has two guys with the last name of Johnson, two more with Parker or Ross, four named Davis, and four more Jones. Not exactly a shooting gallery here.

So our winner here is Bingo Morton. And that’s not a nickname. His full name, according to the media guide, is DeVaughn Bingo Morton, Jr. I like the idea of a guy so badass, he can get people to call him Bingo.


DA FUQ IS A MOC

by Paul Crewe

/clicks link for “moccasin”

We playin’ fucking shoes this week? Well then, how’s this for trash talk. Here’s an exhaustive list of shoes:

  1. Classic Black High Heels
  2. Converse Chuck Taylors
  3. Most every style of Nike
  4. Flip Flops
  5. Orthopedic Shoes
  6. Every other god damned shoe
  7. Moccasins

Ok, I kid. Clearly no self-respecting school would select a pair of leather bound shoes as a Mascot. Clearly... clearly they went with the venomous, snake.

Nope. That’s a fuckin’ bird driving a choo choo. So “Moc” is a slang term for a bird driving a fuckin’ choo choo? This is like a child’s toy. Poseur’s kids watch this shit on Saturday mornings. This is Billy’s daughter’s 3rd favorite television program. PodKatt puts this on when Australian rules football wraps up for the evening.

While we’re at it, can we stop with the bastardized slang versions of real words?


Award Watch

by Poseur

Derrius Guice. 122 yards ranks him 33rd in the nation in rushing yards per game. The 2 TD helps, but he needs to up the game. Saquon Barkley gained 50 more yards on half as many carries. Guice responded as one would expect, by cancelling all of his social media accounts to focus on football. Oh, it’s on.

Ed Paris. 3 pass break-ups rank 5th in the country. Clearly, we need to expand the Thorpe Award Watch List. DBU! DBU!

Arden Key. Still giving everyone a head start, It’s only fair.


We Tailgatin’?

by Paul Crewe

Saturday marks the first home game of the 2017 season and, of course, an opportunity to bust out the smokers, grills, kegs, trailers, camping chairs, tents and all the other fun shit that comes with a tailgate. What’s a game preview without a quality list of game-ready recipes for this weekend?

Superfood Black Bean & Quinoa Salad

I’ve made this salad for every tailgate I’ve ever attended and let me tell that it’s always a showstopper. Put this up against any dish you can imagine and I guarantee you will hear the oohs and ahhs from Tiger Bend road on this one.

Smoked Seitan

Our friends over at One Green Planet (hi, guys!) cooked up this delightful smoked near-meat concoction that’s actually better than the real thing. I’m never eating meat again, guys. All hail, Seitan!

Wow, look at that delicious sandwich on a whole wheat bun.

Baba Ghanouj

A true tailgating classic! I couldn’t offer up a list without a true staple and baba ghanouj is something you will find at nearly every tailgate on Saturday. No recipe provided because everyone kinda has their own spin on it. The basic is just eggplant, lemon, garlic, tahini and salt. But feel free to experiment!


As dictated to Poseur by an anonymous CBS Sports employee

Sure, LSU is going to win this game, but it is shameful it is even being played. How dare LSU schedule an FCS team for a free win? Know who doesn’t ever play FCS teams? Notre Dame, that’s who. That’s a real program that does things the right way. Not like these purple-clad crazies on the bayou who are scared of even the slightest bit of competition.

It’s not like LSU couldn’t find a team in FBS to play. Keep that money in-state! LSU could just as easily have scheduled UL-Monroe or Tulane, notching an easy victory over a vastly outmatched foe, but at least it would be an FBS team. And changing the C to a B magically makes the team so much better. Why, it’s not a body bag game if you get to annihilate Tulane. Then it’s just good plain fun. I thought LSU liked fun? Well, I guess we can both see they do not.


You live in a land governed by the rule of law.
tick tick
You have morals and values and principles that guide your day-to-day decisions.

tick tick tick

You pray to a god. You kiss your partner. You hug your child.

tick tick tick tick

You live a quiet, mundane, happy life with minimal disruptions. There is sunshine. There are puppies.

tick tick tick tick tick

But you can hear it... coming in the distance. Disquiet grows. You rhythmically drum your fingertips on the tabletop back and forth... forefinger to pinky... forefinger to pinky... forefinger to pinky. The sweating glass of water on your table ripples.

That ain’t no T-Rex, baby. The Tigahs are comin’ and we’re shrouded by demons. That violent screeching in your eardrums isn’t remnants of a nightmare past but echoes of torment future. You’ve been lied to. You cannot run. You cannot hide. There is nowhere to go.

Saturday Night, you will walk into Death Valley. You will stare into the eyes of a formless, soulless beast whose goal is to maim and outcome to devour. This is your day of reckoning.

We are the wrath of God. Who else is with us?