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I hate your damn cargo shorts

For too long, the menfolk of the LSU Fandom have been given a pass when it comes to Game Day fashion, most likely because they typically don’t wear animal print, so it’s hard for them to wear the wrong one. And most sports apparel is made for men, so their purples are always correct. And they don’t have to worry about wearing heels, like, ever.

But not today, my friends. Today we are going to talk about a serious problem in Men’s Game Day Fashion.

This being Florida week, you’re expecting me to write about Jorts. Jorts are undeniably the sludge at the bottom of the Game Day Fashion bayou, but you don’t need me to tell you that.

No, there is real problem in Dude Game Day Attire, lurking in the Shade by the Inspiring Halls, beneath the tailgate tents, clothing a dude who plays cornhole too competitively and judges your craft beer selection.

I hate your cargo shorts.

I hate their infinite shades of khaki-y, olive-y, brown-y mehness. I hate those flat-but-not-flat pockets that sit on your thighs. I hate how cargo shorts rarely fit correctly, how as soon as you put cargo in the cargo pocket of your cargo shorts, they begin to slip down, giving you yet another reason to adjust yourselves. (Y’all don’t need any more reasons to adjust yourselves.)

I hate that someone somewhere probably calls them carGEAUX shorts. And I hate that cargo shorts don’t seem to have any shape to them, that they’re either too short or much too long. I hate that your legs usually look like toothpicks jutting out of the bottom of the shorts.

I hate that some cargo shorts have a drawstring waist. I also hate the cargo shorts with extra thick belt loops. I hate the faux exaggerated “utility” seams. I hate the Velcro strips on the pockets, like they’re your first pair of big boy pants. (We’re all so proud that you dressed yourself and everything.)

And I really, really hate cargo shorts with extraneous hammer loops, usually donned by the dudes least likely to ever have wielded a hammer in their lives. This is a tailgate, not a construction site.

Look at you, all business with your bottle opener and your flip flops, carrying your precious cargo in absurd pockets located in the place where no one wants to carry extra weight, which you don’t even care about because you’re a dude and no one ever judges how wide your hips are anyway.

You are at a tailgate, drinking a beer, grilling something, not living off of the land in the wilderness or building a new civilization. You are not Bear Grylls. WHERE IS YOUR HAMMER, CARGO SHORT MAN?

Let me be abundantly clear: I don’t care if you really like cargo shorts, if cargo shorts are the most comfortable shorts in the world, if you really have a bit of cargo to ferry around on your thighs.

I hate your cargo shorts.

And don’t you dare tell me that Cargo Shorts are your Man Purses because WE ALL KNOW that only clear purses are allowed in Tiger Stadium. So, either install clear pockets on your cargo shorts, bro, or put on actual pants.

I, too, once owned cargo pants, but I’m pretty sure the year was 1999. We did a lot of things in the late 90s and early aughts that a lot of us aren’t proud of (remember those shiny, shiny shirts?), but we’ve grown since then. Except for you dudes in your cargo shorts, wearing a tee shirt and an open button down on top, right? You’re the Cool Dads, aren’t you? You won’t be confined to Dri Fit polos like the rest of the sheep.

In conclusion:

::extreme Cher from Clueless voice::

So, okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don’t get how LSU dudes dress today.

I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of Kohl’s and put on some baggy cargo pants and take their most faded LSU shirts – ew – and then pair it all with a not-so-ironic Hawaiian shirt and we’re expected to swoon?

I don’t think so!