Playin “Nice” — Roll Bama Roll

Has Nick Saban considered that Alabama students don’t want to stick around because nobody wants to watch a video game played on Freshman-level difficulty?

Some would say that since we are already playing a bunch of freshmen, that shouldn’t matter. Ultimately, our fans are just getting a bit spoiled. Complacency does set in when your expectations are that high every season. Kicking woes aside, there have been few surprises.

The athletic director, Greg Byrne, is actively trying to schedule some better competition. However, it takes time, and who knew that Florida State and Louisville would completely crash and burn from the time we signed to play and the actual games? An unlucky break for Francois and a different draft grade for Lamar Alexander, and even if those games don’t change, the season and strength of schedule hold up. That’s what we play in the SEC for, right?

Can we talk about Price McGiffert Jr.? Was Bradley McBama Bangs a little too on the nose for central casting?

Bama Bangs are still a thing, sadly. A cursory glance at any team’s roster will give you a few chuckles here and there, along the lines of Key and Peele. Maybe our influx of Hawai’ian talent will give this generation of young Alabama parents new names they can latch onto. Assuming, of course, that we can get beyond the language barrier.

So how did Nick celebrate last year’s championship? Another eyebrow tuck? Second facelift? More teeth whitening?

Debbie Cakes and turkey salads. It really comes down to whatever Miss Terry allows him to have. Cosmetic surgery isn’t really a Saban thing, though. Killing infants and bathing in their blood has proven to be more effective, and should keep Our Dark Lord in tip-top shape until we have perfected the transfer of his consciousness to the SabanBot 2100.

So Tua has 25 touchdown passes already this season, but how many does Alabama claim at this point? 35? 40?

Being honest, there have been about three or four additional touchdowns that he has thrown, that have been called back for penalties. If we applied that same logic, we would also have to count the surefire interceptions that defenders dropped. That’s the double-edged sword of the “claimed titles” arguments, such as UCF attempted last season. Colley proclaimed UCF the champs, but that would retroactively give Bama the 2016 title despite the last-second loss to Clemson. However you want to count them, five out of nine is about as unreal to contemplate as 25 touchdowns without a pick.