Kansas, Let Us Tell You About Your New Coach

So, Kansas. We hear you’re going to make things official with our guy Les Miles. (Yes, he will always be Our Guy.)

Since we were his most significant relationship, we wanted you to know a few things about the best, second most winningest, lovable, infuriating-as-hell coach we’ve ever had.

Things started out pretty well — his first game got moved because of a hurricane and he somehow managed to pull it out and, hoo boy, did we all need a win at that moment. He won us over early. We had a hot one on our hands. He loved us. He’d never lie to us like some Little Debbie Lovers we know.

And win we did! Les won 114 times with us! Les won more games with us than you’ve won in a real hell of a long time!

Things got super serious pretty quickly. One year he got us a crystal football. It was so great, they don’t make them anymore. And the last guy who had given us one dumped us for an Older Team and then came back from our super annoying neighbor with really shiny hair and a perfect body who we all know will become mortal any day now. (Any day now, right?)

But back to Les. He is such a great guy! You’re going to LOVE him.

For starters, he never forgets a holiday, not even the little ones, like Columbus Day.

He has a lot of Dad Humor. Like, he’s going to tell the server at the restaurant bad jokes, so just smile and nod.

He is so loyal. It felt like we were the only team in the world. Everyone thought he was going to dump us for his College Love Michigan, but he ended that real quick.

Yeah he used to make us feel daaaaamn stroooong alright.

And then things just, kind hit a rhythm and things were fine and THEN we had just the MOST PERFECT YEAR ever. We even showed up our ex with everyone watching! It was EPIC.

Les was just so great and we were, admittedly, super excited that tonight might be The Night that he got us another Crystal Football ... and then, I don’t really know what happened next but, man, things did not go our way and it’s like he didn’t even try, you know?

We were all watching and he just stood there and did nothing and to this day none of us truly understand why Les would let that happen without at least trying to put in Jarrett Lee. This haunts those of us who acknowledge that it happened. (Some people blacked out this dark time for our relationship because our therapists said that the only way to move forward together was to forget about the past.)

Because here is the thing: Les is stubborn. He’s gonna do it the Les Miles way, he’s gonna walk around eating grass and clapping like someone who’s never clapped before. That Hat. He will wear it everywhere.

And DAMN will he have your back. That man is the LOYALEST crazy guy we ever met.

When you’re choosing to be with a guy who people invite places because Who Knows What Crazy Les Will Do Tonight, you just have to strap in and hold on.

And that’s fine when he is winning! You’re like, “Les, you crazy magnificent jerk, how did you manage to win a game after regulation? Where’d you learn that Trick Play? Tell us more about why you eat the grass?” (No really, we are worried it might be affecting your decision making.)

But, hoo boy, has that man even SEEN a clock? He operates on Les Time and it is rough because even when there is a HUGE CLOCK there, it’s like he doesn’t acknowledge it? We’re not even sure that he acknowledges time as a thing at all.

He might live in his own world. No one is really sure but sometimes it felt like he was legitimately trying to give us a heart attack. Why would you do that to someone you loved? Sometimes you don’t want to have close games. They’re exciting and all, but couldn’t we just ... win the normal way, please? I mean are we allowed to have manicures? Must we bite our nails until they’re bloody every week? Should I have to take heart pills when I’m in my 20s?

Breaking up was hard. Our guy Joe was going to do it, he’s in charge of doing the hard stuff while the rest of us have fun. But he just screwed that one up badly, talked about Les behind his back and was kind of a jerk to him.

Then suddenly we didn’t want to break up with Les anymore! He’s adorable and sweet and loyal to a fault and it was hard to imagine him not being around. There is still good here, Joe, we yelled as we carried Les off of the field after he beat Texas A&M (which isn’t hard).

And for a little while we thought things would be okay, but Les hadn’t changed at all in the off-season and it was embarrassing. Like, we lost to our ex’s gross cousin and NO WAY COULD WE HAVE THAT. Loving someone is one thing, but losing to freaking Auburn and Alabama in the same damn year is another. LES WAS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. He knew we were unhappy. We didn’t feel like a damn strong football team anymore.

And after we broke up? He was just the nicest. Always telling everyone how great we are, staying real close by in case we needed him. Honestly, some of us miss him even though we KNOW it just wasn’t working anymore.

God, even talking about him now, we feel like maybe we didn’t deserve someone who looked at us with such warmth and admiration even after we dumped him in the middle of the season like that.

Now we’re with a guy from around here who has his quirks but has been pretty ... surprising ... lately.

Anywho, be nice to our ex Les. He’s just the nicest, unintentionally funniest, most entertaining, loyal, weirdest and deeply frustrating coach we know.

And if he wants to coach again, we want him to be happy. Even if it’s with a team that isn’t even close to being as pretty (and awesome) as we are. (Honestly, who is.)

Honey, have fun with him, but remember ... he was with us for a long time. He gave us his first National Championship and, well, you never forget the first time.

Rock chalk, buy a clock, y’all.