As Thanksgiving is upon us and many of you will, naturally, make a huge mistake as you cook your meals, ruining one of the most beloved dishes at this holiday table. (And, no, I’m not talking about the morons who deep fry a frozen turkey. That’s just natural selection.)
There’s something much more nefarious lurking in your turkey day spreads, among the green beans swimming in canned soup and the stuffing that I surely hope you don’t serve directly from the bird with a side of salmonella.
Y’all seriously have to stop putting marshmallows on sweet potato casserole.
Look, if you need to put a sweet topping on your sweet potatoes, you’re in luck, buddy, because a pecan and brown sugar topping compliments mashed sweet potatoes nicely. The pecans add a touch of texture, brown sugar pairs nicely with both nuts and sweet potatoes, and a little extra butter ain’t hurt nobody.
But don’t go pouring dumbass marshmallows all over the top of our Blessed State Vegetable (yes, Louisiana’s state vegetable is the Sweet Potato and not mirliton, which is impressive because I was just sure it was boudin)* and calling it a dang Sweet Potato Casserole** like you’re some kind of kid who needs to be tricked into eating their vegetables.
No one needs to be tricked into tasting the glory of the sweet potato, which is basically a perfect food because it is both sweet and filled with an Elite dose of vitamins.
Sweet Potato Casserole is basically a health food up until the point that you saturate it with saccharine tar that you’ve set on fire. If someone finds incinerated marshmallows improve upon your mashed sweet potatoes then, honey, maybe the problem is you.
What do marshmallows even bring to the table flavor wise? What do they even taste like?
There is a 100 percent chance that you’re using popular gross mass-produced bombs of sweet mush that somehow end up either partially charred or barely toasted after being shoved in an overworked oven alongside four other dishes that have to be heated minutes before the turkey is served.
Bite into one of these and you’ll either be met with a texture similar to (I imagine) eating singed fiberglass insulation or, alternately, BOILING HOT LAVA.
There is no in between.
You have a whole Thanksgiving meal, plus seconds and desserts to devour, and your dumb-as-dirt self is going to risk destroying your taste buds on a cloyingly sweet mouthful of molten goo rejected from the first Ghostbusters movie that will likely overpower the flavor of any mashed sweet potato you might encounter?
Are you deranged?
Who is sitting around thinking that their mashed sweet potatoes need a dash of boiled high fructose corn syrup to really take them over the edge?
“Ah, yes, a soupçon of vaguely unidentifiable sugary gunk, just what this side dish needed.”
Some people (sometimes in my family) make half marshmallow-topped and half pecan-topped sweet potato casserole, a compromise that appeals to the weakest among us with the worst palates. (I saw one of those Food Videos on Facebook where you ruin a delicious pecan topping for the casserole by also covering it with Jet Puft marshmallows the side of a small fist and what are you people even doing. I might move to Canada.)
Don’t be one of those people.
In conclusion, eat what you want this Thanksgiving, unless it is Marshmallow Topped Sweet Potato Casserole.
You’re better than that.
*Y’all how is the state drink of Louisiana milk?
**Do not put Peeps on your Sweet Potato Casserole either.