FanPost

Rebuttal: Chocolate King Cake is Trash.

You have to make a lot of choices for your king cake: what kind of filling do I want? Do I hate myself and want chocolate filling, which will clash bitterly with the cinnamon and make the dough soggy? Or, instead, am I a classy elegant lady who is very busy and important, who prefers strawberry cream cheese king cakes?

What kind of dough do I prefer? What kind of icing? There's a lot of potential pitfalls you can tumble into, i.e. into a hole for losers where the dirt looks like the chocolate filling of a disgusting chocolate-filled king cake.

Fillings:

1) Strawberry cream cheese king cake. Hands down no question the best. Will fight over pieces of this. Have scratches and cuts to prove it.
2) Praeline cream cheese king cake. I had this once at an engagement party and have never found one ever again, it was like the Big Foot of king cakes. I dream about it.
3) Plain cream cheese king cake. Just a solid standard, perfected.
4) Bavarian cream or chantilly king cakes. They are never as good as you hope. Just get cream cheese instead.

99) Boudin king cake. Not worth it. Wait until some innovator makes this better in the upcoming years.
100) Chocolate king cake. HATE THIS. DO NOT WANT.
101) Plain king cake. It is the dumbest waste of calories.

Dough:

This is a big controversy among my circle of acquaintances.
1) You got your Meche’s donut style king cakes. I am not a fan, IDK why I just do not enjoy the poofiness. King cake should be a pastry, not bread with icing and no cinnamon inside.

Donut style king cake

Eh.

2) Then you got your tradish folded pastry style king cake. I prefer this, really. Not too breadish, good ratio of pastry to filling to icing and sugar. Plus it has the cinnamon layers in the interior, which is what you want.

Traditional folded pastry

Yes.

3) Then you got your real flat sort of filled ones, a la Keller’s in Lafayette. I’m ok with this, you get plenty of filling, maybe not enough pastry though. I'm not gonna like, NOT EAT IT, but not my preference.

Flat style

Maybe. On a rainy day.

Icing.

Then you gotta pick your icing style.

1) Mardi Gras colored icing, no sprinkles or sugars? NO. UNACCEPTABLE.
2) White icing glaze with colored sugars. YES. ONE THOUSAND TIMES, YES.
3) Clear glaze with sprinkles. …..maybe. Depends on if the rest of the cake is tempting enough.

Baby?

Baby in or Baby out? I go baby out, and really I don’t need any of that jazz with including the Mardi Gras beads and dubloons in the packages. Keep it. I’m not in this for the baby and the traditional king cake hullabaloo, I’m in this for the sugar.

So to sum up, the perfect king cake is: traditional folded pastry with interior cinnamon layers, strawberry cream cheese filling, white icing with colored sugar, and no baby nonsense.