Would You Marry an Alabama fan? Analyzing the Dating Dealbreakers for LSU Fans

This week’s viral football sensation — the cunning LSU bride who slipped purple and gold cake layers into her Alabama fan husband’s groom cake — has us single LSU fans asking ourselves the really important question: Would you marry an Alabama fan? Someone from Ole Miss or Auburn? Anyone from another SEC fan base?

Is outside the SEC West allowed? Do Vandy or Tennessee or Kentucky even count? Would the union of two feuding fanbases Just Mean More?

Once you get beyond the obvious drawbacks of dating outside your fandom, like someone possibly yelling Roll Tide at your wedding or a confusing discussion about how a landshark isn’t actually A Thing with your future children (to say nothing of assorted Auburn animals), there are some inherent advantages. You’d never have to explain why you’ve poured a drink at 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning in the Fall, for example. You know your wedding won’t conflict with anyone’s games and your significant other likely won’t judge your superstitious nature, as they’ll have their own.

Given that there are some potential positives to SEC relations (brownchickenbrowncow), I couldn’t help but wonder …what are the actual dealbreakers for dating as an LSU fan?

Member of the underbelly of the Internet.

What if you found out about your significant other’s shady secret online life as a poster on Tigerdroppings? The horror of loving someone who is leading a secret double life as major contributor to the sludge-filled bottom of the LSU online universe would be almost too much to bear. Also: Do you have a Saturdays Are For the Boys anything? #eyeroll

Bad at tailgating.

We don’t expect a trailer full of tailgating tents or produce custom tailgating t-shirts, but you can’t date an LSU fan if you can’t make nice and enjoy yourself among the stately oaks and broad magnolias. To be good at tailgating you have to have a laid-back demeanor, a MacGyver-like ability to fix sagging tents, the knowledge of appropriate tailgate snacks (your actual fingers will stay far from mine if you show up to a tailgate with Zaxby’s) and, most importantly, an ability to hold your drink. This does not mean that you down three bourbons in the first 10 minutes of the tailgate. Quite the opposite, actually. Good tailgaters find their happy place of enjoyably buzzed and stay there. If I wanted to take care of a drooling, stumbling crybaby who is too sick to walk into the stadium of his own volition, I would have an actual baby, not an overgrown manchild.

Leaves the games early.

Excuse me, people of the Fandom. Football games are four quarters and if you’re asking the players to play for a full sixty, you should be willing to stay for the full game. Excepting bad weather (we know it never rains in Tiger Stadium, but sometimes the dew is stiff) and injury or illness, staying until the bitter end is what separates the Marrying Type from the Casual Date. I don’t care if there is traffic. Spoiler alert: we live in Baton Rouge, there will always be traffic. Pack some snacks for the car ride home and enjoy your time together mocking the idiots who call the call-in shows (probably the aforementioned people who post on Tiger Droppings). SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP. There are only so many Saturday Nights in Tiger Stadium a year and me wanting to spend all of them with you is kind of a big deal. If you want to score a touchdown, so to speak, you have to suit up for the full game.

Mansplains Football.

Look, I’m going to make a lot of dumb jokes about Going For It on 4th and 27437038, but you should definitely not explain punting to me in this scenario. Many of us Female LSU Fans watch just as much (or more) football than you do, we read blogs (some of us write for them) and listen to podcasts and wade through dumb Facebook posts. We understand the game, we have opinions of value and that’s not diminished because some us happen to also care about having a cute Gameday Dress and makeup that will last through to the after party.

Doesn’t worship Mike the Tiger.

The other man in my life is a 400-pound Bengal Tiger kitten. And I don’t want to hear any slander about LSU keeping Mike the Tiger on campus. As far as I am concerned, he is basically my pet and he’s just being boarded for a little while. He’s well taken care of and deeply loved and he is probably going to be my iPhone Lock Screen for most of our relationship.

In the end, dating is hard and, honestly, aren’t we all just looking for someone to watch #PAC12AfterDark with following a glorious LSU victory? You don’t have to be a Season Ticket holder to catch an LSU fan, but Mike knows, it probably doesn’t hurt.

Tell us your #LSUDatingDealbreakers, here in the comments or on Twitter.