Fuchsia is Not Purple, You Maroon-Wearing Monsters

Football’s (basically) here and while most of us will spend our Saturdays proudly draped in the majestic colors of our favorite football team, toasting to its miraculous victories (or, quite possibly its hard-fought defeats) some of you will make outfit choices that fly in the face of our tight-knit, Tiger-loving community.

For some reason, a small segment of (inferior) LSU fans show up for game-related events sporting a color that I’d describe as … not quite purple. Maybe it’s a few shades too maroon? A tinge of wine? More than a bit of pink?

Whatever it is, it’s not purple and it’s definitely not gold, which means it is time for another critical public service announcement.

Let’s be very, extremely, exceptionally, crystal clear: Fuchsia is not purple.

Deep wine is also not purple.

Almost maroon? Nope, not purple either.

Navy blue? You have got to be kidding me.

Pink? C’est ne pas violet.

Stop wearing things that aren’t actually purple to LSU games, you Mike the Tiger-offending, Golden Girl-hating, Day Game-liking, Telling People It Rained in Tiger Stadium, Leaving Before the End of the Game monsters.

This isn’t some meaningless sporting event where showing up is enough. This is actual grown up football and y’all need to GET. WITH. THE. PROGRAM.

Seriously, did you wake up one morning and decide, “I’m going to subvert the very symbols of our great and powerful fandom with these basically maroon-colored pants?” Is your sartorial choice of non-LSU colored clothing an attempt to disrupt how we represent ourselves as supporters of team of athletes? Are you having some kind of existential football-based crisis that only off brand outfits will solve?

No? You’re just lazy? That’s what I thought.

Wearing Purple and Gold is a sign of pride for our team, unity against evil (Landsharks, tides) and joy for all that we do together. It’s sharing in love for our Tigers. And it’s knowing the traditions of the damn team you claim to bleed for.

I hope children dressed in mini-LSU cheerleader uniforms call you Tiger Bait. I hope the band goes silent in protest when they march past you.

Some of these alleged “purples” that you folks pull out for LSU-related events are DANGEROUSLY close to maroon, which is just unacceptable. Do you want people to think you associate yourselves with the Aggies or, even worse, that team from Starkville?

That’s not to say that there aren’t stupidly colored fan fashion options for women out there. As I stare upon heaps of “girlie” sports fan clothes, of non-team color gear, of pink shirts and hats, I have a serious question: Who the hell asked for this?

It’s bad enough that I have to drag around a godforsaken ziplock bag on a chain to all sporting events because, of course, my lipstick and tampons are a huge security threat. But to add insult to injury, some of women’s sports fashion is insultingly not team colors and, in many cases, not made for anything resembling a woman’s body. If you’re a size two who does mind pale pink, you’ll be okay. But the breadth of sports apparel that is insultingly gendered is maddening.

I digress.

This is the 125th year that LSU has used the colors purple and gold to represent its sports teams. If you can’t find a shirt or dress or pants that is ACTUALLY purple and not, say, a little bit pink, you’re not trying hard enough. We have the ENTIRETY OF THE INTERNET at our fingertips. Send me a DM and I will Google a damn purple shirt for you. Or just wear gold! Mustardy yellow (i.e. LSU Gold) is having a fashion moment right now.

You basically have to TRY to wear not LSU colors right now.

LSU even provides a helpful guide for its official colors, which, again, are purple and gold and not deep magenta and orange.

:: Extreme Miranda Priestly voice ::

Oh, I see. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select ... I don’t know ... that wine-colored top, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the campus that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back on Game Day.

What you don’t know is that top is not just wine, it’s not an LSU color. It’s not purple. It’s actually treasonous. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 1893, the LSU baseball team wore Royal Purple and Old Gold in its first intercollegiate game ever. And the colors were handpicked for that defeat of Tulane. And then later, when LSU played football, Dr. Charles E. Coates purchased ribbon for the team uniforms while Mardi Gras decorations were on sale and they selected purple and gold ribbons to decorate their blah gray jerseys.

And it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that aligns you with LSU’s teams when, in fact, you’re denying years of tradition and spirit by selecting that outfit from a pile of Not LSU stuff.

/end scene

Also: I swear to Mike if I see you at an LSU tailgate in a leopard print top over maroon pants, I reserve the right to dump a drink over your misguided little head. No jury of my LSU peers would convict me.