Knockin’ On Evan’s Door: Miami Hurricanes Football- A History Project by Evan Saacks

The struggle is over. The clouds are parting. No more tears, no more pain, no more despair, no more Saturday afternoon chores.

College football is here.

LSU fans will have to wait one extra day before we can watch Joe Burrow break all of Colt Brennan’s records, but what is an extra day at this point? Even though the return of football is always a joyous occasion, it’s kind of a bummer that LSU doesn’t open this season against a marquee opponent like Oregon or TCU. I mean don’t sleep on a MAC team, but it sucks that- [gets called into ATVS office]

Oh, we’re playing Miami (FL), NOT Miami (OH). Dammit I always get those confused.

The University of Miami (FL) is coming off their best season in years, despite finishing the season on a three-game losing streak that saw them lose The Traveling The to a Pitt. I didn’t think a 4-7 team beating the No. 2 team in the country could be so predictable, but Pitt operates on a different plain of reality. Despite the late-season slump, Mark Richt still has the hype train rolling, with the Canes currently ranked No. 8 in the AP Poll.

Even though I obviously hope LSU wins, it’s nice to see a program with a pretty uneventful history finally get a chance to shine on a big stage- [gets called back into ATVS office].

Oh, wow. So apparently The University of Miami (FL) used to have quite the program. Longtime ATVS readers are aware that I am a very young boy, so it’s time for me to do some research!

One Miami Hurricanes football Wikipedia page read later

Apologies in advance to the “STOP MAKIN’ ME FEEL OLD” crowd, but The University of Miami (FL)’s era of dominance was forever ago. All of the elite players from the Butch Davis era have retired from the NFL, except Frank Gore, who was definitely assembled in a lab.

The University of Miami (FL) is squarely in the conversation of schools that have produced the all-time best NFL talent. USC, Notre Dame and a couple other powerhouses definitely have strong arguments, but it’s impossible to declare an undisputed champion.

What can’t be disputed is that The University of Miami (FL) has produced the LOUDEST crop of NFL players.

Remember how when your football coach wanted the team to get quiet, one guy would yell “EVERYONE SHUT UP!” which would lead to five other guys yelling the same thing, and the time it took for everyone to actually get quiet ended up being eight times longer than if that first guy had just not spoken? Miami football is that sequence in perpetuity.

I still don’t believe that Mark Richt was a Cane. He is the least Miami Hurricane person imaginable. It makes no damn sense. It has to be a myth. Richt was tired of being the soft, nice guy, so he convinced The University of Miami (FL) to go along with it. They obliged, only to guarantee they got a marquee coaching hire.

Richt going to The University of Miami (FL) is like when middle school bullies dare the dorky kid at school to make himself throw up in the middle of the cafeteria, and he does it to prove he’s not a loser. Just like moving to Florida, it doesn’t make you cool, and all you end up with is vomit all over your jorts.

There’s no denying The University of Miami (FL) football players are very good at football. If you consolidated all of them into a single player, he would definitely be the greatest athlete ever. The problem is, he would also have the longest “legal issues” section in his Wikipedia page.

I saw a few weeks ago that Michael Irvin, Jr. was injured for Sunday’s game and wouldn’t be playing. I went to the “Personal life” section of Michael Sr.’s page to read about him, but found the section is comprised ENTIRELY OF LEGAL ISSUES. There is not one mention of his son or family life. Just 790 words of incidents, allegations and settlements split up into 10 (!!!) different grafs. Somehow cocaine is only mentioned once.

Warren Sapp has a “Controversies” section to go along with “Legal troubles” and “Bankruptcy” in his personal section. Both “Legal troubles” were the nights of Super Bowls. I love the fact that he decides to get arrested the night of the biggest sporting event in the word, in the city where it’s taking place.

Ray Lewis turned his 2000 murder trial into a “Test from God.”

Kellen Winslow II is facing a life sentence for crimes too horrific for me to put in here.

I’m aware that every football team has some bad people playing for them, but yikes man. It’s gotta be uncomfortable to bring kids to these games knowing what kind of players they promote, right?

Oh nevermind, looks like that isn’t a problem.

I can’t imagine how it feels to be a major college football program forced to share your stadium with the NFL team. The only cool part would be the loophole the Canes got last year when they were able to play a New Year’s Six game in their home stadium. Could you imagine a game in Tiger Stadium on New Year’s Eve? That would be an out-of-body experience! Yet Miami found a way to squander that golden opportunity by getting shredded by ALEX HORNIBROOK. You would think that would temper expectations for The University of Miami (FL), but apparently their fans forgot everything after Thanksgiving.

Good God that video is hysterical.

He really spent all that time painting that just to put it up on a random Tuesday morning in June when only a few LSU Athletics employees in the parking lot would see it. Put it up in the Quad, or it front of Mike’s cage if you’re really trying to be big and bad. Then we would have at least respected you enough to offer you some boudin.

Despite Miami’s past, Sunday’s game will be a big test for LSU. This a make or break year for the staff, and a win here would have major implications for how good this team will be. It’s also one of the few true primetime college football games where the whole country is watching, so it’s no place to back down. Bring it on, Canes.

Oh, one last thing: Stick Crown > Turnover Chain

A1 Banger of the Week

Miami (the city, not the University in Florida or Ohio) also gave us Pitbull. Do what you will with this information.