Playing “Nice” — College and Mag

1. Would you describe Gus Malzahn’s look as more “substitute chemistry teacher” or “Logan’s Roadhouse manager”?

Honestly, Gus looks like a guy whose wife lays out his outfit options and he just picks something from each one, except his wife is Under Armour and he won’t ever wear anything that he’s lost in again. Gus is way too superstitious to be a science teacher though, so by default of the options available to me, he’s got to be the Logan’s manager.

2. Which Auburn commandment dictates that there has to be some sort of “Cameron” spinoff on the team every year?

Look, $180,000 buys you a lot of Cams and the various offshoots. Nothing will ever compare to the original, and sometimes they change the name around to spice things up, but it’s nice to know that you’re getting more than just one use for your money, ya know? Plus, you guys had Cam Cameron, so that money went to outreach programs for other schools too.

3. Is it weird having “lost to the National Champions in Atlanta” in common with Georgia after last season?

UCF beat Georgia in the Benz too?

4. Any animosity over Tony the Shark impeding on Aubie’s drug-addled gimmick?

I think you may be confusing us with Clemson and their deliriously high mascot 8-Ball the Tiger, but we acknowledge and welcome our new doped up shark friend. You only wish you could party with Drunk Aubie, 8-Ball, and Tony Speed (that’s what his official name is). Also, Tony’s antics over in Oxford just keep the Feds occupied and unaware of what we’re up to in West Georgia.