AHEM — Mike the Tiger here with a very important Public Tiger Announcement.
All y’all need to CHILL.
I mean What The Alabama, guys? All of the sudden you want Me the Tiger to be homeless? Do I need to get a lawyer? Will LSU just supply me with one, just like LSU supplies me with everything else that I need?
They’ve got a petition to evict me from my home, like WHAT DID I DO TO YOU. I’m just the best Tiger around, the most lovable, the most beautiful. Tremendously striped, hugely tailed.
My life is amazing, my caretakers literally shape my food BY PAW into the opposing team’s mascot. MAYBE THIS WEEK I’LL FEAST ON WELL-MEANING, BUT MISINFORMED, PETITION SIGNERS.
The only thing I don’t like about my habitat and life at LSU is THURSDAYS when they make me stay inside so a crew can clean my Outdoor Space for me. BRING ME MY PUMPKINS AT LEAST.
Do you know it is someone’s job to TEND TO MY EVERY WANT? A team just decides, “Hey, Mike looks like he needs some oxtail” and they just give it to me. These people, they are SO OBSESSED with me. It’s the cutest thing.
I have friends who visit me EVERY DAY. I try to show off for them – splash around the pool, stretch so they can see my pretty stripes, pretend like I’m going to stalk and kill them. You know, #TigerStuff.
And you tree-hugging, quinoa loving, let’s go to Goat Yoga and make our own kombucha hippies want to evict me from this comfortable lifestyle? What are you going to do — send me back to an animal preserve like the one Team Ellllessshooo rescued me from being sold? Do you want me sold for parts on the black market?
My life is good and, apparently I’m helping future Big Cat Doctors learn how to care for Mes.
So, let’s put a pin in this Free Mike talk, Marigold and Moon Stone.
I LIKE MY FOUR MILLION DOLLAR CRIB. I haven’t even tried out all the nap spots on the Comfort Rock. I’m still trying to get Will Wade to teach me how to dunk. I haven’t even seen how good the gymnasts are this year. I don’t even know all of the freshpeople’s names. There’s only been ONE home game for people to gaze lovingly upon my splendor.
That is not enough Gazing Lovingly Upon My Splendor.
And, keep this on the downlow, but I wasn’t raised as an Outdoor Cat, if you know what I mean.
I’ve never lived on the streets. I’m super intimidating and all. RAWR.
But I don’t actually eat people. (I do want to, in theory.)
You know who you need to worry about? Auburn’s mascot. I’ve been trying to get in touch with that Tiger for, like, weeks now. I thought we might bond over being Tigers, or that I could at least give him Tiger lessons? But every time I want to talk, he says he can’t FaceTime because the camera on his iPhone doesn’t work.
Y’all. I think I’m talking to a bird. I think I’m being Tigercatfished by a damn pigeon. (Sounds delicious.) Or maybe just a Person In A Furry Suit.
I’ve heard them talk about Plain Men a lot.
I’m WORRIED about Aubie. Is his home as nice as mine? Why is Auburn hiding him from us?
It’s like ... he’s not a real tiger.
Maybe one of the 35,000 of y’all who are trying to SPOIL MIKE THE TIGER’S LOVING LIFE with the people who RESCUED HIM FROM PROBABLE EXPLOITATION should go FIND OUT what Auburn did to its Tiger. I do not trust those Auburn people, I think they set barns on fire. I also hear strange rumors about what they do with dogs. (My people, some of the Best Vet Docs and Future Vet Docs in the world, I trust with my LIFE.)
Meanwhile I’m going to geaux email Nev and Max about this Auburn Tigercatfish situation.
KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF —
P.S. Seriously, you can learn all about Mike the Tiger and his responsible caretakers and home at LSU on the LSU Vet School’s website.