Your Game Day Wedges Want to Kill You

The first home game of the season is upon us and it’s time to talk Game Day safety. Folks may tell you that the stuff in your handbag is dangerous, that all must be able to see its contents at all times, but a foe much bigger than sunglasses and lip gloss lurks amid the Inspiring Halls.

Your five-inch platform wedge heels.

More lethal on Game Day than the LSU defense, scarier than Mike the Tiger swimming up from behind, more surprising than Cole Tracy in his first LSU game, those unwieldy heels so many of you wear will kill your ankles. Seriously, they want you dead.

I get it, you’re a grown-up and you can wear incredibly ill-advised five-inch platform wedges with the world’s thinnest ankle strap if you want. Hashtag Girl Power. They match your burgundy (that is not purple) romper perfectly. It’s fine. You do you.

Except, don’t.

One of these days, and I surely hope it isn’t Saturday, one of you is going to miss a step at the stadium or trip on the (disrespected) roots of a Stately Oak and end up with a gory as hell injury that will make me question the decision to wear heels ever again.

And, yeah, it’s your ankle to break in roughly 125 places, but damn, girl, it’s my eyes that won’t be able to unsee your shattered bones, blood dripping on the rope of your espadrilles, tears on your leopard (that is not tiger stripes) shirt.

And let’s face it, Madison (let’s call you Madison, because it’s probably your name), you might stumble into the game in those heels hobbling like a just-born baby giraffe, propped up by brown liquor and gumption, but you ain’t leaving that way.

I got fifty bucks that you’ll be stumbling down Nicholson or Dalrymple barefoot a few hours later, those wayward wedges in hand, yelling into your cracked-screen iPhone because Chad (it’s always Chad) posted a Snap with another girl, or left you at the game or wouldn’t let you wear his favorite visor. (Or all three, honestly.)

Far be it from me to discourage fashion-forward tailgate outfits. I’m all in for cute Game Day outfits, dresses with pockets, Sailor Mike, earrings that dangle. Slip on sneakers are even having a moment! Athleisure is in!

And, yeah, you could point to the (few) times that you didn’t smash your ankle into a Million Little Pieces, but I promise that none of the battles you’ve won against Gameday Wedges matter, because they will win the war.

I have the battle scars from falling off of platforms completely sober. My left knee bears the scars of a recent wedge debacle in a restaurant parking lot. When it comes to knee scrapes and rolled ankles, Platform Wedges are Undefeated in the Long Run. You’re out here worried about a D2 opponent and they’re playing to win the Championship.

Think of the children. Think of your poor back. Think of thirtysomething you’s creaky knees. Think of people like me who fear blood and splintered bone.

All I am is saying is Give Flats A Chance.