It’s LSU-Florida week, and each year it becomes a better and better idea to stay off Twitter for his week. There have been some... takes... for sure.
like come on y’all. chill. this entire interaction is so unnecessary pic.twitter.com/E88urb9RlA— kennedi landry (@landryyy14) October 8, 2019
The tweet that prompted that avalanche of garbage above came from former Florida tight end C’yontai Lewis, who finished his Florida career as a fifth-year senior last year. He reminded us of a very sad time in the lives of LSU fans: the death of Mike the Tiger VI.
There are only a few images or videos on the internet that bring me IMMEDIATE tears, and this is one of them. Mike the Tiger brought joy to people and is one of the most pure, fun parts of LSU culture. Even knowing there would be another Mike after him, losing Mike really tugged at the heartstrings.
However, Florida players seemed to think a beloved mascot dying from cancer was... funny? Do I have that right?
Ah, of course! Dead animals... That’s freakin’ hilarious! These guys are real George Carlins! This got me thinking, if dead tigers are so funny, what other dead animals do Florida players enjoy seeing? Let’s ask them and find out!
Tim Tebow - Lamb
“Back before our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ died for our sins and saved us from eternal damnation, people used to absolve their sins by offering up a sacrificial lamb. Sometimes when I feel like I don’t appreciate Jesus’ sacrifice enough, I’ll go get a lamb and sacrifice it to remind myself what it was like before Jesus died on the cross for us.”
Brandon Spikes - Dogs
“I don’t necessarily enjoy dogs in pain, I’m not Auburn or anything. I just don’t think they should be able to see.”
Emmitt Smith - Coyotes
“Man, I don’t wanna say I enjoy seeing animals suffer a tragic dying, but I hate when I listen coyotes howlings in my neighborhood at each nighttime. I just wants to rest and snooze but the owooooo of the coyotes just piercings my ears drums. Also what if it snacks on a small children for a dinner snack? It wouldn’t be not great if I didn’t have to have the coyotes howl no more because of the coyotes.”
Steve Spurrier - Tigers
“Look man, I jus’ don’t like Tigers! LSU Tigers, Clemson Tigers, Tony the Tiger, don’t like any of ‘em. I dunno if I’d say I like watchin’ ‘em die, but hey man, if that’s what it takes to clear up my schedule I’m all for it!”
Jim McElwain - Sharks
“I hate hate HAAAATE sharks. I definitely do NOT love sharks. Nuh uh, not this guy. Super duper anti-shark person right here. You like Jaws? Well you’re a freakin’ loser cause it sucks. It’s about a shark. Sharks suck.”
In his fury McElwain accidentally drops his cell phone, showing his lock screen is a picture of a shark with a heart around it, he frantically picks it up and shoves it in his pocket
Riley Cooper - Squirrels
“Man those little bitches are always running around annoying the shit outta me. When I’m drivin’ my Range Rover and I see one on the road I press down on the gas and try to flatten it. There’s no better feeling.”
Joe Haden - Platypus
“Platypuses are lying pieces of shit. I refuse to call them platypi and conform to the pro-platypus agenda. They are just beavers wearing masks. I’m not buying it for a second. It’s ridiculous that people think beavers are weird, but platypuses look cute. That’s like thinking humans are ugly except for Hannibal Lecter.”
Cris Collinsworth - Deer
“Now here’s an animal that’s hard to kill. It’s not always the fastest, but it just gets the job done especially between the trees. They remind me a lot of Wes Welker, just a hard-working, lunchpail-type animal.”
Percy Harvin -
Any animal that gets in his way “If it talks shit, it gets hit.”
Ed. Note: We in the And the Valley Shook Editorial Staff deeply regret any joke made at Mr. Harvin’s expense and apologize for any offense he might have taken from Evan’s joke.
Dan Mullen - Bulldogs (but a different kind)
“Every time I see a bulldog on the street I have a PTSD flashback and hear nothing but cowbells. If it gets too bad I’ll punt it Jack Black-style.”