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LSU has more basketball tradition than most realize, but we do still feel a little new to the bouncyhoops game.
But we’re in the Sweet Sixteen (personally, I prefer savory), and here’s to celebrating the best way I know how as an LSU fan.
A plan to eat each of the remaining 15 teams.
Michigan State Spartans
Look, we all know the Spartans really like to keep things covered up, right? Lots of heavy armor. All that armor’s like a shell, right? Turtle meat. Pry it all off with a sharp knife, then you gotta boil the hell out of it for a few hours, but get a good tomato base and some sherry.
Duke Blue Devils
Really soft, tender meat. Doesn’t hold up to long cooking. Slice it thin and blacken in an iron skillet. But do it outside or you’ll stink up the whole house.
Gonzaga Bulldogs
Cheeks. Definitely the cheeks. Super tender. Probably dice it up for some jambalaya.
North Carolina Tar Heels
Goat is an extremely underrated meat. And they’re typically farmed in a sustainable manner, so you get some extra credit for that.
Kentucky Wildcats
Big in the haunches, so start there. Slice them thin, pound them out and then pan-fry. Maybe make a gravy with the drippings.
Virginia Tech Hokies
Easily the most straight-ahead choice here — deep-fried. But whatever you do, don’t shake it all about. Grease fires kill nearly 500 people every year.
Texas Tech Red Raiders
Skewer, then roast slowly over a spit. Mike Leach will probably lend a sword suitable for this task.
Oregon Ducks
Versatile meat. Lot of options. Goes really well in a gumbo, or roasted with a nice sweet glaze. Big fan of duck confit, as well.
Florida State Seminoles
Just cook the horse instead.
Tennessee Volunteers
Tougher than hell, so you gotta tenderize. I usually go with a fricassee, because fancy words scare Vols and fear helps add depth of flavor.
Houston Cougars
Diced fine and mix with some scrambled eggs for a nice frittata.
Purdue Boilermakers
Great drink.
Virginia Cavaliers
Bread them up and paneé them. It sounds a lot fancier than it is, and they appreciate that.
Michigan Wolverines
Its important to field-dress Wolverines yourself. They sometimes come with a big stick up their ass and you want to make sure you get that out. Roast in a large pot, and toss some sliced sweet potatoes in about halfway through. Cook them over hardwoods, something rich like mahogany.
Auburn Tigers
Best served ice cole’d.
Really gives them a nice kick.