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PREVIOUSLY...ON INTO THE TIGER-VERSE...
ACT IV
Orgeron rips the trash bag off his head to see the smoldering remains of an Arby’s. Several Robocops are taking sledgehammers to the concrete.
ORGERON
That was our base?
D-D
Our base was underneath! Oh God I hope the others made it out of there.
D-D pulls out a flip phone, selects a contact and calls someone as she backs the truck up and begins driving in the other direction.
LANE
(Over phone)
Hey honey, what are you doing?
D-D
I’m on my way home. Did you pick up dinner?
LANE
I just did. Meatballs and lasagna coming right up after I stop by Brad Keaton’s house to drop off some paperwork he left in the office today.
D-D
(Breathing a sigh of relief)
Sounds good. I’ll see you tonight for dinner.
LANE
Sure thing, see you tonight.
D-D prepares to hang up, but then puts the phone close to her mouth.
D-D
(Through gritted teeth)
Don’t ever call me honey again.
D-D hangs up.
ORGERON
What did that all mean??
D-D
Code words. Brad Keaton means Burger King. Ya know, BK?
ORGERON
And meatballs and lasagna is…
D-D
Mike and Les, you’re correct.
ORGERON
How many bases do we have?
D-D
Tough question because it seems like each day another one gets destr-
SCREEEEEECH
D-D and Orgeron both look out ahead where a single Robocop is standing in the middle of the road. He holds a megaphone up to his face and begins speaking. His voice is flat and lifeless.
ROBOCOP
Exit your vehicle and surrender. We need to speak with you regarding your recent actions.
As he speaks, several police cars park along the sides of the road. More Robocops exit and draw weapons.
Orgeron turns to D-D, who is leaning her head against her window with a frown on her face.
ORGERON
What do we do?
D-D responds without turning to face Orgeron.
D-D
You have your seatbelt on, Big Shot?
ORGERON
Of course.
D-D clicks her seatbelt on and pulls out a CD.
D-D
Good, because we’re about to show these Robocops how we like to drive in Baton Rouge.
D-D inserts the disc into the CD player and presses the volume button to mute it. The Robocops begin approaching. The truck remains motionless. D-D is looking at the stereo display intently.
ORGERON
What are we doing?
D-D
Waiting...
ORGERON
For what?!
D-D
The right moment…
The stereo display shows the CD has begun playing. Each second of the first track ticks by on the counter, but the sound is still muted.
Outside the Robocops inch closer, each one raising their weapon, pointing it at the windshield. Orgeron frantically urges D-D to do something, but her gaze is focused on the counter.
D-D
17… 18… 19…
ORGERON
They’re gonna kill us! D-D! What’s the plan???
D-D
20...21...22...
ORGERON
We can’t just sit here! We will DIE!!
D-D
23… 24… 25…
ORGERON
D-D!!!
D-D
NOW!
D-D punches the mute button and spins the volume dial all the way up in one swift move. The SUV vibrates violently as the music blasts through the speakers.
D-D slams her foot on the pedal. Sparks fly as the tires spin violently against the pavement, catapulting the Escalade forward, plowing over the Robocops in its path. D-D turns on the windshield wipers to clear the chunks of metal flying in all directions. Those clear of the truck’s path fire their guns at it, but the bullets ricochet off as it speeds away from the robots.
ORGERON
(Trying to shout over the music)
SO PEOPLE STILL USE CDS IN YOUR UNIVERSE?
D-D
NO, THEY BECAME OBSOLETE YEARS AGO. BUT HIPSTERS STARTED BRINGING THEM BACK AFTER VINYL GOT TOO MAINSTREAM!
ORGERON
LIONEL? LIONEL WHO? LIONEL RICHIE??
D-D
VI-NYL!
ORGERON
WHAT???
D-D
NEVERMIND!!!
As the song continues, D-D realizes it is the censored version of the song playing, with all the profanities removed. She looks at the stereo in confusion before becoming angry.
D-D
DAMMIT LES!!!
The Escalade tears across the highway as ‘Wipe Me Down’ continues to blare. She takes an exit and turns into an almost empty Burger King parking lot. She parks in the farthest spot and instructs Orgeron to stay put. Orgeron watches as D-D walks behind the dumpster in the back corner, crouches down for a few seconds, then walks back to the SUV and gets in.
ORGERON
What did you do?
D-D
What are you confused about? I opened the secret passage to our base!
D-D points forward and begins to pull toward the dumpster. A section of the pavement slides back, revealing a ramp leading underground.
ORGERON
How did y’all build all of this? Haven’t you guys only been in this universe for a few weeks?
D-D
Lane had these built when he was OC here. Thankfully your universe’s Lane is as sneaky as the one we have the pleasure of working with.
ORGERON
You don’t know the half of it.
The escalade follows the ramp into a smaller base than the one at Arby’s. Only a table, a few chairs and Kiffin’s SUV with several boxes of guns crammed into the back are in the room. Mike is sitting on top of the Denali licking his paw. Les and Lane sit at the table. Lane is vaping. They both stand up when the Escalade arrives and D-D and Orgeron get out.
D-D
What the hell happened?
LANE
We were ambushed.
MIKE
Straigh’ up. Bloody oath, mate.
D-D
How did they find us?
LANE
I examined a skull I recovered during the shootout at the station. Turns out they have a pretty sophisticated tracking algorithm. They use sonar to cover the whole state in listening devices. But since it’s too much work to listen to every conversation happening at once, they program it to search for keywords. Keywords such as, the three-letter school we all coach at.
LES
And the feline mascot that represents that school… sorry Mike.
MIKE
(Stops licking himself)
No wucka’s mate!
Mike resumes licking himself.
D-D
How did y’all escape?
LANE
Luckily I was in the midst of exploring the robot head when it received a message to head to our location. I guess whenever they find us, all units are alerted.
D-D
So anyone who says those words has robots immediately sent after them? Even Bama fans say those words from time to time.
LANE
Only when they’re said multiple times in a concentrated area. Now that they have recordings of us saying those words, any single mention could trigger an attack.
LES
Not to mention they’ve already triangulated our position. They have to know we’re still in the Tuscaloosa area.
D-D
How long do you think until they find this base?
LANE
Well, I don’t think they’re programmed to manhunt right now. Based on my breakdown, it looks like they have a sentry mode where they monitor the whole city. That means if one of us says either of those words, we could be hit by a barrage of missiles almost instantly.
MIKE
That’s terrifying, mate.
LANE
It is. That’s why we’ve decided to use code words.
ORGERON
More code words?
LES
(Dramatically)
We, the high school football coaches at Alabama St. Salvius, vow to make our team, the Tigres, the most fierce squad on the planet.
Long silence.
LANE
Did you seriously just proclaim us coaches of ASS High School?
D-D
Well if it’s an all-girl’s school I’m sure you’ll love it there.
LANE
Hey shut up! I’ve had it with your attitude. I’m tired of all your fu-
LES
(Interrupting)
STUDIO! STUDIO! PG-13!
ORGERON
Guys, guys! Guys!
Orgeron tries to settle everyone down, but Les, Lane and D-D continue to all yell at each other.
MIKE
I’m not gonna ac’ like I’m some kinda expert on the matter, but ahh… isn’t usin’ the name Tigres like, a bit’ offensive, ya know? Like, maybe just a smidge?
LES
It’s a fierce name, it strikes fear in the hearts of enemies. It’s not offensive!
MIKE
I’m not sure you get to make that call, mate.
LANE
You know what strikes fear in peoples’ hearts, Les? News that you’ve been cast in another movie!
LES
Well you know most of those blogs are speculatory! The contract usually isn’t finalized until a few days before filming begins! God I hate dealing with the media…
D-D
You cracked jokes with the media for years!
MIKE
If any of youse call me a tigre, I got a couple’a claws with ya names on ‘em!
Everyone continues to argue.
ORGERON
Guys! C’mon, don’t we have a plan for this??
D-D turns away from the argument and toward Orgeron.
D-D
No we don’t! We’ve been stalling so we didn’t alarm you. This isn’t our universe. We are prisoners here!
She turns back to the argument. D-D, Les, Lane and Mike have all now gathered around the table while Orgeron is away, standing by the Escalade. He is in stunned silence. The only people who knew anything about what is going on have no idea what to do. Like they said― this isn’t their universe. They don’t know what to do. It’s time for Orgeron to step up.
ORGERON
(Thunderously loud)
HEY GUYS!!
All four stop arguing and turn toward Orgeron wide-eyed.
ORGERON
Every one of us ended up here against our wishes. All we want is to mind our business and coach our football teams, but turns out things ain’t that simple. So what, are we gonna pout and cry about it? I don’t think so!
The other four coaches start to smile as they finally see the burning intensity needed to be head coach of LSU football. They were reluctant up to this point, but now they see he has what it takes.
ORGERON
We are going to devise a plan. We are going to strategize. We are going to analyze our opponent’s strength and weaknesses. We are going to find a way to win. No excuses, no backing out. We are going to be victorious at the end of the day.
Orgeron notices D-D smiling at him. She nods. He nods back.
ORGERON
Because that’s what it means… to be a fighting Tiger.
D-D and Lane’s faces quickly shift horror.
D-D
Ed! No-
KABOOM
A massive explosion blows the roof of the base wide open. All five coaches hit the floor and cover their heads as rubble and debris falls from above. Mike cowers under the Denali as the other four coaches crawl to the right side of it to shield themselves from the flying debris. A hail of gunfire starts to rain down through the opening, smattering against the left side of the SUV, but the coaches are safe on the other side for now. Orgeron breathes heavily and begins to panic thinking about the damage he caused. The other coaches all shout over the deafening attacks.
LANE
YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!
D-D
LANE! CAN YOU GET THAT THING STARTED AND GET US OUT OF HERE??
LANE
WHEN THEY SAY A VEHICLE IS ‘BULLETPROOF,’ THEY DON’T MEAN THIS MANY BULLETS!
LES
GET IT STARTED BEFORE THESE BULLETS RIP THROUGH IT AND INTO US!
LANE
I CAN’T GET TO THE DRIVER’S SEAT FROM THIS SIDE!
Mike pops his head out from under the truck.
MIKE
OY, MATES! I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND A WAY INTA THIS MACHINE FROM UNDANEATH. SIT TIGHT AND I’LL TRY AND GET HER STARTED!
As he crawls back underneath the truck he begins clawing at the undercarriage. While the other two coaches watch Mike intently, D-D maneuvers over toward Orgeron who is sitting with his hands on his head.
D-D
Don’t worry, we’re gonna get out of this.
ORGERON
(Coldly)
Well if we don’t it’s gonna be all on me.
D-D frowns realizing she won’t be able to lift his spirits at the current juncture.
MIKE
I’M IN!
Mike slithers up a hole he cut in the bottom of the SUV. He checks to make sure the truck’s armor has not yet given in, which it hasn’t. The car roars to life and the right side doors fling open. Lane hops in the passenger’s seat while Orgeron, Les and D-D crawl into the back.
LANE
C’mon, we gotta switch seats.
MIKE
Oh, oh I don’t think so, mate.
LANE
You can’t drive my Denali! You can’t drive anything!! YOU’RE A TIGER!
Mike chuckles and pulls a pair of sunglasses down from the overhead compartment and puts them on.
MIKE
In your universes yous would put me in a cage and parade me around. Well guess what? Now it’s my turn to drive you cobbers around. Hit the Accadacca!
LANE
The what??
Mike punches the radio, causing AC/DC’s ‘Shoot To Thrill’ to begin playing. Just as Robocops begin dropping through the opening above the base, Mike puts his paw to the pedal and the SUV takes off up the ramp. Lane furiously pulls out a clicker and presses it, opening the exit to the Burger King parking lot at the last second. Just as Robocops peer their heads in the opening to see what lies beyond, the SUV plows through them, catching air before it lands in the parking lot and speeds away. As they pass the restaurant, D-D sees Robocops all over her Escalade.
D-D
(Through gritted teeth)
They’re gonna pay for that.
The Denali peels out onto the highway, weaving in and out of traffic as squad cars with wailing sirens trail.
LANE
Okay guys, we need a plan.
LES
Alright, Eddie, whaddaya got?
LANE
Uhh, how about someone else this time?
LES
C’mon Lane! It’s the third act, this is where he redeems himself!
LANE
A third act that’s gonna end with us dying because he said one of the two words in the entire English language that could get us killed. There are so many others words he could’ve said, but he had to pick THAT ONE!
ORGERON
I was just trying to get a plan going! We were completely discombobulated, not like a team at all!
LANE
We’re not a team! We’re not even from the same universe!
ORGERON
Are all your teams from the state of Louisiana? Are they all from Baton Rouge? Did they pick their teammates or their scholarships? HUH? Did they?
Lane’s expression transforms from intense anger to accepting defeat. He concedes that Orgeron has made a point and he was being too hard on him.
ORGERON
I’ll tell you what our plan is ― we go to the place they least expect.
LES
Hollywood?
MIKE
Australia?
ORGERON
No… we go to the exact place they don’t want us to be.
D-D
Wait, you wanna go to the AJ McCannon?
ORGERON
Yes. That’s where we’re going.
MIKE
Have you lost your bloody mind, mate?
ORGERON
No I haven’t. Think about it― all of the cops who would be patrolling it are out here chasing us. That leaves the station unguarded. Not to mention Saban is currently in Birmingham for SEC Media Days.
LES
Sounds like a good place for an epic conclusion to me! Hit it Mike!
Mike, already pressing down on the pedal as hard as he can presses on it with his tail, giving the truck an extra boost of speed. Cop cars come out of every intersection they pass, but the Denali is moving too fast for them to catch up. The vehicle approaches the University of Alabama campus.
MIKE
We’re almost there!
ORGERON
Let me out by the Saban statue.
D-D
What?? Why? Where are you going?
ORGERON
It’s part of the plan. But don’t worry, I’ll be good! Y’all head to the weight room. If it’s blocked off, circle around and head back to the statue to pick me up.
D-D
What’s the plan then?
ORGERON
You’ll see!
It is late afternoon and the sun is beginning to set. Mike roars over the Alabama campus, with no regard for the shrubbery or lawn care. He comes to a screeching halt after plowing through the Nick Saban statue.
MIKE
(Sarcastically)
Awww too bad mate, appears he’s gone cactus.
Orgeron, still head-to-toe in Alabama gear, hops out of the truck and sprints away. Mike takes off as soon as he leaves. D-D looks out the window at Orgeron.
D-D
What is he doing?
LES
Whatever it is, it seems like a good screenwriters’ surprise for us.
The truck circles around to the Hank Crisp Practice Facility. Mike quickly accelerates forward, but then slams on the brakes when he sees the building is surrounded by Robocops.
MIKE
Crikey! His plan didn’t work!
D-D
Head back to the statue!
Mike quickly spins the SUV around as bullets rain down on top of it. The armor integrity finally starting to give, several bullets pierce the vehicle. Mike takes off toward the statue, but arrives to see he isn’t there. Les and D-D get out the truck and frantically look around for him, but he is nowhere to be seen.
D-D
He ran… he ran away. He left us here to die.
LES
That’s what the screenwriters want the audience to think… right before he swoops back in and saves the day!
The sound of police boots marching against pavement becomes louder and louder as the four coaches turn to see a legion of Robocops approaching. Les and D-D try to climb back in the Denali, but stop when they hear a crack in the distance.
D-D
What was that?
LANE
It wasn’t the AJ McCannon… the ground didn’t shake.
We see the other three coaches looking to the right side of the practice facility, while Les looks to the left side with a smile spreading across his face.
LES
It was the redemption.
The other coaches turn and see a 1989 GMC Sierra 3500 Club Coupe Dually roaring its engine as smoke flies from under the tires. Attached to the back of the truck is a towing chain with the other side attached to the practice facility.
LANE
No way, man…
Les laughs with absolute delight and claps his hands in the goofy way only he can.
LES
You pull that building down, Eddie!
We see Orgeron in the driver’s seat of the truck, his foot pressed furiously against the pdeal. The truck inches forward before it eventually gives. The truck flies forward, pulling a large chunk of bricks behind it, tearing down one whole wall of the practice facility.
LANE
It didn’t work! The building’s still standing.
Les continues to grin.
LES
Not for long.
Inside the weight room, dumbells and bench presses start to tip over, shaking the ground with each collision. Dust flies up with each impact and bricks fall out of the three remaining walls. With a loud crack, the floor underneath the practice facility splits wide open, and the entire building falls into the open cavern underneath. The opening spreads to the adjacent parking lot, swallowing the hundreds of Robocops surrounding the building.
CUT TO EXT. THE TOP OF DENNY-BRYANT STADIUM
Tua Tagovailoa and Jerry Jeudy stand at the top of the concourse and watch the wreckage. A long, awkward silence remains even after the building has collapsed.
JEUDY
Well… good thing it wasn’t movie night.
CUT BACK TO THE GMC SIERRA
As the wreckage finally ceases, Orgeron steps out of his vehicle. He now dons khaki pants and a purple polo shirt with LSU on the left pocket. Les, Lane, D-D and Mike run toward him.
D-D
You did it! You destroyed the AJ McCannon!
ORGERON
I guess I did, huh. How ‘bout that.
LANE
(Nodding in approval)
Not bad, my friend. Not bad.
The sun sets and Les begins to close with an emotional monologue, but a piercing sounds makes everyone cover their ears. A voice then comes over some loudspeakers.
NICK SABAN
(Over loudspeaker)
Destroy is a funny word. People like to tell me I shouldn’t destroy the small schools we play in September. Yet they treat my failures as a celebration.
A loud whirring sound comes from underground and a bright light starts to shine through the rubble. The pile of bricks and beams begins to shift to the side as a mechanism rises from underground.
SABAN
You see everyone always tells me that I can afford to lose. That my resume is so strong I can take a slip-up every now and then. But those slip-ups are talked about for centuries! Regarded as monumental achievements in the history of man!
The mechanism reaches its peak. A metal door lowers to reveal Nick Saban, wearing an eyepatch on his left eye, sitting on a mechanical chair. His arm rests are covered in levers and buttons.
Yet my slew of achievements are regarded as systemic... ordinary… just a part of life.
ORGERON
(Looking upward at Saban)
What are you planning to do?
SABAN
Well, since you destroyed my plan to merge our universe with several others to erase every loss from my history, I’m gonna have to go with something else. Luckily I still have my multiversal portal opener. So maybe I’ll leave this universe, find one where I haven’t lost a game since 2007, find that universe’s version of me and… well, surely I won’t look that different from him. Assuming someone else’s life is far from the most ambitious thing I’ve done.
ORGERON
Nick, you said you wanted everyone in every universe to view you as the greatest coach ever. Think about what the people of our world will say! They’ll find out about the things you did, the things you built… and you how ran away because you couldn’t stomach the fact that you’ve come up short.
Saban looks down at his lap and chuckles to himself.
SABAN
Boy it would be a shame if they thought of me that way… but so rarely does our society take things for what they are. Everybody has a take. Everyone has their own version of the truth. Believing you can unite people on a common belief is an outdated ideology.
LES
(Whispering to himself)
Political undertones… the Academy better be watching this.
SABAN
You really think the whole world will see what happened here as me wreaking havoc? Pretty bold to assume that a police department staffed completely by robots obeying my every order would come away with that verdict after an investigation.
ORGERON
Nick… please think about what you’re doing!
SABAN
I am! I’ve decided that I will put a stop to your plan to destroy Bryant-Denny Stadium. I’ve decided that a rival coach pushed too far by trolls does not have the right to take out his frustrations on our beautiful stadium.
ORGERON
Wh, what?
SABAN
The world will hear how I begged you not to do it… how I did everything in my power to prevent you from tearing down our beautiful facilities… how, at the very last second I jumped on the grenade and sacrificed my life to stop you from getting your wish. The world will remember me as the man who saved Alabama football. A hero beyond the realm of wins and losses. The greatest… of all time.
ORGERON
And what about me?…
An evil smile spreads across Saban’s face.
SABAN
Well it’s a shame you stood so close to the blast. If you had survived, maybe you could have defended yourself…
ORGERON
We will stop you. We’re strong enough.
SABAN
To stop me? Oh, of course. But you see I have a team of my own.
Saban pushes a lever on his armrest forward. The piece of machinery he sits on jolts upward. Mechanical legs separate from the base of the wreckage and began taking steps forward. Metal arms extend from the base of the platform on which Saban’s chair rests. A glass shield forms over his seat.
Saban is controlling a giant mech suit roughly 20 feet tall. In the center. At the center of it is a glowing red ‘A.’
LANE
How are we supposed to beat that?!
SABAN
You’re not, that’s the point.
Saban presses a button on his armrest. Four Robocops drop from the sky and land directly behind Les, Lane, D-D and Mike. They restrain each of them and pull them to the ground on either side of the strip of parking lot between Orgeron and Saban. Orgeron backs up until he is against the truck.
SABAN
You know, after making Les’ Tiger teams my bitch for so many years, I thought things might be different with you, Orgeron.
As Saban talks, Robocops slowly drop from the sky and land on the strip between him and Orgeron.
SABAN
Then, the first time we ever faced off, you didn’t score a single point.
The Robocops do not approach Orgeron, but land in a straight line. When it finishes, there are 10 Robocops standing in a single-file line between him and Saban’s mech suit.
SABAN
I figured it would be even easier than Les’ later years… but look at us now! The greatest battle we’ve ever had… not even on a football field.
Saban smiles maniacally, but then frowns.
Ah who am I kidding… this isn’t much of a battle.
Saban speaks into this walkie-talkie.
Officers, activate Operation Hidden Tiger.
The eyes of the 10 officers between the two coaches light up a bright red. The sun has now gone down and the flames of the wrecked Alabama practice facility illuminate the parking lot. The officers slowly reach for the guns holstered on their side pockets. Orgeron backs against his GMC Sierra and begins to crumble to the ground in fear. He hears D-D shout from the distance.
D-D
ED!
Orgeron turns and looks at her. A Robocop is restraining her facedown on the concrete, but she still shouts.
D-D
(Muffled)
Football… is… a… floor… routine.
The sounds of the wreckage, flames and screams go silent. All Orgeron can hear is his heart pounding. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The Robocops reach for their guns in slow motion.
Orgeron gently touches the pavement.
ORGERON
(Whispering to himself)
Football… is a floor routine.
He turns around and opens to door to his truck. He reaches inside, takes the cassette out of his Walkman and places it in the truck’s cassette player. He turns around, faces the Robocops and gets in a three-point stance.
Orgeron begins tapping his free hand on the ground. A simple drum beat with a modest bass tune flows from the car window. The rhythm matches the tapping of Orgeron’s hand. The sound of a guitar follows. The Robocops look around in confusion. They press forward, inching closer toward Orgeron, until the voice of John Fogerty pierces the battlefield.
Some folks are born made to wave the flag, Ooh they’re red, white and blue
And when the band plays ‘Hail to the Chief,’ Ooh they point the cannon at you, Lawd
Just as the vocals begin, Ed explodes off the ground toward the nearest Robocop. Before it can fully extend its arm, Ed performs a swim move, pushing it aside and knocking the gun out its hand. He runs toward the next one and performs a rip move, the speed at which Ed explodes through dislodges the gun. Immediately after ripping through, he delivers a ferocious elbow, knocking the robot head of its body. Ed catches the head in mid-air, spins and throws it at the Robocop pinning Mike to the ground. The throw is a perfect strike and knocks the other head off. Mikes scurries away and gallops toward the Robocop holding D-D.
ROBOCOP
Back away! You don’t want to do this!
Mike snarls viciously at the Robocop. His claws extend out of his paws as he lets out a roar that sounds suspiciously like Wolverine. He slices the Robocop into pieces with one swipe, releasing D-D from its grip. She picks up the fallen gun and blasts off the heads of the Robocops holding down the other two coaches.
Ed continues to deliver pain to the Robocops between him and Saban as the song plays.
It ain’t me
Ed swims through another Robocop
It ain’t me
Ed performs another rip move.
I ain’t no senator’s son, son
Ed bull rushes into a Robocop with such intensity it flies backwards into another one. Both break into pieces upon impact.
It ain’t me
A Robocop takes a grenade from its utility belt and pulls its pin.
It ain’t me
Ed tackles it from behind, dislodging the grenade.
I ain’t no fortunate one, no
Ed picks up the grenade an launches another perfect strike at a wall of Robocops around Saban. The grenade explodes, clearing the bath between Ed and mech-suited Saban. The other coaches are destroying the remaining robots with a flurry of bullets. “Fortunate Son’ continues to blare.
SABAN
So you killed all my minions, congratulations! I’m still sitting in a suit with cutting edge technology. Your bullets are useless!
LANE
He’s right, there’s no way we’re getting through that with the weapons we have.
D-D
Are there any weapons that can cut through that?
ED
If there are, I bet his scientists have them. C’mon!
Saban’s mech suits begins running toward Bryant-Denny Stadium, plowing through houses and residence halls. The five LSU coaches hop into the GMC Sierra, with Ed in the driver’s seat and take off behind him. Even though the mech suit is significantly faster, it is slowed by having to destroy buildings in its path. The destruction leaves a clear path for the truck to catch up. The truck gains on them. They reach the last stretch of land before the stadium. D-D looks out the stadium and notices something peculiar.
D-D
Are we driving through a cemetery? They have a cemetery next to their football stadium?
LES
I don’t get it, man.
Saban’s mech suit crashes through the south entrance of Bryant-Denny. Bricks and beams fall in its trail.
ED
Hang on!
Ed slams on the gas and powers through the opening. The truck flies through the concourse and over debris and eventually out onto the field. Ed swerves to avoid crashing into the field goal post and accelerates onto the field. The stadium lights are all on. The LSU coaches look around and realize they don’t see Saban.
D-D
LOOK OUT!
Ed slams on the brakes as one of the video monitors flies through the air and crashes at midfield. The truck comes to a stop just in front of it. The LSU coaches look up to see Saban is on the far side of the field standing on the far field goal post. The LSU coaches exit their vehicle and Saban begins speaking.
SABAN
(Shouting through intercom)
Little ol’ LSU can’t get past midfield… WHAT A SHAME! I find it insulting that we are considered one of college football’s best rivalries. One team can’t even throw downfield passes against the other… and they consider us EVEN! What a silly notion! Maybe when I get tired of going 15-0 every year, I’ll find a different universe where LSU can actually compete with Alabama and spend some time there just for the hell of it!
ED
If you run from us, you’re not the greatest… you’re a coward!
SABAN
College football is never what it seems, Edward. Every year it seems like LSU is a good team because of how high you’re ranked, but every November we find out who you really are― a fraud!
ED
You’re the real fraud! You’re the one who’s been viewing alternate realities to learn how to beat us, you cheater!
SABAN
You say cheater… I say master strategist. Whatever it takes to win, I’ll do it. That’s what it takes to be the greatest.
Saban taps on some keys on his armrest. As he finishes, the field goal post lights up bright yellow. The mech suit pulls the right crossbar of the field goal post backward. A giant portal opens up in the endzone underneath it.
Ed suddenly has an idea and opens the trunk of the Sierra. He looks around in a panic before he finally spots what he’s looking for― a bottle of wine aged 14 years. Ed takes it and climbs on top of his truck where he can see Saban’s mech suit still standing on the crossbar 60 yards away. The mech suit squats as it prepares to jump into the portal.
ED
(Quietly to himself)
I’ll show you downfield passing.
Ed winds up and fires the wine bottle toward Saban. The capsule points directly at the mech suit as the rest of the bottle spins in a perfect spiral through the air. It ascends upward until it is above the 25-yard line, where it dips into a downward trajectory. Just as the mech suit prepares to launch itself off the field goal post, the wine bottle strikes the ‘A’ in the middle of the suit. A flurry of electricity and sparks covers the suit. Saban screams. The field goal post also begins shaking from the waves of electricity. Ed turns to the other coaches in a panic.
ED
The transporter is about to be destroyed! If you want to get back to your universes, you need to hop in now!
The rest of the coaches quickly pile into the truck, which Ed maneuvers around the scoreboard at midfield. They speed to the five-yard line where Ed comes to a screeching halt, as they all get out.
ED
Okay guys… this is it!
Mike turns to Ed with a satisfied look.
MIKE
I gotta say mate… you humans have some pretty gnarly tunes. Maybe I can get my players start my own band in my universe.
ED
So you are a football coach?
MIKE
Yeah mate, but once I get home I think I might retire and start my own band. I just need a good name. I was thinking something like The Golden Band From Tigerland. How does that sound?
ED
(Chuckling)
That sounds like a good idea, Mike.
MIKE
You know I actually have this great idea for a remix. There’s this hit song in our universe called ‘Neck,’ and I was thinking we could add a line that goes-
ED
Okay bye Mike!
Orgeron shoves Mike into the portal. Lane then approaches the edge and turns to Ed.
LANE
I gotta say, you did alright, Ed. Just promise me that you give that prick what he deserves.
Lane gestures toward Saban.
ED
I promise you… what I’ve got planned for him, he’ll never see it coming.
Lane smiles and winks before jumping into the portal. D-D then approaches.
D-D
Well I hope I was able to teach you something about coaching.
ED
You sure did. In fact, I might have to give this universe’s D-D a call when I’m done with this mess.
D-D laughs.
D-D
Do what you gotta do, Big Shot.
D-D does a backflip into the portal. Les then approaches.
LES
Well, looks like you did for LSU fans what I couldn’t― vanquish Saban.
ED
Yeah, but I couldn’t have done it without you… thank you.
Les flashes a bittersweet smile.
LES
So… I guess this goodbye.
ED
I guess it is… well, until the studio greenlights a gratuitous sequel.
Les tries to hold in his smile, but can’t.
LES
For once… I hope that happens.
ED
Have a good day, Coach.
Les winks and points as Ed.
LES
Have a great day, Eddie.
Les jumps into the portal. The stadium begins to shake as the energy increases. Ed runs into the tunnel to take cover. He covers his ears because of incredible noise of the electricity. The sounds of the shocks increase until…
BOOM
A loud explosion is felt underground and the portal closes. Sparks continue to fly from the mech suit, but then stop as smoke begins to billow out. The suit, locked in an upright position, falls backward and breaks into pieces as it hits the ground. Saban crawls out from underneath the wreckage. He is covered in ash and his hair is standing up. He stands up, dusts himself off and sees Ed standing before him. Saban lets out a long sigh.
SABAN
Fine, I’ll admit it… you beat me. After all these years, LSU beat me… once and for all.
Ed has a stern expression frozen on his face while Saban speaks.
SABAN
You will report me to the police, the actual police, and I will be fired as head coach. I’ll be fired with cause and be considered a failure for the rest of my life. You… will run the SEC for the next decade. I will admit defeat.
Ed’s expression remains frozen as he does not speak for several seconds.
ED
You lost… now you know how it feels. Now you know how it feels to spend every day thinking about how you came up short, and have nothing you can do about it… until the next time we face each other.
Saban is visibly confused.
SABAN
The next time?
ED
I won’t tell anyone what you did. Nobody will know about all the experiments and universes and Robocops, none of it… as long as you destroy all the machines you have left.
SABAN
Wh- why are you doing this?
ED
Coach, there’s nothing I love more than coaching football, especially in the SEC. When you win, you don’t just beat the other team, you beat one of the best teams in the nation. And if I came back to this field in November and won that game with someone else on that sideline… I wouldn’t feel like I earned it. You and I, head to head, on the field and on the recruiting trail… that will decide which of us is the best. And we will stick to our universe.
Saban musters an incredibly rare smile.
SABAN
Thank you, Ed.
The two men shake hands.
ED
See you back here in four months?
SABAN
Four months.
The two end their handshake and begin walking their separate ways. Triumphant music plays, but it is interrupted when Ed turns back toward Saban.
ED
Hey wait a minute! Didn‘t you kill someone?
SABAN
Uhh… no? Those were all robots.
ED
That guy you shoved into the cannon? He was a robot?
SABAN
Oh, him! He didn’t die. The cannon never really worked properly. All it did was transport him to the bathroom next door.
ED
Oh, well… what about all the actual Tuscaloosa Police officers? What did you do to them?
SABAN
I bought them all flights and hotels in Cozumel… guess I should bring them back here now.
ED
Yeah, and uhh…
Ed looks around at all the damage in the stadium and the surrounding campus.
What about all this damage?! How do we explain this??
SABAN
Eh, I’ll tell everyone it was collateral damage from a conditioning exercise. If people hear the players are strong enough to destroy buildings, they’ll happily pay for repairs themselves. Should be a fun press conference tomorrow in Birmingham.
ED
Well how are you gonna explain your eye injury?
SABAN
My what? Oh!
Saban removes his eyepatch to reveal his eye is completely fine.
This was just to look cool. The cut from that flying brick was on my forehead. Took care of that with makeup.
ED
Okay, well… you’re in charge of covering up any other evidence.
Saban and Ed nod at each other. Ed walks back to his GMC, gets in and pulls out onto the highway. He clicks the next track on his stereo and ‘Have You Ever Seen the Rain?’ begins playing.
As the song plays, we see a montage of Orgeron arriving at an Enterprise in Baton Rouge with his truck. We see him walk into the LSU Football Ops building with the renovations almost complete. He smiles thinking about the unanimously positive reaction the facility will receive.
Walking through the facility, Ed sees several pictures of Mike the Tiger through the years. He passes through another corridor where a wall is lined with every football coach in LSU’s history. He sees Nick Saban (2000-2004) and Les Miles (2005-2016) side-by-side. He walks into his office and sits down. He looks at a picture on his desk of the 2013 USC coaching staff. He sees Lane Kiffin sitting in the middle.
The song ends and Ed picks up the phone and makes his first call in his new office.
ED
Hey, D-D, how’s it going?
(Inaudible)
Just fine, just fine, thank you.
...
There’s just something special about Media Days y’know? It’s like the official start of the season for us. We’re excited.
...
Oh yeah! Well, you see… I was wondering if you could come talk to the team and give them some tips…
We can’t hear the response, but we see a smile creep across Ed’s face.
CUT TO BLACK
CREDITS BEGIN TO RO-
We hear a record scratch sound effect.
HUGH JACKMAN (OFFSCREEN)
Wait wait wait wait, hold up one bloody second!
Jackman walks into frame in front of a black background. He is wearing a leather jacket on top of a tiger-print t-shirt and jeans. He is holding some papers and looking down at them as he stands in frame.
JACKMAN
(Looking directly at camera)
My contract clearly stated I would only play a CGI character and take a reduced salary if I got to do a musical number.
VOICE FROM BEHIND CAMERA
Well, you see, we reached out to Alan Menken, Lin Manuel-Miranda, all kinds of people! But…
JACKMAN
But what?
VOICE
We just didn’t have the budget for a professional songwriter…
Jackman laughs.
JACKMAN
Why didn’t you just say so? I’ve got yous covered!
VOICE
Oh no! That’s okay, you don’t have t-
JACKMAN
Nonsense! Now presenting… We Gotta Hold That Tiger!
VOICE
Oh God, wait wait-
JACKMAN
(Clapping rhythmically)
Five! Six! Seven! Eight!
Jackman points at the screen, which cuts to black...
The studio would like to formally apologize for making you watch that. We are also not sure why a Tony-winning actor used auto-tune, so please stop asking.