Playin’ “Nice” With Arkansas Fight

AS OF RIGHT NOW the LSU Tigers are slated to participate in a football game for the first time in three weeks. (well, you could argue they didn’t really participate in that last game) Here to give us the REAL scoop on a resurgent Arkansas team is Tucker Partridge from Arkansas Fight. Let’s talk about BOOTS!

1. What’s it like to enjoy the 2020 football season more than the 2019 football season? We at LSU have absolutely no concept of what that’s like.

I feel like a better person when Arkansas is winning, and a worse person when Arkansas is losing, so just from a personal standpoint, my mental health has just been incredible this year!

2. LSU is coming off two consecutive bye weeks after having the game against Alabama cancelled. Normally Arkansas’ strategy for beating LSU is capitalizing on the vicious hangover the team is suffering after losing to Bama. What’s your strategy now?

The good news is, we knew this was coming. Sam Pittman saw it before the season. That’s why we’ve worked hard to install a secret agent into the LSU coaching staff to sabotage the team from the inside. Hopefully Agent Pelini is able to complete his mission, as it’s been a great success so far.

3. Even though one of our teams will beat the other on Saturday, we can both share the fact that we lost to Auburn. Both of our losses on the Plains were by roughly the same margin and value, so we’re basically two evenly matched teams right?

I think it has to be said that SEC officiating needs work after these two games. They saved Bo Nix, who clearly fumbled the ball at the end of the Arkansas game, and gave him a 2 point win.

LSU was hurt even more by the refs, as they spotted Auburn 48 points and 3 LSU turnovers. It’s ridiculous, it’s favoritism, and we at Arkansas hope you join our crusade to simply remove Birmingham from the earth.

4. If Arkansas wins how do y’all plan to get the Golden Boot Trophy back since it’s buried under a shit ton of cooler, more important trophies that LSU won last year?

This is why it needs to be an actual old boot instead of the gaudy golden trophy. Sam Pittman could simply wear the boot home in that case, but now we have to deal with the logistics of hiring 30-50 feral hogs to pull it back.

5. If y’all beat Bama is Sam Pittman immediately named Governor?

I believe that by an old loophole in the state charter, the state of Alabama actually becomes a colony of Arkansas if we beat Bama, which is why Nick Saban has been so adamant about beating us every year since 2007. The man hates colonialism, and who could fault him for that?