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How To Football: Week 13

Welcome to uh, rivalry weekend? Sort of?

Alabama v Auburn Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images
Schedule as of 4:00 p.m. Tuesday
WatsonTiger Excel Productions, LLC.

Thanksgiving Shift

  • Colorado State-Air Force: So if you’re alone on Thanksgiving and the Shieldball offering doesn’t suit you (Texans-Lions, yuck), we should have a pretty darn good game out in The Centennial State between the Rams and Falcons. - Nope, COVID

Turkey Coma Shift

  • New Mexico-Utah State: Thanksgiving Day itself isn’t much on college football outside of a few notable exceptions, and this year, well this year only fits that bill even more given how this is the second and last game of the day. Regardless, this also should be a...well, entertaining game as both the Lobos and our beloved Good Aggies vie for their first win of the season.

Turkey Sandwich Shift

  • Iowa State-Texas: Matt Campbell’s mob are 6-2, ranked inside of the top 15, and barreling towards a Big 12 Championship Game appearance against a team they’ve already beaten. Adding a win over Texas to that resume might just be enough to land him any job he wants in the next two months.
  • Nebraska-Iowa: The Hawkeyes have responded well to their 0-2 start by clicking off wins over Michigan State, Minnesota, and Penn State, and pretty decisive ones at that. I’m pretty much expecting them to pick up a fourth decisive win in a row, but as we all know YOU THROW OUT THE RECORD BOOK ON RIVALRY WEEKEND BROTHER.
  • UMass-Liberty: Liberty (finally) lost last week, so there is really no real reason to pay attention to them anymore.

Leftover Pecan Pie Shift

  • Notre Dame-North Carolina: The two longtime conference rivals square off in arguably the most traditional Black Friday football game where the Tar Heels try to beat their most loathed foe for the first time in...60 years.
  • Stanford-Cal: The Big Game should be, well, entertaining as both teams are in the pretty unique position of trying to get their first win in what is usually the last game of the season.
  • Central Michigan-Eastern Michigan: EMU is 0-3, but they’ve been there in all three of those losses: 27-23 to Kent State, 38-31 to Ball State, and a slightly less impressive 45-28 to Toledo. However, this week could be the week they break through and get their win, against one of their fellow directional Michigans no less.
  • UCF-USF: In recent years we’ve been spoiled by The War On I-4 saving an otherwise subpar Black Friday of football, but I don’t think that will be the case much this year or in the immediate future.
  • Wyoming-UNLV: Check in on your favorite college football hipster, because this weekend the Powder River will be flowing.

Black And Orange Friday Shift

  • Oregon-Oregon State: Oregon should win the only game of the Black Friday Night, but look for the Beavers to put up a fight, they have shown quite a bit of spunk thus far in the season, culminating in a 31-27 victory over Cal last week.

Sickos Mode Shift

  • Maryland-Indiana: The Hoosiers fought valiantly against the Buckeyes but were ultimately outclassed for their first loss of the year. Now they draw a more than capable Terrapin team who could give the internet’s favorite football team in 2020 a close game.
  • Texas Tech-Oklahoma State: This isn’t your older brother’s Texas Tech-Oklahoma State football game. Both teams skew more defense-heavy on the spectrum than we’re used to, and while the Cowboys have a perceived talent edge I’m gonna keep a close eye on this game.
  • Tulsa-Houston: Due to a solid chunk of football being ported over from Saturday to Friday, a lot of screen real estate opens up for games featuring the likes of #24 Tulsa, who have perfected the escape artist routine to a 5-1 record. They’ll head south to Houston to play the Cougars in what might be a lowkey banger of a game. - Nope, COVID
  • Minnesota-Wisconsin: This game starts later than the rest of the shift, so this is more of a ripcord if the rest of the shift turns out to be duds. Which I strongly doubt, especially considering that it features... - Nope, COVID
  • Penn State-Michigan:

Ahrn Bawl Shift

  • Auburn-Alabama: You know what’s up already. The Crimson Tide should paste Auburn handily but I’m almost certain Auburn is going to hang around for 50 minutes and hope something wild happens in the last 10 minutes. It’ll be crazy and stupid and it will be An Iron Bowl.
  • Mississippi State-Ole Miss: Meanwhile, the football version of placing crabs in a bucket will be taking place in Oxford. Ole Miss holds an obvious edge here, but A) when has that ever mattered in the game and B) they seem to have zero to no interest in playing defense, which is perfectly fine with Mike Leach.
  • Colorado-USC: After cramming for the first two exams, USC decided to start studying more than single digit hours before the midterm, and wouldn’t you know it, it worked out for them. The Buffaloes have only played two games, and narrowly escaped both with a 48-42 win over UCLA and 35-32 win over Stanford. One of these fraudulent undefeated teams is going to get exposed this weekend! Which one will it be!? - Nope, COVID
  • Northwestern-Michigan State: I don’t know about you, but I am absolutely here for an undefeated Northwestern Wildcats team facing Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship. I am so on board with that.
  • llvll-Boston College: Not a sexy matchup by any means, but it’s football and looks like it will be a fairly tight game. Good enough for me!

Sicko Out Of Necessity Shift

  • LSU-Texas A&M: For more information, please refer to andthevalleyshook.com.
  • Duke-Georgia Tech: There’s a very good reason this game is on second in the billing order: this shift sucks and it should be kind of close? Maybe? Tune in to find out.
  • Kansas State-Baylor: There’s a very good reason this game is on third in the billing order: this shift sucks and it should be kind of close? Maybe? Tune in to find out.
  • Oklahoma-West Virginia: It’s football. - Nope, COVID
  • Arizona-UCLA: It’s also football.

Hawaiian Roll Shift

  • Nevada-Hawaii: Just when you think what is traditionally the best college football Saturday of the year sucks due to all the changes brought on by COVID, BOOM. YOUR HAWAII RAINBOW WARRIORS HOST THE UNDEFEATED NEVADA WOLFPACK AT 10:00 P.M., BROADCAST ON A LOCAL HAWAII PPV CHANNEL AND ONLY ACCESSIBLE WITH THE HELP OF A MOBILE APP.

Football? On The Sabbath? Shift

  • Utah-Arizona State (allegedly): As of writing this game does exist in theory, but we don’t have a time or station for this hypothetical football game. - Nope, COVID