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Ryan Clark & The Invisible Hand: An ATVS Investigation

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How much sway does the former Tiger have?

College Football Playoff National Championship - Clemson v LSU Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images

You can’t avoid Ryan Clark. He is one of the most visible alumni of the Tiger football program. His voice holds power nationally and locally. Just how local is the question at hand. Rumors have been circulating that Clark has emerged as a powerful voice in the ear of current Tiger players. Specifically influencing Ja’Marr Chase to opt out of this season.

The muckrakers we are at ATVS decided to investigate. Looking through years and years of data we came up with the following massive discoveries

  • When LSU was first creating a football team, it was Clark who suggested Tigers.
  • One of the sections in Ed Orgeron’s binder during his interview was a tribute to the greatness of Ryan Clark, written by Ryan Clark.
  • All landscaping decisions made on campus cannot go through without approval from Ryan Clark.
  • It is mandated by university law that offensive touchdowns can only be scored on plays designed by Ryan Clark.
  • After every practice a GA must send Clark a practice report, written in the wingdings font.
  • Failure of a player not writing a recap of every Ryan Clark appearance on ESPN is subject to a one quarter suspension for the next game.
  • Most of the 60,000 pages of documents from the Will Wade investigation are between he and Clark working on a new book called “Strong Ass Offer.”

Clearly Clark’s influence is extensive around the LSU community. Our investigative work was able to dispel a few rumors

  • Clark does not have a breakfast sandwich named after him
  • At no point has Clark ever spoken to LSU leadership about painting everything on campus lime green.
  • LSU has never commissioned any artwork for Clark to create.
  • Ryan Clark has never done any work for LSU on parking strategy.
  • No LSU player has ever filled out a cross-word puzzle where all the answers were “Ryan Clark.”
  • To the best of our research, nothing was discovered that Clark has ever pitched an elaborate drone system to spy on other teams during games.
  • Clark does not have a camera system set up in the weight room to watch players workout.
  • LSU players are not able to access a playlist of Ryan Clark reading bedtimes stories when they are using the locker pods for sleep.
  • The LSU Chancellor does not have a red rotary phone that automatically connects to Ryan Clark.

This is obviously a big, big, huge story. Keep it locked to ATVS for more updates as they happen.