Playing Dirty: Arkansas

No moral victories in this site. It’s on to Arkansas and here to tell us all about the Hogs is Tucker Partridge of Pig Tales.

1. Wow, the fucking nerve of y’all. You’re really gonna bring a ranked Arkansas team to Tiger Stadium while LSU is unranked? Wow.... wow. You know I thought what we had was special. We have a formula: LSU is always good and Arkansas gives them a tough game regardless of how good they are. When LSU is bad, an ALSO bad Arkansas team comes in and helps create an unwatchable slog. What the hell is supposed to happen when Arkansas is good and LSU is bad??

I can’t say anything but to hold your loved ones close and keep a go-bag packed, because we truly could be seeing the end times. After trauma from the Chad Morris era, I’m still not comfortable saying we’re “good” though of course in comparison to that time period, we are in fact, comparably good. I think this game will be incredibly watchable for exactly one (1) team. After discussing this game with The Boys™, we believe that this game will only result in a blowout, but cannot determine who will be blown out. LSU has enough talent to pop off at any moment, but also, what if KJ Jefferson decides to pop off instead? Who can say? Abandon all hope ye who enter.

2. Arkansas is now the only team in the SEC West without a win against Ed Orgeron at LSU. With this being their final shot, what kind of tricks do you think they’ve been keeping up their sleeve for six years?

Arkansas and Orgeron have a lot of ties. Coach O has talked about being an assistant strength coach at Arkansas some 35 years ago. He reportedly discovered white gravy during this time, which rocked his world. I expect Sam Pittman to deliver the ultimate surprise to distract Coach O: a big ol’ vat of Arkansas original CHOCOLATE GRAVY. If the man was distracted by the mere existence of white gravy, I can only imagine what he as a fellow Big Boy would think of the delicacy that is chocolate gravy. Hopefully it serves as enough of a distraction to get us the win before he’s sent to the great gumbo pot in the sky at the end of the year.

3. What does it say about this rivalry that the most prolific matchups happened under two coaches who had a thing for women in the athletic department?

You kind of have to be a sicko to get enjoyment out of a game with a trophy this gaudy. I think that leads to a propensity for the programs to compensate for that by hiring lecherous coaches. Pittman seems to be more saint than sinner, so far, so perhaps LSU could lean into this reverse trend and hire someone who is pious and prostrate before the Lord God— like Hugh Freeze? Haven’t checked the news on him in a while.

4. I have a theory that even the fires of Mount Doom are not strong enough to completely melt the entire Golden Boot should it be thrown in there. If you had to destroy the trophy for one reason or another, what would you try?

I agree that Mount Doom is out of the question, but you’re on the right track. If I were seeking to destroy the Golden Boot, I would simply cast it into the fire in which it was made: the deep fryer of a Popeyes somewhere between El Dorado and Shreveport.

5. This week Ed Orgeron said freshman QB Garrett Nussmeier would get substantial playing time Saturday night after his father, Cowboys QB coach Doug Nussmeier requested it. What is your advice for playing a backup QB who is the son of a prominent person within the Dallas Cowboys organization?

I’ll be honest, I have little tolerance for rich Little Lord Fontleroys who get by with daddy’s reputation, but John Stephen Jones surprised me with his grit and willingness to take some monster hits behind a shaky offensive line. I think Nussmeier is dangerously close to erring on the rich boy side with dad making a direct request to the coach. That’s why Nussmeier is only a millionaire while Jones is a billionaire. If you want to be on a Billionaire #Grindset, you’ve got to passive aggressively hold your favorite team hostage in a horrible contract in your Death Star stadium. Direct requests to a coach aren’t sociopathic enough. To answer your question, I’d have Nussmeier try lucking into oil money and see how that improves his son’s play.