Playing Dirty: LSU

Welcome back to Playing Dirty, our weekly gag Q&A with the Tigers’ upcoming opponent! However... this week is a little different. Given t the affinity LSU fans have for our friends in Lake Charles combined with the fact that program has gone through some truly sad stuff over the past year and change, we didn’t think it would be appropriate to crack McNeese State jokes this week. Instead we’re gonna turn the spotlight back to the SEC’s biggest punching bag at the moment: us! We’re not gonna let our rivals roast us better than we can ourselves!

Big thanks to And The Valley Shook Editor Zachary Junda for answering these questions!

1. If UCLA is a sissy blue, is McNeese’s royal blue manly enough for Coach O to take his opponent seriously this week?

Coach O? The same man who tries to fight fans prior to games? The man who allows himself to be photographed with a new woman every other week? Gee Evan I think I’ll go out on a limb and say no I don’t think he’ll take McNeese seriously because he doesn’t take himself seriously.

2. Not only did LSU lose last week, they weren’t even the best FBS team in Louisiana after Tulane and LA Tech came up just shy of upsets! And given the success of the Cajuns last year, how does it feel knowing LSU hasn’t been the best program in its own state for a calendar year now?

It feels pretty on par for LSU! Think about it, they’re not the best at anything nor are they anyone’s true rival. LSU football can’t compare to Alabama, their basketball will never compare to the Kentucky men or Tennessee women’s program, and forget about baseball those days are over especially with Vanderbilt being able to hand out literally all the scholarships. Even their tailgates are inferior to The Grove.

You want an in-conference rival? Tough shit because nobody wants you, LSU. Bama and Auburn will never view LSU the way they view each other. Same for Florida with Georgia, Ole Miss with Miss State, and Texas A&M now that Texas is on its way to the SEC. You could have had something real with Arkansas but you turned your nose at that and now the Hogs are going to relive the SWC days once the Sooners and Longhorns join up.

That’s who you are LSU. You’re the Ron Weasley of the SEC and your own state.

3. Given Max Johnson’s struggles last Saturday LSU fans must be averse to the idea of left-handed quarterbacks now. Can you, Zach, personally tell us about your great disdain for lefties?

Evan let me tell you something, left-handed people are the worst people on the planet. They shouldn’t exist. They’re the mutants from X-Men with absolutely none of the charm or depth.

Left-handed people give themselves cardiac arrest mentioning their abnormality. DURR LOOK AT HOW I WRITE ISN’T THAT NEAT???? And God help you if they notice someone else that’s left-handed and they always notice. “Only 10 percent of the world is left-handed you know!” Yeah but that’s still 700,000,000 people you asshole you’re not special.

Scarlett Johansson was the only left-handed Avenger and where did that get her? Dropped to the bottom of a fucking cliff, where all lefties should be sent to.

4. How many more losses before LSU starts cancelling games and re-airing 2019 games on the Tiger Stadium screens?

If LSU loses the coin toss they’ll shut the season down and put on 2019 highlights.

The only way to stop LSU fans from bitching is if you show 2019 clips on an endless loop from now until the heat death of the universe. And even that may not be enough because the only thing Tiger fans love more than chugging deep fried grease at the crack of dawn on a Saturday is exercising their victim complex (which is the only kind of exercise many of these people will do).

LSU fans love thinking they’re hot shit because they beat Alabama that one time. “NOBODY BEATS LSU NINE TIMES IN A ROW” they said. Yeah well Alabama came in the following year to your place and kicked your teeth in so how’d that work out for you. Hey but at least you scored some points this time! Congrats at not getting shut out for the third consecutive time!

LSU fans in about 10 years are basically what Chicago Bears fans are now. They’ll cling to that one year where God took pity on them and tossed them a championship and treat their one as though it is superior to the many, many, many more that Alabama (the Green Bay Packers in this analogy) have. 1985 was 36 years ago and know what the Bears have done since? Fucking nothing, while the Packers have won two Super Bowls, played for a third and made six other appearances in NFC Championship games. Same applies for LSU, they got lucky one time and act all high and mighty, and then the Tide dropped 55 on their ass the next year en route to another title. But at least the 1986 Bears made a respectable title defense, 2020 LSU was a joke from the start. I look forward to the 2087 season where Nick Saban’s android is going for his 57th national championship while Tiger fans fry up that raccoon they hit on the way to Tiger Stadium and watch misty-eyed the 3rd and 17 game for the 1,100th time.

5. What number will be higher: the number of people who will tailgate on Saturday, or the number of Coach O/Gene Chizik jokes we’ll see this season?

I’ll go with Door C and the FOLKS GET A LOAD OF THIS! COACH O IS COACHING AGAINST HIS SON ISN’T THAT WILD???? mentions from the broadcast booth. This game makes me envy the deaf and the blind.