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How To Football: Week 9

Happy BUTT week to those who celebrate.

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Terminal Velocity Shift

  • Ohio State-Penn State: If you keep your expectations for Penn State low enough, you might not be let down. Like, less than 15 points low.
  • Notre Dame-Syracuse: The Orange have been ejected from the ranks of the unbeatens, but it wasn’t without honor. Cuse equipped themselves very well against Clemson and as a result are favored in this matchup against the Golden Domers by 4 points.
  • TCU-West Virginia: not to bring up old shit, but remember when Troy beat LSU and Neal Brown was hoisted as the next big name in college football? Yeah.
  • Oklahoma-Iowa State: Iowa State is coming back down to Earth at near terminal velocity, and who knows how much longer they’ll be able to hold on to Matt Campbell, but there’s still a chance to get one over on Oklahoma before they depart for the SEC.

The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party Shift

  • Florida-Georgia: For a second I forgot why I put this game as the spotlight game and was thoroughly confused. Then I remembered one important detail: I draw great enjoyment from the University of Florida athletics teams suffering. Go Dawgs, sic em woo woo woo.
  • Cincinnati-UCF: Okay, THIS is going to be your good game. Both teams aren’t quite where they were in recent history but they’re still two very good and mostly competent G5 teams that should produce a great game.
  • Oklahoma State-Kansas State: The Cowboys are still very much in the thick of the Big 12 hunt after beating the Longhorns 41-34 and this very well could be the defining game of their season. Should be an extremely fun game here because, say it with me, styles make matchups.
  • Oregon-Cal: Cal’s bad, dude. Bad.

BUTT Shift

  • Michigan State-Michigan: You’re welcome, Mel Tucker. Also, hey, this shift is bad.
  • Kentucky-Tennessee: All I’m going to say is that Tennessee are wearing their all-black uniforms. So go ahead and slip a few bucks on that Wildcats cover.
  • Baylor-Texas Tech: Could be a good game, or least close. But Baylor has been a head scratching team and Texas Tech team is that tenfold.
  • Ole Miss-Texas A&M: Getcha popcorn ready.

Robert Kekaula Memorial Shift

  • San Diego State-Fresno State: It’s football. The Aztecs are bad.
  • Nevada-San Jose State: It’s football. Nevada is bad.
  • Stanford-UCLA: It’s football. Stanford is abhorrent.