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Playing Dirty: Alabama

The Big One, at night where it belongs

College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Rose Bowl Game presented by Capital One - Alabama v Notre Dame Photo by Alika Jenner/Getty Images

You’re used to this by now, the Playing Nice Q&A followed by the Playing Dirty Q&A, but there’s no need to play nice against this team. This is about bringing the heat. And Roll Bama Roll’s Brent Taylor did just that.

1. I thought we had something special! I can respect Alabama’s commitment to only losing one game per season, but it’s supposed to be to us! First y’all go out and lose to Jimbo, and now Tennessee?? Auburn I can understand because y’all have history... but those guys? What did we do wrong?

Ugh. I know we’re playing dirty here, but I’ll start off a little soft and say I can stomach an occasional once/decade loss to LSU. You at least have cool colors on the jerseys and fun fans. But I can’t stand any team with orange. It’s just wrong. They shouldn’t be allowed out of the SEC cellar. Tennessee or Auburn.. Any time they get even a semblance of success, their fans are absolutely unbearable. As for what you did wrong? Well, for one, you broke Eli Ricks before sending him to us, and he wasn’t ready to play. For two, you didn’t pay your dues to the refs on our behalf, and as such, they made sure you didn’t get the first win over the Tide. Just untenable on your end, to be honest.

2. Pretty crazy that the LSU-Alabama game, which has defined the SEC for the past 15 years, is pretty obviously not the most important SEC game of the day. Before we do our own little tango, why don’t we team up for a roast of the SEC East?

Eh let em have their moment. It’s been, what, 13 years since Florida was good and the East was relevant? It took two broken receivers, two broken cornerbacks, and a rematch for Georgia to win one over us, and it took nearly 20 penalties, a hurt Bama QB, soccer player shenanigans, and a nearly 30-year-old quarterback for Tennessee. Now they’re the bee’s knees of the whole nation. It won’t last. One will lose, the other will get to the SEC championship and lose, and then Alabama is in the playoffs as they watch from the sidelines and realize nothing ever changed.

And Kentucky? Don’t even get me started on that joke. Watching Will Levis become a NFL draft darling during the offseason for absolutely no reason, and then seeing him play exactly as he always has and the media sour on him has been delicious.

While we’re at it, can we just give Auburn to the East and then ship them all off to the ACC? They might actually give Clemson a little bit of a push sometimes.

3. Let’s put Nick Saban and Brian Kelly up against each other in a scream-off. The goal of the scream-off is to angrily scream with maximum vigor long enough to outlast the other. However, should a contestant’s head literally explode with rage, he will automatically win, sort of a Golden Snitch situation. Who are you betting to win?

Ooohh. I like this one. I think Saban has the better stamina. That man can yell, and he’s got that old man power behind it. It just comes natural to him... He can go forever.

But the automatic win condition favors Kelly. He gets all red and sweaty in the face, and I’ve worried he might pass out on the spot before. Give him just a little extra push, and he could very well pop.

4. If LSU manages to beat Alabama, the students will likely storm the field. They’ve shown their intention to by participating in a practice run after the Ole Miss game. Has Bama better practiced its field storming evasion techniques after the uh, incident in Knoxville?

C’mon guys. You’re better than that. You’ve beaten Alabama before when we were actually a top team. Now you’re planning on doing it after beating merely a run of the mill top-ten team that’s already lost a game and is basically dead and buried with a washed coach? Has LSU really fallen that far?

You’re actually the last team to NOT storm the field after beating Alabama—back in 2010— and I was holding some vestiges of respect for that. Don’t break it.

And we are improving against the field rush! Last year, Saban got taken down and injured by the stampede of fans. This year, we avoided injury entirely! Of course, the Georgia transfer dude went rogue and brought the heat, so that was a bit of an overcorrection.

5. Okay let’s have some actual fun. Give me your top Auburn coaching candidates.

Well. In Auburn’s fans’ minds, their top candidates are Deion Sanders, Hugh Freeze, Lane Kiffin, Bill Belichick, Pat Dye, Donald Trump, and Jesus himself. They’re a top-tier program and a highly attractive destination for the best of the best, as well as being a family.

In reality, they got turned down by Billy Napier two years ago and can’t afford to rent Hugh Freeze’s playbook for a week, let alone Freeze himself.

Actual candidates? Neal Brown could be a good fit after he gets fired from West Virginia. The former Troy coach is from the area. Maybe some random G5 coach or a decent (if not huge name) coordinator for a P5 team would be an option. At very, very best, Matt Rhule, who got fired from the Carolina Panthers, may want to come back to college, and his previous experience at Baylor might have him prepared for the toxicness in Auburn. And now that I say that, maybe Arkansas OC Kendall Briles could be a fit?

Really just think of whatever hire you think is the most gross, and that’s probably a good fit.