A bombshell was dropped on the college football world last week when USC and UCLA declared their intentions to leave the Pac-12 and join the Big Ten. An obvious counterstrike to the SEC adding Oklahoma and Texas, the Power 5 is quickly becoming the Power 2.
It’s no secret the rest of the Pac-12, er, Pac-10, does not see their conference as desirably after the loss of two of its most famous institutions. So let’s evaluate those who remain and decide which ones are the best fits!
Schools will be judged on a variety of factors. For argument’s sake, let’s not worry about real-life financial implications and focus on cultural fits. They will be graded on the PAWL scale where each point is worth one W. The lowest possible score is Paul, equivalent to a 0, while the maximum score is the coveted 10/10 or, a PAWWWWWWWWWWL!
I really want to grade these schools on more than just wins and losses. Their culture, fanbase, traditions and reputations should matter way more! But I’m sorry, Arizona just flat out sucks at football right now. Yes they’re a perpetually good basketball school but the SEC already has one of those. However I will give them credit for having a normal mascot (Wildcats) but then having the team chant (Bear Down) be centered around a completely different animal. If the SEC is gonna double in size we’re gonna need a second Auburn.
Score: 3/10 PAWWWL
Arizona State Sun Devils
Now this is some good shit. Let’s be honest, LSU and a few other current SEC teams need someone who does EVEN MORE crimes to take the heat off them. The most SEC thing about Arizona State is despite them currently drowning in scandal allegations, they’ve still won pretty consistently. COVID season aside the team has gone 7-6, 8-5 and 8-5 under Herm fucking Edwards. Sure that’s going to change this year, but you can’t tell me ASU isn’t an SEC school that got separated at birth.
SCORE: 8/10 PAWWWWWWWWL
Cal Golden Bears
They make a decent case by having some pretty awesome NFL alumni, but unfortunately they are way too focused on being a school before being good at sports. According to the school’s Wikipedia page, Cal has more Nobel laureates, Turing Award winners, Fields Medalists and Wolf Prize winners than any other public university in the nation. That’s all nice but you didn’t join the SEC to play school. Ask Tulane.
Score: 4/10 PAWWWWL
I think they would be neat! Sure they are also known for their smarts and the fanbase is a little too mellow for SEC standards, but there’s one big reason I want them, If the SEC has LSU, Arkansas, Texas AND Colorado, it will pull off a clean sweep of having all of college football’s live action mascots capable of killing someone. If that isn’t a fitting metaphor I don’t know what is.
Score: 7/10 PAWWWWWWWL
Look I know they have a history of being hyped up and then shitting the bed against SEC teams, hell everyone here remembers the game the thumbnail picture is from. But they really aren’t that different from us. Their fanbase is extremely online and is never satisfied with their coach. Their stadium can be a deafening nightmare for visiting opponents. Hell their best player the last two years was named Thibodeaux. They deserve to be our rivals for that alone.
Score: 6/10 PAWWWWWWL
Oregon State Beavers
Surprisingly a handful of their best players from the past few decades came from SEC recruiting territories such as Jacquizz Rodgers from Houston, Chad Johnson from Miami and Keenan Lewis from New Orleans.
But yeah, nah.
Score: 2/10 PAWWL
I was gonna defend them based on how good their athletics are, both individual and team sports. But then I saw the Athletics section of the school’s Wikipedia page was a subsection under Student Life. Sorry but that is a level of school way too high for the SEC.
Score: 1/10 PAWL
I reeeeeeally wanna let them in. This fanbase constantly reminds people they are a Power 5 team in a Power 5 Conference. They have a hated in-state rival. They consistently put guys in the NFL. They also won their only game against an SEC team in the last 25 years pretty decisively. Let’s be honest, the only thing about them that isn’t SEC is their lack of alcohol consumption. I was going to give them a 9 because of this one point, but then I decided it would be a fascinating social experiment to see if one year in the SEC could turn Utahns into alcoholics. So yeah, this needs to happen.
Score: 10/10 PAWWWWWWWWWWL
I think they should be let in but with a strict caveat that they need to start pulling their weight. They put a shit ton of guys into the NFL, have connections to crazy rich tech corporations that could be effective bagmen and have frequently beefed with ESPN/the “National Media”/other conferences and such. They have all the tools to be an obnoxious SEC loudmouth. So start winning consistently and back it up guys!
Score: 6/10 PAWWWWWWL
Washington State Cougars
They are the complete inverse of Utah. They don’t win consistently but drink a fucking insane amount of alcohol.
But just like Utah, they should absolutely be in the SEC.
Score: 10/10 PAWWWWWWWWWWL
[Note: A previous version of this story incorrectly identified WSU as the Huskies instead of the Cougars. I would like to apologize profusely to Wazzu fans everywhere who have done nothing wrong ever.]
So let’s add up the final tally.
Must-Adds: Arizona State, Utah, Washington State
Good Additions: Colorado, Oregon, Washington
Try Again Next Year: Arizona, Cal
No: Oregon State, Stanford