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How To Football: Week 3

By Adam Henderson
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NCAA Football: Ohio at Penn State Matthew OHaren-USA TODAY Sports
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Pahk That Cah Shift

  • Florida State-llvll: Should be a pretty fun game, as we saw in New Orleans and last Friday night, both teams are pretty wildly unpredictable and prone to wild mood swings. I honestly don’t have a smidge of a read on this game beyond that.
  • Air Force-Wyoming: Also could be a pretty fun game over in the G5. Air Force is looking head and shoulders the best service academy team this year.
  • Merrifield-Harvad: For the sickos out there, Friday night Ivy League football is back in full effect.

Noon Nihilism Shift

  • Purdue-Syracuse: All I’m going to say is that I have a strong suspicion that one of these teams are actually good and I won’t spoil the surprise of which one it is for you.
  • Georgia-South Carolina: Okay.
  • Oklahoma-Nebraska: Sure.
  • Cal-Notre Dame: Why not.

The After-Noon Nihilism Shift

  • Penn State-Auburn: Analytics are calling this one a toss-up but man, I’m not exactly high on the Nittany Lions but that number is working under the assumption that the Tigers play a fairly clean game and that is a confidence that I do not possess. We’ll see.
  • BYU-Oregon: Another projected tossup, and this one I can believe. Last week Oregon had a big get right game against Eastern Washington, hanging a 70 spot on them while BYU upset Baylor in OT.
  • Ole Miss-Georgia Tech: Okay so hear me out: Georgia Tech probably won’t win this game...but what if it’s respectable? If the Yellow Jackets hold the game to a 30-21 type affair, will it color Geoff Collins’ outlook differently? What if it’s 30-24? Guys, what if Tech doesn’t just cover but also wins? (Ole Miss is favored by 24)
  • Kansas-Houston: THIS AIN’T YOUR OLDER BROTHER’S KANSAS JAYHAWKS FOLKS. Somehow, the biggest reclamation project in college football...appears to be working? Beating West Virginia was huge but pulling off a similar win in back-to-back weeks would be huge. (Houston is favored by 15)

Geaux Gold Shift

  • Mississippi State-LSU: Hydrate, wear gold, get drunk, be loud, and hope to hell LSU can get pressure with 3 or 4.
  • Michigan State-Washington: We get our first real look at Kalen DeBoer’s Washington team when the new-look Sparty led by Mel Tucker makes the trip to Seattle.
  • Texas Tech-NC State: I don’t know what to make of either of these teams, you don’t know what to make of either of these teams, who gives a shit, it’ll be stupid and fun.
  • SMU-Maryland: This game has potential to be a banger. So much potential. I’m a believer in what Mike Locksley is building and SMU has proven to be high-grade octane.

Robert Kekaula Memorial Shift

  • Miami (FL)-A&M: INSERT EYE EMOJIS HERE
  • San Diego State-Utah: Utah is going to romp here.
  • North Dakota State-Arizona: We are issuing a BISCON 1 here. I repeat, BISCON 1. An FCS over P5 upset is imminent. Take shelter immediately.
  • Frenso State-USC: Fresno has a chance here! I don’t think it’s a likely shot, but it’s a shot. If Jake Haener were to pull this off I may have to rename this shift the Kekaula-Haener Memorial Shift.

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