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Playing Dirty: Auburn

Dar Wamn

Mercer v Auburn Photo by Michael Chang/Getty Images

It’s finally time for LSU to play a REAL rivalry game! No more guessing if the team is good based on a meaningless blowout, this is what college football is all about. LSU-Auburn, where things are guaranteed to get weird.

Here to break down all the wacky things going on on the Plains is Jack from College and Magnolia. No X’s and O’s here, just good old-fashioned smack talk.

1. Last year Auburn won its first game in Baton Rouge in 20 years. How many years do you think it will take to win there again after the school fires the coach who finally did it?

How does it feel losing the main thing you were able to hold over us for 20+ years? As far as the next win, either all bets are off now that the cigar curse is broken or we’ll have to wait for Bo Nix’s kid to win there since it only happened because of him.

2. For the second time in five years Auburn fans had to pick between pulling for Georgia or Alabama in the national title game. Just pointing this out so all my LSU friends can understand it could be much, much worse for us.

If surpassing Bryant in titles at Bama means the old man who wears hearing aids when the cameras aren’t rolling will hang it up, this is the sacrifice we must make. Also, F*** Georgia.

3. Billy Napier turned down the Auburn job in 2020, yet his Florida team seems to have harnessed the Auburn Chaos Magic and has had it on full display in all four of his games so far. What secret room in the building did he stumble into to get that recipe?

Auburn Jesus has to appear to have died for him to resurrect. Do not put your trust in a false idol of chaos in Gainesville.

4. After sitting through that entire Missouri game, how do Auburn fans plan to enjoy the sport of football again? I only watched a little bit and it still felt like a Clockwork Orange style of football aversion therapy.

Sir, this is a basketball school.

But for real, you know, after it being a special brand of awful to like the guy that won you a title or like a good man in Gus, it’s nice to conjure up the suppressed Terry Bowden levels of hatred since they’ve been in the back of a shelf we haven’t opened in a while. There’s sicko joy in watching this dumbass fail and know it’ll be over soon enough.

5. Do you miss Bo Nix? Be honest. You do a little, come on.

You mean the most talented QB on the roster that was named for Bo Jackson? Yes we miss him and it defies all logic that Harsin ran him off and some of our fans claimed he was a me first kid when it wasn’t his dad going on a podcast last week shitting on the coaches/roster. I don’t blame Bo at all, and I honestly wish him the best. Auburn would be better with him.

6. Between Gene Chizik, Ed Orgeron and Gus Malzahn, who had the best career path before securing the buyout bag?

Ed. Got the title in his home state and y’all are more forgiving folks than we are for your own. Gus let the hair go gray, and Gene is trying to make defenses from the early 2000s work against modern offenses. Ed is just jambalaya-ing his way into hilarity with a ring and the cash.